Nina Interviews Steve Almond, Part 2

Click here for Part 1 of Nina's interview with Steve Almond.

Nina and Steve's conversation turns to sex and writing...

Nina: Whose sexy writing do you admire?
Steve: There are a lot. Mary Gaitskill. Terrific stories. Alicia Erian. Alicia'�s writing is beautiful. Good sex scenes. You should be turned on when you are writing. You should be that "in it" with the characters. I always feel like there are so many books where...they are going to bed, and they cut away and they wake up in the morning. � I�'m always disappointed, like, here we go, this is where it� was going to get good.

Nina: What is the difference between--
Steve: I'll tell you the difference between erotica and pornography or sexy literature and pornography. Pornography is about exciting glands. It gives you a hard-on, whatever. And I think erotica definitely has that byproduct but it is also emotional. It's being sexual with somebody, being sexual with yourself, being sexual in your fantasy life. It's open to fear, embarrassment, and shame. You know, that total range of emotions, whereas pornography performs a mechanical service.

Nina: I like that answer.
Steve: Well, I thought about it a lot. I have to justify why I am doing this exactly.

Nina: Have you written a sex scene that has made you uncomfortable?
Steve: I haven't. I have been uncomfortable in sexual situations. Plenty. You know what, that's not true. There are moments when I think, "Can I write that?" Where I'm sanctioning myself as a pervert for thinking that. So, I definitely had moments where I got a little bit embarrassed. Part of it is personal shame but most of it is: "Am I now exploiting material?" and "Am I now just writing this just to elicit a reaction from the readers as opposed to really being with the characters in that angry, fucked-up, self-hating, shameful thought?"

Nina: What do you think of Boston? Everyone is very conservative here.
Steve: Yes, Boston is a little bit more [conservative] but you know what? People in Boston are horny all the time.

Nina: I think people in Boston hide it well.
Steve: It's the cold weather and it's also--

Nina: I find myself in conversations where I cannot express what I mean without people looking at me as some kind of perv, which I am!
Steve: Several years ago when I started much more pointedly writing about sex...I know what you are saying. There is an uptight vibe in Boston. I just put myself in a setting that is more relaxed. Well, I create them if possible.

Nina: What are you going to talk about in your upcoming sex writing seminar at Grub Street?
Steve: I'm talking about how not to fuck up sex writing. When people write about sex, they end up writing not about sex, or totally exploiting it, or not enough about the emotional experience and the intellectual part of sex. I mean, all this stuff is happening --your body, your mind. [The seminar] is going to be about trying to get people, when they are ready, to not be embarrassed writing about sex and not make all the usual mistakes like, "She grabbed his penis." You don't have to be graphic about it. You have to be much more subtle. You don't use "penis" and "vagina" if you can help it.

You can read excerpts, find book tour schedules, and purchase Steve's books at BBChow.com.

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Watch Queer Porn With A Homophobe

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 19 years old and I have been a lover of lesbian and gay porn for a few years now, but my boyfriend hates the thought of people of the same gender having sex. I don’t like hetero porn, which is all he uses. How can I get him to enjoy my kind of erotica?

Signed,
Georgia

Dear Georgia,

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like much fun. What’s a nice open-minded girl like you doing with that homophobe?

If this is the only major area of contention in your relationship, it’s still a pretty good relationship. But we wonder how compatible the two of you really are. Sure, opposites attract, but this may be a red flag that there’s a certain disparity in your sociopolitical values.

Most hetero males will suffer through some hot girl-on-girl action. So, we wonder about that. Perhaps he feels anxious because he’s not sure where he fits into your lesbo fantasies. Perhaps he fears he might lose you if he indulges your queer-curiosity. If you want to reassure him of your devotion to his cock while watching a girl/girl video, then give him an alternative commentary that inserts him into the narrative. "When they’re done licking each other, you’re going to fuck that blond girl, while the other blond girl sucks your balls." Stuff like that.

However, if he’s Catholic or whatever the current gay-bashing sect is today, you will have to deprogram him. Set aside a weekend for that. It will involve a hotel room, lots of alcohol and sex, and calling an escort or two so that he can see and hear a minimum of two girls going at it. Frequently reward him with blowjobs or whatever he likes most. This will at least get him feeling good about lesbians.

Suppose for a moment that your boyfriend feels threatened by gay porn not because he can’t admit that he secretly fantasizes about his golf buddies, but because he really is the #1 cheerleader for heterosexuality. What can you do about it? We don’t think you should compromise and watch hetero porn unless he’s willing to compromise, too. We’re bitchy like that. You can each watch porn privately and replay things in your head while you’re having sex. Or you can insist on a trade-off. One night, watch hetero and then next time, watch same-sex. If your boyfriend is at all attuned to your responses, your arousal might arouse him. In fact, he doesn't even have to watch if you lock his face between your legs and take control of the remote. And the same for you. Remember, there are so many flavors of imaginative hetero porn, so start looking for something that doesn’t offend your queer sensibilities. The folks at Blowfish have great taste and write superb capsule reviews.

Or better, set up two screens in your bedroom. Maybe one is the TV/DVD and the other is the laptop computer. Pick a position, say cowgirl. Set up the computer on pillows at the head of the bed so that you can watch Steve Marks and Alex Stone while you ride him. Position the TV to the side of the bed, so that he can turn his head slightly and watch Stephanie Swift and T.T. Boy. Anyone who actually tries this should set up a tripod, make a videotape, and send it to us. We'll reimburse you for the shipping. Sometimes our advice even astonishes us.

Coming soon: Nina and Rita’s favorite search terms, more Steve Almond, and more sex advice!

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Nina Interviews Steve Almond, Part 1

Today we launch a new feature on Advice Weekly. Our first interview is with Steve Almond at a bar in Somerville. Steve's books include The Evil B.B. Chow, Candyfreak, and My Life in Heavy Metal. He's also published maybe a hundred short stories in magazines and literary journals, and he teaches writing seminars at Boston College and Grub Street. Read excerpts from Steve's books at stevenalmond.com.

Nina was dressed like a bike messenger during this interview.

Steve: I know a fair amount but I don’t know anything about S/M.

Nina: I read some of your stuff. I think you have a good idea.
Steve: Well, alright. Maybe so. I don’t know from personal experience.

Nina: I think everyone has an underlying S/M relationship. They are just not aware of it.
Steve: Yes, I’m sort of aware.

Nina: Yes, you are, you are. So, what do you want me to ask you about? The sex, the writing, or the miscellaneous…
Steve: Whatever you want. You’re not drinking. Whatever, I’m chronically honest about it.

Nina: That’s what Matt Lamberti said about you. He said that you were very direct, very…
Steve: Life is short, you know.

Nina: It’s true. How do you spend your day?
Steve: I try to write in the morning. I just think that I’d feel guilty if I didn't write, so I get that done early in the day. I don’t have a job so I don’t have to go anywhere. I stay in my apartment and write what I’m seriously working on. Whatever long project. The thing I’m trying to do.

Nina: Writing a novel?
Steve: Writing a novel or whatever. That’s first then depending on how much I concentrate then I’ll sort of break for lunch, nap, reading. Always usually together, not always at the same time. Then in the later afternoon or early evening, I’ll work on articles, stuff that is less serious, more monetary, setting up readings so I get my work out, you know what I mean. Promotion kind of thing.

Nina: Your book tour is jam-packed until June.
Steve: It’s jam-packed but that’s what I do. That’s what I love to do. That is one of the few ways for writers to get their stuff out there. There is no other medium. The Candy tour was really nuts. It’s a nonfiction book, pop culture subject... everyone loves candy so it’s like my sit-com. And now I’m back into short stories which are cool and I love them. If I don’t make myself go out of the house, I don’t, which is bad.

Nina: I think that’s good. I don’t go out of the house much.
Steve: I’m a very social person ultimately so when I write, I have to lock myself in a cage.

Nina: What would we find if we were in your apartment?
Steve: You’ll find a lot, A LOT of candy.

Nina: Even in your bedroom?
Steve: Everywhere. In the bedroom, in the kitchen, everywhere, kind of a design element. A lot of crazy stuff on the walls, the walls are covered with student evaluations, letters, photos. Cool furniture that is all brightly painted.

Nina: Like that rocking chair? There is a photo in the 3am interview.
Steve: Yeah, all my stuff looks like that because I really like it.

Nina: I like the bay window.
Steve: Oh yeah. There is a bay window in the bedroom and in the sunroom where I write. It’s very gorgeous. It’s on the first level of a house and it has rich cherry wood. Really beautiful. It’s a great apartment. That’s why I moved to Boston, because I saw that apartment. For a while, it was pretty cheap then they raised the rent on me but whatever. Big kitchen. Lousy bathroom though. That’s the only thing.

Nina: For one person, it doesn’t really matter.
Steve: (pause) I know, but I like a big bathtub.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the Steve Almond interview, and we might even give you some sex advice next week, too.

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.