How To Share A Vibrator

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm 19 years old. My partner and I have sex most nights. I recently bought my first vibrator and have used it alone, but I would like to know how to use it more effectively with my partner.

Signed,
Ema

Dear Ema,

Congratulations on your first vibrator purchase. We think it's wonderful that you want to share this with your partner. It's funny that you use the phrase "more effectively" because you've probably discovered by now that sometimes there's nothing so effective as a vibrator, eh?

Slipping a vibrator into a relationship is not so easy as it sounds. The easiest part will be the physical logistics. We assume you're having orgasms alone with this vibrator. Imagine what it's like to have that same orgasm while your partner is nibbling your breasts, while her fingers are inside you, or while your mouth is wrapped around his penis. Imagine your partner behind you, holding the vibrator against your clit. Imagine you're facing each other and the vibrator creates a warm buzz between your bodies that brings you both to orgasm. "Effective" doesn't even begin to describe it.

The harder part may be having an open conversation with your partner about vibrators. If, like plenty of women, you only have orgasms using the vibrator, the stakes of this conversation are high. You must not settle for a life without orgasms. We suggest that you tell your partner what you like about the vibrator experience, and that you want to have the experience with him/her. Describe some of the ways you see this happening (feel free to use the above scenarios). But perhaps you're worried that your partner might take offense and become fearful that she/he isn't good enough and feel insecure about your sex life. If your partner expresses these concerns, be positive and say something like, "Oh, you silly! We have great sex! I love it when you kiss my back when we're going doggie!" Or whatever.

If you and your partner mostly do the same thing every night, it might feel awkward to break that rhythm with a new sex toy, but before long a new routine will develop. Then it's time to introduce erotic books and movies (see next week's column), then blindfolds and restraints, then threesomes, and so on. You're only 19, Ema, so you've got a whole lifetime of sexual exploration ahead of you. Think of the vibrator challenge as practice for getting all your needs, not just sexual ones, met in a relationship.


All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How To Meddle

Confidential to the Meddler: Your friend is smart, cute, creative, independent, politically active for all the right causes, and a great cook, but there's nothing you can do if he's not what the chickadee is looking for in a long term relationship. If your friend is not comfortable with a solid, lifelong friendship perhaps with some occasional drunken kissing when appropriate, then he needs to tell the chickadee. Based on your description of her, she sounds like she'll be cool about it.

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How To Enjoy Anal Sex

Dear Nina and Rita,

My fiancé always wants to have anal sex, but it hurts. What can I do to like it?

Signed,
What's the Point?

Dear What's the Point,

Anal sex is an excellent example of partisan politics. Both the Republicans and the Democrats know that anal sex doesn't have to hurt, but the Republicans benefit when people like What's the Point give up on anal sex. Fortunately, the Democrats recognize all the preparation and planning that goes into having good, hot anal sex. Anal sex will hurt if you are not well-lubricated or relaxed during the act. As you know, this country's voting population is divided into Haves and Have Nots. The Have Nots do not have anal sex. The Haves know there are some very easy ways to make anal sex more enjoyable for you and they want to share that information with you:

It's important that come to the experience in a very relaxed state. This might mean getting a back massage from your fiancé, or drinking wine. The more relaxed you are, the more you'll find anal sex to be pleasurable and even orgasmic. If you tense up during anal play, then slow down and get back into your relaxed state.

Use a thick, extra viscous lubricant. If you don't live near a clean, well-lighted sex shop, you can find lube online. We recommend Sex Grease and Probe Thick Rich. If there's only one thing you remember from this column, it's this: USE LOTS OF LUBE. Slather it on.

Don't start with a penis. Instead, try anal penetration with a finger covered with lube, so that your body gets used to the feeling. If you use latex gloves (found in most drug stores), the sensation will be even smoother. We recommend manual penetration nightly for a week before you try it with the penis. How big is your fiancé's penis? (We've always wanted to ask someone that question.) You might try a second week with two fingers before moving on to the penis. And you know what? If he's really big, it might be a long time before you can comfortably take his penis.

Be patient and communicate. Have him enter you very slowly. Some women feel more relaxed and in control if they climb on top of their partner and guide his penis in. Remember that this is an Equal Opportuniy Sex Act; your fiancé might be even more sensitive to your experience if he knows what anal penetration feels like.

If you and your fiancé don't use condoms, be sure that he doesn't go from anal to vaginal without washing his penis, or else you might get a bacterial infection. Alternately, use a condom for anal and remove it for vaginal.

During all anal play, be sure you and your partner are attentive to your enjoyment level. Do all the things that turn you on, such as rubbing your clit, sex talk, and playing with a vibrator. (See next week's column for more vibrator tips).

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Shag Your Mate

Dear Nina and Rita,

i have been watching alot of stuuf lately like sex and the city and wondered that a ex advice columnist really interest me and wondered wat to do about it.

also i wondered wat to about a mate of mine. we have been mates for 4 years and we like each other more than mates but every time we come to have sex i chicken out but the next day i am horny as ever for him but i dont want to compromise myself being my first time. please help

Signed,
Jan

Dear Jan,

Because you didn't use our anonymous advice form, we were able to view your email address and see that your email originated outside the United States. We were very excited to receive your letter because this means that we're reaching an international audience. But, readers, you must bear with us because we're dealing with people who use English as a second language--our Jan is from some little foreign nation called the United Kingdom, wherever that is.

You are not alone in being uncertain about losing your virginity. Young women, in particular, are put in the unfair position of having to sacrifice their own burning eroticism to maintain a "nice girl" reputation. But, if you're really serious about becoming a sex columnist, you've got to cultivate a "bad girl gone badder"(TM) reputation.

What may help is figuring out why you chicken out, why you fear sex-- is it the way your mate will see you afterwards or maybe how you see yourself afterwards, maybe you don't want to disappoint him/yourself, anxiety to perform, etc. These issues will come up whenever you initiate new sexual relationships throughout your life, so you may as well start thinking about them now.

Your mate may be the perfect partner for your first experience of sexual intercourse. You've known each other four years, so you've got a basic level of trust and comfort that could set the stage for a joyful and mutually pleasurable romp through your parents' liquor cabinet, followed by an awkward, possibly painful five minutes on the couch. Ha, just kidding. If you don't want to compromise your ideals about your fantasy deflowerment, describe your fantasy to your mate. You both may find that it's hard to live up to your ideal, but at least you'll capture the essence.

If by some chance you're only 13 years old, you should disregard all of this advice and wait another 3 or 4 years. And: use a condom, oh dear god, please use a condom.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Determine if Maybe That Wasn't Such a Good Idea

Dear Nina and Rita,

Hello! About six months ago i engaged in a threesome for the first time. Im currently in a relationship and i was then too, but we were having problems. The people i done this with was a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend of 12 years. I'm very big on safe sex but when this went down i was a little unsure of doing it unprotected but i did because i trusted my friend. They both get frequent checkups and all that good stuff, but i'm still a little unsure of how safe this is. I only have sex with them and my boyfriend. If they are both clean then is should be ok, right???

Signed,
Best Friend Forever?

Dear Best Friend,

Sorry we haven't responded sooner, but we've spent weeks marveling at how lucky you are to have a friend who trusts you enough to have unprotected sex with her boyfriend.

You had unprotected sex and now you're worried. Why are you worried? Perhaps you are thinking what we're thinking: Why do your friends, who have been together for twelve years, get "frequent checkups"? Maybe, oh maybe, they habitually seduce and fuck their friends without condoms?

Friend, we have no idea if you've been exposed to an STD. The only way to put your mind at ease is to go to your doctor. Tell her you had unprotected sex six months ago, and get tested for all the big ones. You should also visit an anonymous HIV testing clinic. Many STDs are curable with antibiotics, but some such as HPV (warts) and herpes are not. We want to emphasize that there are many, many people who live with STDs and have happy, fully functioning sex lives. They just have to be extra careful and responsible about when and how they get physically intimate with strangers (and friends).

And readers, remember: Just because you hope you're having safe sex does not mean you're having safe sex.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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