How to Actualize Your Alleged Fantasies

Dear Nina and Rita,

I believe that almost everyone has fantasies about sex, whether it is exotic places or maybe public places, or perhaps we have fantasies about different partners or different kinds of sex. I have these fantasies, too, but have been hesitant to act upon them. If two adults are willing partners to a fantasy and no one is hurt in the process, are there still limits on what you act out? I am wondering if there might be some long-term effects on your personality or your psyche, even if these acts are done between consenting adults. What is your opinion and/or experience either personally or through your advice column?

Signed,
Frankie

Dear Frankie,

We usually refrain from telling stories about ourselves, but you are the first to request that we speak about our personal experiences. Here is a story: in college, one of your sex advice columnists fantasized about group sex orgies. However, this fantasy was not actualized because her lover discouraged her by saying, “That story you’re reading by Carol Queen is fiction. People don’t actually do that.” Fortunately, your sex advice columnist later discovered that people do do that, and she did do that with a few consenting adults.

Did the actualization of her fantasy change her? Absolutely. Acting out a fantasy gives you spiritual grounding and deeper self-awareness, because you nourish your soul by feeding your erotic desires. Those men and women who seem particularly magnetic and attractive, not necessarily because of their looks but because of their confidence, are usually people who have lived out their fantasies. The fulfillment of an elaborate fantasy should be treated like any other professional, personal, or academic accomplishment. In other words, securing an important job interview is on par with finally acting out the over-the-knee secretary spanking fantasy.

We want you to trust our sex advice, so we’re going to be honest with you, Frankie. There are a few not so good effects of acting out your fantasies. The biggest problem is that having a group sex orgy with all your friends was so damn hot that you want it again and again. This can be tortuous, because the initial fantasy probably required extensive negotiation, precise timing, and tons of luck to make it happen in the first place. If you can’t make it happen again, you end up feeling obsessed and defeated. The other problem is that after you’ve acted on a fantasy, it becomes reality. How do you reconcile the reality where secretaries always want to be spanked against the reality where administrative assistants will rightly sue for harassment? For some reason, such dissimilar realities can make you feel like crap for a long time.

Still, if you have a willing long-term partner or a lot of willing short-term partners, you can recreate the same fantasy every Friday night (or a variation on other days of the week). There are no limits to what you can act out with a consenting partner, but it’s a good idea to negotiate your expectations beforehand. While nothing is better than getting crazy drunk and falling into a group sex orgy with your friends, you’ll lose fewer friends in the long run if you hang out with a group of swingers who have soberly agreed upon a set of limits and behavioral guidelines.

A final thought about limits. We strongly recommend that you establish “safe words,” words or phrases such as red light or Vivaldi that aren’t typically uttered during sex. Their purpose is to alert your partner when you’ve reached a limit. You can set up a simple code so that yellow means slow down, and red light means please stop now. And Vivaldi? Wouldn't you like to know.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Have Love-Sex

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 37, divorced with no kids. Although I have been on a bazillion dates, until recently I had never felt true love. A friend became more than that several months ago. Her gentle nature and understanding heart broke through the fortified layers of cynicism I had built up since being cheated on in college.

The amazing part of the relationship is the sex. Or should I call it love-sex? Without my usual fears and doubts, I have opened up and allowed myself to experiment with her and find some truly amazing places emotionally.

The problem is the rest of relationship is only so-so. Not bad, but I have dated women who could carry on much better conversation. I keep finding myself wanting, really wanting, to have love-sex with other women that I would be more compatible with on more levels.

Am I foolish not to submit my heart to this woman? After all, she is the reason I have finally begun to know and understand love. I am old enough that that doesn’t happen with just anybody. Or do I gratefully thank her for opening up this amazing next chapter of my life and move on? Hopefully to find someone that I will not only love but will also share similar beliefs, be able to talk to for hours, and shake in my knees whenever she walks in the room.

Signed,
Torn Between the Really Good and the Possibly Incredible

Dear Torn Between the Really Good and the Possibly Incredible,

We’re not the kind of sex-advice columnists who universally advocate that the solution to every relationship problem is honest communication. However, in this case, we think the best thing is for you to sit down with this woman and say, “You’re a hot lay, but whenever you open your mouth to speak, I cringe. I’m torn because you’re great in bed, but I can’t think of anything else that I like about you.” It should be interesting to see how she reacts.

Seriously, Torn, why is this the first time you’ve opened your heart? Why does this women make you feel true love? Is it because she’s a friend and you feel safe with her? But, how strange that she’s a friend and yet you don’t share any similar beliefs or have anything to talk about. Your story doesn't add up, Torn. Either your fortified cynicism is discouraging you from pursuing this glittering piece of genuine happiness, or you’re so pleased about overcoming your erotic blocks that you want to have love-sex with more women instead of settling down with one.

For someone battling two decades of fortified cynicism, you seem as naïve and optimistic as a teen magazine. If you can stop daydreaming about quivering knees for a few moments, we think you should clarify exactly which beliefs you must share with your ideal partner, because it can be a challenge to find someone who feels the same way you do, about everything, all the time. For example, if you want someone who is widely knowledgeable, willing to re-evaluate decisions when conditions change, and devoted to life of public service, you’ll surely find a good match in John Kerry. Or, if you’re more interested in someone who will attack your civil liberties, turn the rest of the world against you, and destroy the environment, then you’re better off with George W. Bush.

We do believe in the Possibly Incredible, and we think John Kerry will open an amazing new chapter in your life. We also believe that Love-Sex Goddesses are rare creatures. One in a bazillion, they say. If you don’t take good care of her and worship her properly, she will disappear like a $236 billion budget surplus under the Bush administration.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How To Name A Sex Advice Website

Dear Readers,

We need your help! For a few months, we've been posting a weekly sex advice column to this blogspot site. Now, we're ready to expand and get our own website! This week, instead of our regular column, we're asking our readers to submit suggestions for a domain name. We need a name that captures the playful yet sincere, lewd yet taseful charm of Nina and Rita's Sex Advice.

You can send your suggestions to us with email or you can use our anonymous form. Please, please take a few minutes today to help your favorite sex columnists.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

How To Tell the Difference Between a Masseuse and a Massage Therapist

Dear Nina and Rita,

I don't want to cheat on my wife but I find the thought of a sexual massage titillating. You think it's possible to go to one of these massage parlors and simply get a massage? I wouldn't want to interact physically with the masseuse. Maybe a bit of exhibitionism would be fun, but that's it. Just curious of your thoughts.

Ron

Dear Ron,

Before we answer your question, we'd like to clarify that we'll be referring to a woman who works in a massage parlor as a masseuse. We'll be referring to a woman who does not work in a massage parlor as a fully-clothed licensed massage therapist. A disclaimer: We're not completely satisfied with the terminology. After all, some of the best masseuses are trained and licensed in massage and other healing arts. An hour with a good masseuse can be even more therapuetic than a nonsexual massage.

Yes, Ron, you can go to a massage parlor and simply get a massage. Unfortunately, neither your wife nor the cops who bust the place will believe that you're there to "simply get a massage," so if you're brave enough to walk through the gates of Jade Spa, you may as well indulge in the complete experience, unless your conscience actually distinguishes between being rubbed down by a naked woman and being rubbed down by a naked woman and then getting a 45-second handjob.

Rather than immediately jeopardize your marriage, we're going to suggest you take your wife to a day spa and arrange for two fully-clothed licensed massage therapists to give a couples massage. You'll receive your massages together in the same room, a subtly erotic experience. Or, you can find a fully-clothed licensed massage therapist who brings a massage table to your home. Afterwards, you can shoo the therapist out the door and create a more sexual mood with your wife. If all goes well, your wife might not mind if you see a female fully-clothed licensed massage therapist alone in a legit setting, which might be enough titillation for you.

If you're craving an illicit experience, or if you're just too damn curious about what goes inside that mysterious Jade Spa, you've got a bigger issue to deal with. Our society is really fucked up about things like this. On the one hand, why shouldn't you be able to experience something that excites you, as long at it doesn't harm anyone? On the other hand, your wife, if she's like most wives, will be devastated if she finds out you visited Jade Spa. In the end, all we can say is this, Ron: You should have done this before you got married. By getting married, you likely agreed to follow certain implicit rules, such as "I will not pay for sex, nor will I visit massage parlors where people pay for sexual release." As much as we support sex workers and a sexually positive culture, we're not going to advise you to violate your wife's trust.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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