How To Be The Other Woman

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am currently getting very close with my superior but I know he has a girlfriend and is maintaining a long distance relationship with her for about four years now. The problem is he always flirts with me through messages and asks me out all the time and always insists on paying when we go out. Although he has never made any advances on me, he has always been very suggestive in his messages to me. Sometimes he treats me like a friend and sometimes he flirts with me shamelessly but every time I ask about his girlfriend he will conveniently change the topic unless I insist he answers my questions, which I rarely do. I don’t know what to make of this. I am stuck in between treating him like a close friend or something more than that. I feel bad about flirting with him, although we both enjoy it, but I do not want to hurt his girlfriend in any way. I am 20 years old. Please tell me what to do and whether I am doing something wrong.

Signed,
Almost The Other Woman

Dear Almost The Other Woman,

If you are a 20-year-old who likes to play with power, flirting with your boss is gonna be like heroin for you. It’s almost as thrilling and addictive as flirting with your professor, or flirting with the 42nd president of the United States. Flirting is neither right nor wrong. Flirting makes us feel good about ourselves, and everyone needs a little attention sometimes, especially your superior, who gets laid once a month because his girlfriend lives halfway across the country.

Deep inside, everyone has a flirt-ometer, which gauges whether they feel good or bad about a flirtatious encounter. Your flirt-ometer readout is a blurry mixture of good and bad feelings. The good feelings are the result of feeling sexy, desirable, and clever. And what about the bad feelings? A few possibilities. Perhaps you are putting yourself in his girlfriend’s shoes, and don’t like to imagine your boyfriend flirting with another woman. Or, maybe you feel uncomfortable about the power dynamic with your boss. If you suspect that you’d lose your job if you don’t flirt with him, then you’ve got a nice sexual harassment case on your hands. Another possible reason for your discomfort is that you are repressing your desire to sleep with your boss because you can’t bear to think of yourself as the kind of woman who would lead a man to cheat on his girlfriend. Or, maybe you feel nervous about the risk of ruining your work environment if things go sour.

To figure out your feelings, you need to ask yourself what you want from your boss. You don’t need to wait until he makes a pass at you. It’s fine to say, "I’ve wondered whether you are looking to be friends or more than friends. I’ve done some thinking about this myself, and I decided that I want to be friends." He’ll be so impressed with your leadership and initiative that he’ll give you a promotion and a raise.

If you decide to stick with the status quo, your flirtatious lunches will continue to satisfy your mutual needs for playful stimulation until one of you loses interest or changes jobs. If you decide that you want to have an affair, your boss may rebuff you at first, but don’t worry: one night he will get drunk and call you. If he really wanted to be "just friends," he wouldn’t send you suggestive emails, and he wouldn’t evade your questions about his girlfriend. After all, "friends" can have candid discussions about their relationships.

You’re only twenty, and this means that when the affair gets messy, and it will, you can write it off as a youthful mistake. Sometimes we have to do stupid, dangerous things in order to figure out who we are. Sometimes we have to do foolish things in order to learn a lesson or two about life. However, before you seduce him, you need to weigh at least two possible consequences.

First, you claim to be concerned about hurting his girlfriend. Unless they have an open relationship, there’s no way you can have an affair without hurting his girlfriend. So you need to figure out how you feel about being that kind of person. It’s not equivalent to invading a sovereign nation and killing thousands of innocent civilians, but it’s definitely more hurtful than harmless flirting.

Second, you need to weigh how important this job is to you. Regardless of what happens between him and his girlfriend, an interoffice affair can have consequences for your work environment. People in your office will gossip, and you may find yourself in an awkward situation if the affair ends badly. Some youthful mistakes have a way of ruining your professional reputation. On the other hand, if you play your cards right, you can use your boss as a stepping stone to success and power. Nina never dates her coworkers, except that one guy. Rita always dates her coworkers and that’s why she loves the sex industry.

A note to our readers: if you do nothing else today, you must read the most important paragraph ever written about S/M and self-acceptance.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend

Dear Nina and Rita,

Thanks for answering my letter on January 10th. I'm heeding your advice and writing to tell you more about my relationship. Dunno why I sent that mail to you, must have been going through some shit at the time. I love my girlfriend a lot and most of the times I really wouldn't want to cheat on her because our relationship, although at times can be sour, but could also be very fun at other times.

We're not having sex anymore, I guess this is the reason for such bizarre cravings.

You mentioned that I’m afraid of being single, problem is I'm not, more like the other way around and she really doesn't want to let me go, even threatens me stuff you don't want to know (if I were to leave her).

Our arguments can get pretty ugly (thus the threats) and these bad times are what drains me and make me want to be single again, but I just can't. After the arguments, screamings and cursings when we somehow calm things down with either empty promises or insincere apologies, all is well and we're fun again in a couple of days.

I don't really want to continue being a hypocrite to her but she just doesn't let me. And when we're ok, the feeling of leaving her lessens a bit and I don't get the feeling again until our next big argument—mind you, we have a lot of big arguments.

So how do I get myself out of this rut? If you ask me upfront, I'd say I'm not really in love with her anymore like I used to be, I want to break it off but she's just not letting me go. We've been together three years, she's already leaning towards marriage and because of all this—being not entirely happy for the past three years—I'm not quite on the same page as her…

Signed,
The Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as Confusingly Horny

Dear Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as "Confusingly Horny,"

We’re glad you wrote back. We weren't very nice to you the first time around, and we felt bad. Writing back to us indicates that you really are in trouble. After all, we made fun of you, used sarcasm to try to make you feel inferior, and questioned your integral goodness as a human being. And yet…you came crawling back for more.

That’s probably what you do in your relationship, too. And that’s why you’re stuck in an admittedly sour relationship. Some men and women prefer to get into relationships with mean, violent people. Hell, for some of us, nothing says “I Love You” like a slap in the face and a don’t-fuck-with-me glare. But, from your description, it sounds like you are unhappy, scared, and stuck.

We hate to admit it, but relationships are about communication. When your girlfriend screams and threatens you, she is trying to communicate. What she’s saying is that she’s afraid, afraid of many things, but especially afraid of losing you. She has learned that threatening you is the only way she can make you stay with her, and you stay only out of a sense of ambivalent duty and fear. In domestic violence cases, such threat and fear cycles are common. Read some of the stuff on this page and see what you think.

In the meantime, it’s obvious to everyone reading this column that you should get out of the relationship. Sure, relationships are hard work, but not that hard. Please believe us when we say there’s something better for you out there.

It’s very difficult to get out of a codependent, possibly abusive relationship. You can start here. Many years ago, Rita attended a 12-step program called Codependents Anonymous, which helped a lot. Enlist the help of family, friends, and a support group or online community of men who have been through this process. You may think no one wants to know about the depths of your relationship troubles, but you’ve got to start talking about what’s going on. At the very least, you need a plan to protect yourself if your girlfriend threatens to blackmail, stalk, or hurt you when you leave, as well as a therapist or other counseling service to help you if your girlfriend threatens to hurt herself.

Last time you wrote to us, we accused you of being selfish, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue. In fact, we insist that you be selfish and take care of yourself. Your original question was about cheating, and it’s not unusual for someone to look outside a monogamous relationship for sexual fulfillment when his or her basic needs are not being met in the relationship. But in your case, the lack of sexual intimacy is a symptom of larger problems that won’t go away even if you start having sex with another girl.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Shoot Like a Porn Star

Dear Nina and Rita,

Glad I found your site, hope you can help. This may sound strange, but I’m sure you’ve heard stranger so here goes…I have a cum fetish, plain and simple. Nothing turns me on more than when my partner’s orgasms have significant volume. I guess to me, it’s a sign that I’m really getting him off, which in turn gets me off. My problem is my current partner does not produce much ejaculate. It’s more or less just a dribble. When I ask, he claims he’s really turned on and getting off. But to me it’s not the same. I realize everyone’s physical makeup is different, but I’d love nothing better than for him to really unload on me. Is there anything we can do nutritionally or physically to “pump up the volume” so he shoots like a porn star? By the way, you girls rock!!!

Signed,
Want My Money Shot

Dear Want My Money Shot,

For this question, we decided to pull a "Dan Savage," so we sent our undercover operative to schmooze with porn stars at the AVN Expo in Las Vegas.

Our Las Vegas op reported, I talked to a couple of porn guys at the show, and one told me that the only way he manages to increase the volume is to go for a while without ejaculating.” How long is "a while?" He refrains from spilling his seed for three or four days.

There’s more: "Another porn guy says that he eats starchy foods the day before a shoot, and that does the trick for him." This is bad news for guys on low-carb diets. If you’ve forgotten what starchy foods are, we’re talking about bread, potatoes, cereals, rice and pasta.

A couple of guys at the Anabolic booth revealed that they consume lecithin supplements to increase their loads. You can buy lecithin at the health food store. Lecithin is found in sperm, so you can also harvest your own. Oh no, we’re just kidding. Or maybe we’re not.

Who are these "porn guys?" If you know your porn, then you’ve heard of Peter North and he’s not a "porn guy," he’s a porn god. His secret is "celery, lots of raw celery."

You may also want to try prostate stimulation. Put on a latex glove (or a vinyl surgical glove if you’re allergic to latex), lube up with a thick water-based lube, and slide a finger into your boyfriend’s butt while you are giving him a blowjob. Wiggle your finger upward and forward, almost in a “come here” motion. The prostate feels kind of spongy. It’s also known as the male g-spot, and if your boyfriend is comfortable, relaxed and enjoying himself, he can have incredibly intense, loud orgasms with increased ejaculation. Plus, when he cums, you’ll feel his contractions on your finger, an intensely erotic sensation.

Because we are creative, crafty girls, we're also thinking that you and your boyfriend could make some homemade porn with a digital camera and a bottle of hand lotion. Your boyfriend can squirt the lotion all over your face, and take pictures, and then you and he can look at the pictures while you’re fooling around. Or you can look at the pictures when you masturbate. Or you can send them to us.

All this talk about sperm makes us want to celebrate the fact that every man’s semen has its own unique consistency. Sometimes it’s fluid and slippery, sometimes it’s gooey and sticky, and sometimes it’s so compacted it feels like tiny bullets shooting into your mouth.

The quantity of cum a man produces has nothing to do with whether or not he is turned on and enjoying himself. Still, what’s at the heart of your question, Want My Money Shot, is how we sometimes need our lovers to give us tangible evidence that we’re great in bed. It’s like how when you’re with a woman who is multi-orgasmic, you feel like you’ve got the Midas touch. So, we turn to our readers and ask: what’s your telltale sign of mind-blowing sex? A huge load of cum? Moving the bed three feet across the floor? Neighbors knocking on the walls when you climax? Tell us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Someone Who Will Always Be Around When You're Feeling Horny, Yeah Right

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm a 29-year-old man with a girlfriend but our relationship has been getting kinda sour lately and I've resorted to getting chummy with other girls, yet still maintaining my current girlfriend (don't ask why I’m not leaving her). Also we’ve stopped having sex for a good six months I think.

Well, to cut things short, I'm looking for a fuck-buddy. Just someone who'd call me when she’s horny and will always be around when I’m feeling horny.

I got to know this girl who tells me she has an affair with a married man and also has a friend who she fucks once in a while, but not attached. Bottom line, she’s single.

I've known her for less than two weeks but she's shared a lot of information with me that I think normal people wouldn’t share with strangers they've just met—so I’m just a bit confused on whether she just wants to be good friends or am I potentially another fuck-buddy for her? Which is actually what I do want!

Any tips on subtle hints I could use or signals that I can look out for to indicate that she is interested in taking it 'down that road'?

Signed,
Confusingly Horny

Dear Confusingly Horny,

Yeah, you do sound confused. Let’s clarify a few things. In monogamous relationships, seeing other women is called “cheating on your girlfriend.” Only people who are single, or in open relationships, can refer to their lovers as “fuck buddies.”

So, you want to cheat on your girlfriend, and you’ve narrowed your search to a certain special someone. It doesn’t really matter whether this girl wants to be friends or lovers, does it? After all, if you’re not taking care of your girlfriend’s needs, you certainly don’t need to worry about some other girl’s needs. Your biggest concerns ought to be avoiding rejection and not getting caught.

Assuming you are reasonably attractive with good hygiene, we think you’ll probably be able to score at least once with this girl. The only glitch we foresee is that she may be sharing her secrets with you because she needs a guy who will listen without being judgmental, without advancing his own hidden agenda. If so, she will be disappointed when you make a pass at her. And yet, she still might sleep with you if, when you hit on her, you reveal your integral goodness as a human being. For example, say something to this effect, “Gee, I would like to have something like that,” or the more direct route, “Is this a possibility between us?” After a few minor negotiations, you’ll be successfully cheating on your girlfriend.

In movies, people who have affairs sometimes get murdered by their jealous spouses, but in real life the biggest danger is that you’ll get caught, and someone’s heart will get broken. You seem to think that your girlfriend will be less hurt by cheating than by breaking up. We don’t know if this is true, because you’re keeping us in the dark about so many things, but we think it’s kinda unfair to keep your girlfriend tied to an admittedly sour relationship while you’re off getting laid. Maybe you should try again by writing another letter, this time asking for advice about your girlfriend. Are you afraid of being single? Don’t worry, being single has its advantages, not the least of which is that you’ll receive full membership in the fuck buddy club.


All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.