How to Bed Someone Else's Wife

Dear Nina and Rita,

My question is how do I persuade a married woman to have sex with me?

Signed,
I Voted for Bush

Dear Voted for Bush,

Congratulations, joker. Your letter made it to the top of the pile this week because you rubbed our noses in it, and there’s nothing we love more than getting our noses rubbed.

We suggest that you seduce a Republican’s wife because she is more likely to share your moral values about marriage, family, and sex. Keep away from the liberal wives because they often feel an ethical obligation to uphold their marriage vows.

We have a couple of ideas, but no guarantees:

1. Use the church as a cover for all illicit activities. This Sunday, sit in her pew and tell her how pretty she looks. Next Sunday, same thing. If she’s wearing a green dress, tell her it’s your favorite color. Pay attention to her nonverbal response: if you notice she starts wearing more green to church, you can make your move without fear of rejection.
   
   
2. Get chummy with her husband so that you can gain access to their house without raising suspicion.
   
   
3. Arrange to make a large donation to the right wing charity that she represents. Deliver the check in person when her husband is at work and the kids are at school.
   
   
4. While she is writing a receipt for your tax records, stand behind her and brush the hair away from her neck. Kiss her neck gently.
   

If your evil adulterous plan succeeds, there will be consequences. You red-staters always forget about the consequences. You may get caught. She may fall in love, leave her husband, and hold you, not some gay guy in San Francisco, responsible for the corrosion of her family values.

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All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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