How To Have "Friends With Privileges"

Dear Nina and Rita,

I have been "friends with privileges" with a very attractive woman for a few years now. Recently, she started insisting that I talk dirty to her during our get-togethers. I wouldn't have any problem with that, except that she wants me to talk dirty in my native language. While spewing obscenities in English is no big deal, talking dirty in my mother's tongue feels just plain wrong and repulsive, for some reason.

But, finally, I relented. Well, sort of. See, the more she insisted, the more annoyed I became. In the end, I decided to please her, but kept saying things she would be none too pleased to find the real meaning of. While it did the trick for her (she came fast and furious, like never before), and while it felt good to get back at her for being so inconsiderate when I first said no (she threatened to downgrade me to "friend w/o privileges"), I think I am in big trouble now. She wants to know what exactly I am saying when I talk dirty to her in a foreign language. There's no way I am translating "cum for daddy you fatass bitch" for real. She's put on a few pounds over the last few months and is very sensitive about it. On the other hand, I gotta tell her something. What should I do?

Signed,
Bilingual In Trouble

Dear Bilingual In Trouble,

Thanks to the globalized economy, languages all over the world are dying out like so many endangered wolves and pandas. It's natural to feel protective of your culture. And in relationships, language is never a neutral series of zeros and ones. This is especially true for bilingual people. Sociolinguists have documented the linguistic idiosyncrasies of bilinguals in love. For example, one couple bickered in English, but when they argued about big issues the bilingual spouse poured forth in his native language.

We think you know you have to lie if you want to maintain the status quo. Translate your foreign-tongued dirty talk into something believable but less offensive and leave it at that. The solution seems obvious, so we wonder why you hesitate. Perhaps you have other concerns about this relationship.

In all kinds of relationships, even "friendship w/ privileges" (FWPs), it's okay to have boundaries. By demanding that you spew obscenities in your native language, your friend challenged one of your boundaries. We think she was wrong to pressure you. But we also think you could have better explained your reservations to her. Perhaps you kept silent because you wanted to avoid adding emotional complications to your casual relationship. To this, we argue that we doubt the FWP is devoid of emotional complications: you admit in your letter that you are aware of her body image insecurities, and we suspect you feel disappointed that she was not equally responsive to your vulnerable emotions about your culture.

No friendship, with or without privileges, is healthy if one partner retains the exclusive right to terminate the relationship. Even if she's bluffing, your friend is manipulating you like a puppet on a string. This FWP may have been an ideal situation a few years ago, but it's time for a tune-up. It's time to make changes so that there's more respect for your boundaries. If she's not open to making changes, you can downgrade or terminate the relationship. In these dry times, it can be hard to walk away from a reliable fuckbuddy, but we think you'll feel better if you visit a massage parlor (see next week's column).


All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Put That Thing To Use

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm writing this because I'm seriously confused about my penis. When a person's penis is erect, the top skin comes off and you can see the flesh, but in my case this is not so. The size of my penis is average--nearly six inches, which is average, right? I go out with girls and everything is all right but then when it comes to sex I feel shy and just have to settle down for kisses. So please tell me what to do or what is wrong in my case.

Signed,
Jay

Dear Jay,

We suspect the culprit is your foreskin. It sounds like you're uncircumcised, but can't roll the skin back off the head of your penis. The skin rolls back just enough so that you can pee, but the rest of the head is covered with foreskin, even when fully erect.

We think it's possible that your serpent's sweater needs some unstitching and your man-root needs to be repotted. We consulted a phallic expert, Dr. Sai Lami. Actually, the doctor is more of a Ph.D. than an MD, but during our romp in Las Vegas we observed that he's uncircumcised, and upon remembering this fact of anatomy many many years later, we thought perhaps he might be able to offer his eight inches uncut!!**!! totally raw action!~!! two cents.

Dr. Lami's advice? "This is not unusual for uncircumcised boys. I actually had this same condition. He'll have to get partially circumcised, just enough so that he can roll back the skin and expose the head of the penis."

Make an appointment with your doctor. After this completely painless procedure, you'll need a few weeks to heal. The sooner you resize your uniform, the sooner you can barter your six inches for privileges with the ladies (see next week's column).

P.S. Did we say completely painless? That's a lie. Good luck, Jay.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Drink a Beer While Your Banana is Peeled

Dear Nina and Rita,

If your girlfriend begins giving you a blow-job that you did not explicitly request and you have a can of cold beer within arm's reach, is it OK to have a few sips of beer while she is "working" on you?

Signed,
Am I a Jerk

Dear Am I a Jerk,

This is the best question we've received so far. If we had Nina and Rita merchandise, you'd be the first to receive a free t-shirt.

In the movie The Sweetest Thing, Cameron Diaz fantasizes about eating ice cream while her date goes down on her. Like Diaz, you are seeking a multisensorial experience, and it makes perfect sense that you want to mix your favorite pleasures. Some people listen to music during sex for aural pleasure, and some people watch porn during sex for added visual pleasure. Some people like to sniff each other's armpits. For some folks, getting into the 69 position is fulfilling precisely because it satiates each of their five senses. Or ten, if you figure two people, five senses each. (Fifteen for a threesome.)

None of these applied mathematics explain why it's generally considered socially unacceptable to scratch your itchy nose while receiving oral sex. The logic is that somehow you should be so ecstatically enthralled with the sexual sensations and consumed with passion that you don't notice anything else. Taking a sip of beer may send an unintended message to your girlfriend that you're bored or not feeling the appropriate gratitude for the unsolicited blowjob. Your girlfriend might want you to enjoy yourself in every way possible, or she might want you to focus on her technique and how beautiful she is. One way to avoid sending the wrong message is to turn the encounter into an occasion for dirty talk along the lines of "Honey that feels so good, you are so hot, so fucking hot, whoa I need a sip of beer to cool me down."

Because we live in a society where many of our actions have symbolic cultural meanings from which we can't escape, there's no denying that drinking beer while receiving a blowjob is charged with uneven power dynamics. Non-alcoholic versions of your scenario are fairly common between dominants and submissives who practice BDSM. Your scenario also hints at the prostitute/john dynamic, further evidenced by your use of the phrase "while she is working on you." Couples unconsciously enact these dynamics all the time. Think about it. Why is she giving you an unsolicited blowjob? Because she wants you to take her shopping. Why are you pimping it up with the beer can? Cuz you're the daddy.

However, when couples consciously enact these forbidden dynamics, it's called "role-playing." Consensual role-playing is a safe, inexpensive way to behave offensively and do things that might get you in trouble in real life. If you really want to have some fun, you and your girlfriend should negotiate the terms of your fantasy. If she's not eager to play your submissive sex slave, see if she's up for a trade. Maybe she's got a chocolate ice cream and cunnilingus fantasy of her own.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Read Erotica

Dear Nina and Rita,

I've been married to my husband for 19 years. I'm in search of some hot literature to spice up my love life. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Not So Horny Reader

Dear Not So Horny Reader,

We recommend Susie Bright's The Best American Erotica. Every year our sexpert hero Susie Bright compiles an anthology of well-written, sexy short stories about heterosexual, bisexual, and queer encounters. Stories range from yummy (Lisa Wolfe's cake batter fantasy), to literary (Tsaurah Litzsky's symbolic search for a hermaphrodite after 9/11), to damn hot (Greta Christina's adventures at a peep show). These examples are drawn from the 2003 edition--our favorite. If you like what you find in one anthology, you'll be happy to know that Bright has been publishing them annually since 1993, so you can read eleven years of erotica while you wait for the 2005 volume.

You can read erotica alone while masturbating, and the stories will be fresh in your mind when you're having sex with your husband. He doesn't even have to know that Kip the rentboy is shyly undressing in your head. On the other hand, things could get even spicier if you and your husband are in this together. Some couples read aloud to each other in bed, on the phone, and during vacation car trips. Some busy couples pass the book back and forth during the week, reading privately, highlighting sections for each other in anticipation of hot sex on Friday night. Plus, you'll find that these stories are readymade sex games. You can use the stories as a foundation for dirty talk (Well, slut, did you get your fill? from Mel Smith's "Nasty") and role-playing (pretend the vibrator is a unicorn horn dildo from Robert Irwin's "Giraffe House").

Like all sexual explorations, you'll need patience and trust while you determine where your erotic literary interests converge...and diverge. Will you feel vulnerable sharing the gay rentboy fantasy with your husband? Will he mind revealing that he wants to slurp cake batter (or a beer) while he's getting a blowjob (see next week's column)? In the best possible world, you'll both be generously open-minded and fair while you take turns sharing the stories that turn you on.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.