Pay-As-You-Go Threesomes

Dear Nina and Rita,

I've recently discovered my girlfriend is very curious about the idea of a threesome between ourselves and another woman. I've actually had a threesome before, with a former girlfriend and her best friend, but unfortunately this time my current girlfriend doesn’t have any such accommodating friends. So the question is, how do we go about finding someone with whom to indulge in our little fantasy? Neither one of us really thinks personals, online or otherwise, really work, and frankly we'd like to meet someone the old-fashioned way…in person. But couples don't usually go hitting on single women in bars…or do they? What exactly is the modern protocol for this sort of thing? We thoroughly enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Signed,
The Infamous Threesome

Dear Infamous Threesome,

Welcome to our new home at adviceweekly.com. Surely the threesome question is the most popular inquiry circulating among the sex blogs. We propose a pay-it-forward plan: all single women should annually participate in a threesome with two different couples. Later, when she’s coupled up and looking for a threesome, she can reap the sweet rewards of this karmic contract.

If you prefer a pay-as-you-go plan, here are a few options. Although you say your girlfriend does not have any accommodating friends, you need to start thinking like an Amway salesman who enlists all his acquaintances and coworkers in a direct marketing pyramid. Every encounter builds a network of people who may introduce you to a woman who will have sex with you and your girlfriend.

Let’s start with the people you know. Most guys who are semi-attractive have a slightly less attractive female friend in love with them. No? Okay, how about your ex-girlfriend? Hell, how about your ex-girlfriend’s best friend? Keep your eyes and ears alert to the signals emitted by horny, open-minded single women. Remember, she might not flirt with you because she knows you have a girlfriend, but observe how she behaves around other men and women at the party.

Believe it or not, it is entirely acceptable for anyone, including couples, to hit on single women in bars. That’s what they’re there for. As long as you and your girlfriend can laugh at yourselves and comfort each other in the face of rejection, you’ll eventually score. We guarantee it. The drunker girls will be easier.

If your girlfriend is used to having men hit on her, she may need to develop a more aggressive approach. For example, she should try walking up to a woman and whispering in her ear, “I like watching you dance” or “you’re so beautiful,” while gently touching the woman’s shoulder, hair, or cheek. If things warm up, you can join them, kiss your girlfriend, introduce yourself to the woman, and buy a round of drinks. There are many variations to this approach, initiated by either you or your girlfriend, so try to choreograph a few playful, collaborative pickup routines that draw from the strengths of your personalities.

Although we agree that there’s nothing like an old-fashioned, across-the-room seduction, we have found that online personals work well for couples seeking threesomes, especially sites like adultfriendfinder.com and lavalife.com, which allow you to specify the type of arrangement you seek. Many online couples have invited Nina to play with them. Sometimes she indulges, sometimes she politely declines. It helps if you include a photo. It also helps if both of you can write coherently about yourselves and explain why you’re interested in this particular woman. Make her feel like she’s the only one you’re pursuing, and be open to accommodating her fantasies in return.

It’s true that some people advertise online without any intention of a face-to-face. After a few rounds of correspondence, invite her to dinner at a nice restaurant. If she declines because “she’s not ready,” move on. If she accepts, be prepared to travel to another state for your rendezvous. Rita and her lover seduced a tall nurse in Maine, and a shy roller-coaster fanatic in Louisiana.

Have you considered seeing a professional? If you’re on a budget, $100 should get you a few kitty-nuzzling lap dances from a hot lesbian stripper, but don’t assume she’ll come home with you. If you have approximately $700 in discretionary income, you can find a pretty, bisexual call-girl in almost any American city. Her website should give you a sense of what to expect, and she will describe the correct protocol for arranging an appointment. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to discover a courtesan renaissance, that is, the return of well-educated, articulate, sensual women who provide companionship for men, women, and couples. Our favorites in the blogosphere include Olympia, Alexa, and Belle. Tell them Nina and Rita at adviceweekly.com sent you!

Do you want to know more about Nina and Rita? Visit our new Nina and Rita pages, where we share a few highlights of our lives, and our favorite sexy books. Like lovers, we will gradually reveal more about ourselves.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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Vanilla to Kinky in 60 Seconds

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm deep in lust for this good friend of mine. We're casually dating for now and I think the relationship may be taking off, but here's my problem: he seems like such an innocent. I know he's not overly innocent, as he was dating his last ex for about four years (she was his first), but I'm the exact opposite. It’s not a very well kept secret that I’m a wee bit of a kinky girl. Also, I have a bit of a reputation of being a tad bit slutty. I think I scare him off a bit when I bring kinky aspects of myself to light. I've been very tame in what I've told him about past sexual experiences, but I can't be vanilla forever! How can I bring the kinkiness into our relationship without scaring him off, or having him think I've slept with half the planet to learn these tricks?

Signed,
19-year-old Kinky Girl in Hiding

Dear Kinky Girl in Hiding,

We want to make sure you realize that being a kinky, open-minded 19-year-old girl with good communication skills will open many doors for you during the next five to ten years. There are thousands, if not millions, of attractive, slightly older men and women who want to take you to expensive restaurants, give you presents, and indulge all your kinky fantasies. Obviously, if you really, really like this guy, you should try to make it work, but we want to make sure you understand that you are valuable. In the Stock Market for Lovers, you are mid-1990’s Microsoft.

Has it occurred to you that the guy you’re dating is interested in you because of your reputation as a sex-positive partner? If he’s your age, he’s been in a relationship with the same girl since he was fifteen years old, so he’s probably eager to try new things with new people. But he may seem shy and hesitant because he’s emerging from a comfortable zone of slow-paced sexual exploration with his ex. He may be overwhelmed, not threatened, by your interest in kinky sex. If he’s 19 years old and he’s only been with one other girl, then vanilla sex—old-fashioned sucking and fucking—is probably incredibly thrilling and completely satisfying for him.

Think of it this way: he’s a painter who had access to only yellow paint for four years. You surprised him when you gave him tubes of red and blue. While he mixes these and discovers orange, purple, and green, you may be feeling impatient because you already paint with a more sophisticated palette of colors, plus you’ve got other materials like clay, chalk, and cat-o-nine whips in your dungeon.

Don’t worry. Persuading a vanilla guy to get kinky in bed is not so difficult, but it requires more action and less talk. Start with vanilla foreplay. When he’s visibly excited, tell him that you want him to tie you up/go over your knee for a light spanking/call you bad naughty names, or whatever. Pick one simple, safe activity to try. Stay cool, and check in with him once or twice during the activity (i.e. are you okay?) Then, when the moment presents itself, transition to a familiar vanilla activity. Afterwards, ask him if that was fun. He may or may not have the maturity to describe the nuances of his feelings. If he expresses lots of discomfort or negativity even though he was turned on, he’s not ready to be the sex-positive partner that you deserve. On the other hand, if he’s amenable or impartial, and you’re patient, you may be able to bring him into your world, and eventually you’ll have the pleasure of learning the small subtle gestures that open the doors to his own kinky fantasies. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that he's interested in you because he wants to know more about his kinky side.

It’s hard to know who’s got a kinky side because of the weird way that Americans are required to dislocate our sexual lives. Many people keep their desires hidden from their friends and partners because they’re afraid that even the most innocent fantasy could be freaky. For example, Rita dated a guy for a year, spent sizable portions of her paychecks on sexy black lace lingerie, and then one day she discovered that he’s got a serious fetish for white cotton panties. Why the hell didn’t he tell her sooner? Because he was afraid of rejection. Rejection is a painful ego-bruising experience, but in the end, cotton panties are more comfortable.

If your guy can't give you what you really want in a relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. You should not change or hide who you are. If you’re trying to hold on to a guy who doesn’t like experienced girls, then you’re with the wrong guy. You should be with a guy like Jack Murnighan, who writes, “I, personally, would have all my lovers be old pros. I want them in permanent communion with skin and response; I want them to have the laid-back confidence that old jazz musicians have, and I want us to be able to improvise, to roll with each other’s changes, to work in each other’s beat, jive with the melody, stay in key.”

Mr. Murnighan, if we’ve infringed upon your copyrights, please, oh please, let us know, sir. We’re soooo sorry. We’ll do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to show how sorry we are. You should punish us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Bed Someone Else's Wife

Dear Nina and Rita,

My question is how do I persuade a married woman to have sex with me?

Signed,
I Voted for Bush

Dear Voted for Bush,

Congratulations, joker. Your letter made it to the top of the pile this week because you rubbed our noses in it, and there’s nothing we love more than getting our noses rubbed.

We suggest that you seduce a Republican’s wife because she is more likely to share your moral values about marriage, family, and sex. Keep away from the liberal wives because they often feel an ethical obligation to uphold their marriage vows.

We have a couple of ideas, but no guarantees:

1. Use the church as a cover for all illicit activities. This Sunday, sit in her pew and tell her how pretty she looks. Next Sunday, same thing. If she’s wearing a green dress, tell her it’s your favorite color. Pay attention to her nonverbal response: if you notice she starts wearing more green to church, you can make your move without fear of rejection.
   
   
2. Get chummy with her husband so that you can gain access to their house without raising suspicion.
   
   
3. Arrange to make a large donation to the right wing charity that she represents. Deliver the check in person when her husband is at work and the kids are at school.
   
   
4. While she is writing a receipt for your tax records, stand behind her and brush the hair away from her neck. Kiss her neck gently.
   

If your evil adulterous plan succeeds, there will be consequences. You red-staters always forget about the consequences. You may get caught. She may fall in love, leave her husband, and hold you, not some gay guy in San Francisco, responsible for the corrosion of her family values.

Do you like our new pictures?

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How To Zen a Virgin

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am a 24 year old female law student. I was a chubby adolescent who was picked on in elementary and middle school by boys who teased me about my early development and braces. For high school I was sent to an all-girls high school, which obviously did not help my awkwardness with the opposite sex.

In college I lost the weight and the braces and became much more confident with myself and my body. I dated and “fooled around” with a few boys, but stopped short of sex. This was largely due to residual body anxiety from being a previously overweight kid. Another reason was because, although I do not feel I must abstain until marriage, I wanted my first experience to be with someone that cared about me and one that I wouldn't regret. It didn't even need to be someoneI loved, just someone I felt comfortable with. The boys I dated in college didn't give me the feeling that I could be intimate with them.

I am now dating a great guy. We have been physical but the time is coming for us to move to the next level. I care about him and do feel comfortable, but I think my decision to have sex is more about being tired of being the last one to be “in on the joke.” I now realize that few people have “amazing” and “memorable” first times and that I never should have built up the first time to be like that.

Here is my question: I feel like a bit of an anomaly being a 24 year old virgin and I am not sure how my future partner will take it. I could explain until I'm blue in the face my reasoning for waiting, but I still feel that I will be looked upon as some sort of religious, prudish freak, which I am not. How can I bring this up to him? Should I bring it up or can I get through my first time without telling him I'm a virgin and chalk up the bad performance to being unskilled and nervous?

My friends who know I am a virgin are surprised when I tell them. Apparently I give off the impression of being experienced. Do you think that many men would run the other way from an old virgin like myself?

Signed,
Your Faithful Reader

Dear Faithful Reader

We couldn’t help but notice that you construct your virginity narrative to create a cause and effect story about your entire life: it’s as if being chubby and wearing braces in fifth grade shaped your entire adolescence and it’s still affecting your identity today. We won’t argue because it’s probably be true. But we want to remind you that numerous child psychologists and Tina Fey, of Saturday Night Live, proved that adolescence sucks for all girls, no matter how shiny their hair or straight their teeth. (see Mean Girls)

For example, if you were sexually active in middle school, your bad girl reputation haunted you throughout high school. In Rita’s high school, this girl’s name was Beatrice, but everyone called her Be-mattress. If you waited until high school to become sexually active, then you dealt with the indefatigable stress of kissing for hours and pushing your boyfriend away when he tries to touch your boobs, three months until you finally let him touch your boobs, now he wants to touch your coochie, another five months of pushing him away until you finally let him touch your coochie, now he begs you to touch his thing, another eight months of pushing him away until graduation night because that’s a such a special night, then you go to different colleges and quickly lose touch. Doesn’t sound so bad, but it will scar you forever. You’ll always hold back, and men will grow tired of hearing you whine, “We shouldn’t. It feels so good, but we shouldn’t.”

We prefer to see it this way: being a voluptuous metal-mouth protected you from losing your virginity to a jerk who couldn’t possibly appreciate you.

Our point being, Faithful Reader, that you should make peace with your inner voluptuous metal-mouth, and thank her for paving the way for you to become a smart, emotionally savvy, good-looking, confident woman, with great communication skills. You've always had good intuition, and you’ve used that intuition to decide when the time is right. You had a reason to wait, and it’s a perfectly legitimate reason. In fact, an informal poll conducted in our apartment building found nobody shocked to hear about a 24-year-old virgin. There are plenty of 24-year-old virgins out there, and in our building, too.

If you choose to reveal your secret, some guys will not want to deflower you. These guys have enough self-knowledge to recognize that they won’t be able to provide emotional support or participate in an ongoing relationship. Don’t get too angry at these guys, just be thankful they have the guts to be honest. Fortunately, many guys will be happy to assist. Some really like the idea of being your first because you won’t make comparisons. Some guys, more than they admit, use sex to express emotional connections, and so they appreciate that you two will grow closer as a result of your disclosure. Sure, some guys see you as a conquest, but they will try hard to give you a memorable experience. This is one significant way that feminism has trickled down to the masses: the majority of guys are eager to please you in bed.

You can definitely get through this without telling the man you're dating. You are not obligated to tell him. The encounter might be awkward, but the first time two people have sex is frequently awkward, no matter how experienced they are. It gets better as you get more comfortable with each other’s bodies. If you really want to seem quite experienced, don’t lie there: take the lead, and move around a bit. However, we admit that we didn’t figure out how to take the lead and move properly until we became quite experienced. That’s a paradox.

Instead of worrying about your performance, try Nina and Rita’s Zen Approach to Losing Your Virginity(TM). Close your eyes and take note of what it feels like to have him inside you. Don’t worry about whether it feels amazing or hot. Instead, observe the sensation. If it hurts, tell him to be gentle. Open your eyes and look at the way he moves and the expression on his face. Listen to his breathing. What does he taste like? Smell his fingers after they have been inside you. What happens if you shift your left leg up a bit? What happens if you run your hands all over his ass? Don’t feel like you have to write up a report and send it to us.

After it’s over, pretend you’re princess who was raised as a commoner, and now that your identity has been revealed, you’re at your first royal banquet and you must figure out which of the ten forks to use for the endive salad. In other words, follow his lead. If you’re lucky, he’ll fall asleep. If he asks for a critique of his performance, be enthusiastic and tell him it felt great. Or, if you want to be a Bad Girl Gone Badder(TM), tell him it felt the same as getting fucked by a dyke wearing a dildo.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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