How To Seduce an Emo Boi

Dear Nina and Rita,

This pretty emo boy has been flirting with me online. He’s from my hometown, so I’ve see him out at bars. Turns out he happens to do Suicide Girls-style boi porn on the side. I always thought he was cute, then he started sending me messages. I mentioned the messages to a mutual friend, and she said, “Oh, yeah, ever since he first met you, he’s thought you were cute.” We’ll both be in town for Thanksgiving. Tonight he sent me a three-word message: “Come get naked.” What should I do?

Signed,
Hoping for a Memorable Thanksgiving

Dear Hoping for a Memorable Thanksgiving,

Arrange to meet up with emo boy on Friday evening, but be prepared for the possibility, no, go out of your way to ensure that you run into him on Wednesday evening, when the cranberries are ripe on the vine. You still have dibs on Friday leftovers, but you can taste his sweet potatoes on Thursday, too, if you sneak out while your family watches football (Go Huskies!), The Apprentice (Go Sandy!) or Oklahoma! (Go Jud Fry!)!

About getting naked: The only thing we’ll warn you about online boys is that their pens are sometimes mightier than their swords. Meaning, your emo boy expresses a certain style of aggression and confidence in his language that may or may not be evident in his character. If, when you get him alone, he seems shy or hesitant, ask him if you can take his picture for Nina and Rita’s Sex Advice Cover Model Contest. Guidelines are found in the next paragraph. This will be the fun way to kindle the eroticism of your encounter. Don’t be afraid to tell him where to pose, how to move, and when to take off his clothes. He wants that. Oh yeah. He does.

Guidelines for Nina and Rita’s Sex Advice Cover Model Contest: Send up to three photos to Nina and Rita by December 12th. We’ll announce finalists in three categories:

1. Biker/iPod/Scooter Guy
2. Middle-Aged Man
3. Drag King

And we'll crown our first cover model, whose duty will be to represent Nina and Rita’s Sex Advice around the world. Photos can be G, PG, PG13, R, NC17, or just-this-side-of-X rated. No lone penis shots, please. In other words, his face must be visible in every picture. We mean it. Be tasteful. Every entry must include a statement that the model is at least 18 years of age. Please also include a sentence or two about who he is, why he wants to represent our site, and how we can reach him by email.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How To Fill That Hole

Dear Nina and Rita,

Is there always something missing?

Signed,
Partial in Park Slope

Dear Partial in Park Slope,

Your elegant little question will go down in history as the Great Cocktail Party Icebreaker. Everyone has an opinion about the void that keeps us awake in the wee hours, the nothingness that led Wallace Stevens to say, "We must endure our thoughts all night, until / The bright obvious stands motionless in the cold." The bright obvious is that some of us are seekers who play by our own rules, who know there's something more out there, and we aren't going to settle for partially fulfilling relationships.

Anyway, here's our collection of answers, compiled from cocktail napkins:

Something was always missing...until I realized I was gay...until I admitted I wanted to be tied up and smacked around during sex...until I met a man who knew how to eat pussy...etc, etc.

In other words, are your basic physical needs being met?

Something is missing, and that is the nature of desire.

Eventually, something is missing, but not at first.

The paradox of love is that it “fills” you with “longing.” That’s a whole lot of emptiness pulsing through your veins. Then, when the passion cools, you resume day-to-day activities. This leads to a different kind of vacancy. Anticipate this change, even look forward to it, and love the emptiness the way you read the blank space of a poem.

Consumer capitalism always already makes me feel incomplete.

Sorry, nothing you can do about that. Still, he was cute and we got his phone number.

Something is missing inside myself.

She has only one kidney.

Something was always missing because I was dating the same woman over and over again.

Think long and hard about this one, Partial in Park Slope, because we suspect this is your problem. You think you’ve had a string of failed relationships, but actually you’ve been dating the same kind of woman over and over, and she will never complete you as a true partner. We’re not claiming that one person can fulfill all your emotional and physical needs for the rest of your life, but it’s quite possible that there’s a much better match out there for you.

So here’s our advice. Try someone different. Do the online dating thing and go out with different kinds of women, especially women that you wouldn’t have pursued in the past. Keep the stakes low, and see for yourself what you’re missing.

By the way, only one of our respondents said confidently that nothing is missing, but she has a husband, a boyfriend, and a houseboy. Sounds like the perfect arrangement to us.


All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.