How To Zen a Virgin

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am a 24 year old female law student. I was a chubby adolescent who was picked on in elementary and middle school by boys who teased me about my early development and braces. For high school I was sent to an all-girls high school, which obviously did not help my awkwardness with the opposite sex.

In college I lost the weight and the braces and became much more confident with myself and my body. I dated and “fooled around” with a few boys, but stopped short of sex. This was largely due to residual body anxiety from being a previously overweight kid. Another reason was because, although I do not feel I must abstain until marriage, I wanted my first experience to be with someone that cared about me and one that I wouldn't regret. It didn't even need to be someoneI loved, just someone I felt comfortable with. The boys I dated in college didn't give me the feeling that I could be intimate with them.

I am now dating a great guy. We have been physical but the time is coming for us to move to the next level. I care about him and do feel comfortable, but I think my decision to have sex is more about being tired of being the last one to be “in on the joke.” I now realize that few people have “amazing” and “memorable” first times and that I never should have built up the first time to be like that.

Here is my question: I feel like a bit of an anomaly being a 24 year old virgin and I am not sure how my future partner will take it. I could explain until I'm blue in the face my reasoning for waiting, but I still feel that I will be looked upon as some sort of religious, prudish freak, which I am not. How can I bring this up to him? Should I bring it up or can I get through my first time without telling him I'm a virgin and chalk up the bad performance to being unskilled and nervous?

My friends who know I am a virgin are surprised when I tell them. Apparently I give off the impression of being experienced. Do you think that many men would run the other way from an old virgin like myself?

Signed,
Your Faithful Reader

Dear Faithful Reader

We couldn’t help but notice that you construct your virginity narrative to create a cause and effect story about your entire life: it’s as if being chubby and wearing braces in fifth grade shaped your entire adolescence and it’s still affecting your identity today. We won’t argue because it’s probably be true. But we want to remind you that numerous child psychologists and Tina Fey, of Saturday Night Live, proved that adolescence sucks for all girls, no matter how shiny their hair or straight their teeth. (see Mean Girls)

For example, if you were sexually active in middle school, your bad girl reputation haunted you throughout high school. In Rita’s high school, this girl’s name was Beatrice, but everyone called her Be-mattress. If you waited until high school to become sexually active, then you dealt with the indefatigable stress of kissing for hours and pushing your boyfriend away when he tries to touch your boobs, three months until you finally let him touch your boobs, now he wants to touch your coochie, another five months of pushing him away until you finally let him touch your coochie, now he begs you to touch his thing, another eight months of pushing him away until graduation night because that’s a such a special night, then you go to different colleges and quickly lose touch. Doesn’t sound so bad, but it will scar you forever. You’ll always hold back, and men will grow tired of hearing you whine, “We shouldn’t. It feels so good, but we shouldn’t.”

We prefer to see it this way: being a voluptuous metal-mouth protected you from losing your virginity to a jerk who couldn’t possibly appreciate you.

Our point being, Faithful Reader, that you should make peace with your inner voluptuous metal-mouth, and thank her for paving the way for you to become a smart, emotionally savvy, good-looking, confident woman, with great communication skills. You've always had good intuition, and you’ve used that intuition to decide when the time is right. You had a reason to wait, and it’s a perfectly legitimate reason. In fact, an informal poll conducted in our apartment building found nobody shocked to hear about a 24-year-old virgin. There are plenty of 24-year-old virgins out there, and in our building, too.

If you choose to reveal your secret, some guys will not want to deflower you. These guys have enough self-knowledge to recognize that they won’t be able to provide emotional support or participate in an ongoing relationship. Don’t get too angry at these guys, just be thankful they have the guts to be honest. Fortunately, many guys will be happy to assist. Some really like the idea of being your first because you won’t make comparisons. Some guys, more than they admit, use sex to express emotional connections, and so they appreciate that you two will grow closer as a result of your disclosure. Sure, some guys see you as a conquest, but they will try hard to give you a memorable experience. This is one significant way that feminism has trickled down to the masses: the majority of guys are eager to please you in bed.

You can definitely get through this without telling the man you're dating. You are not obligated to tell him. The encounter might be awkward, but the first time two people have sex is frequently awkward, no matter how experienced they are. It gets better as you get more comfortable with each other’s bodies. If you really want to seem quite experienced, don’t lie there: take the lead, and move around a bit. However, we admit that we didn’t figure out how to take the lead and move properly until we became quite experienced. That’s a paradox.

Instead of worrying about your performance, try Nina and Rita’s Zen Approach to Losing Your Virginity(TM). Close your eyes and take note of what it feels like to have him inside you. Don’t worry about whether it feels amazing or hot. Instead, observe the sensation. If it hurts, tell him to be gentle. Open your eyes and look at the way he moves and the expression on his face. Listen to his breathing. What does he taste like? Smell his fingers after they have been inside you. What happens if you shift your left leg up a bit? What happens if you run your hands all over his ass? Don’t feel like you have to write up a report and send it to us.

After it’s over, pretend you’re princess who was raised as a commoner, and now that your identity has been revealed, you’re at your first royal banquet and you must figure out which of the ten forks to use for the endive salad. In other words, follow his lead. If you’re lucky, he’ll fall asleep. If he asks for a critique of his performance, be enthusiastic and tell him it felt great. Or, if you want to be a Bad Girl Gone Badder(TM), tell him it felt the same as getting fucked by a dyke wearing a dildo.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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