I Want To Take Off My Clothes for Strangers

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’ve had exhibitionist fantasies ever since I was a girl, but I’ve been too nervous about the possible ramifications to act them out. A few years ago, when I turned 35, I bought a webcam and found a way to engage in my fantasies in a manner I was comfortable with, namely, exposing myself in chat rooms. About six months ago, I finally confessed to my then boyfriend (now fiance) what I had been doing, which he actually already suspected. He didn’t want me to go on webcam on my own anymore, which I totally understand, and we tried several times to figure out a way for both of us to take part in this. We did have some fun (a virtual threesome was a highlight). But it became clear that what I wanted to do (expose myself to a lot of people) was hurtful to him, and the qualifiers he needed (fewer people viewing me, couples or women with webcams in exchange only) just frustrated me. So we’ve dropped the subject. My problem is that I’m really feeling that drive to be on webcam again, but I wouldn’t do it unless my fiance would be OK with it. But I don’t think that is likely to happen. So what do I do?

Signed,
Extraordinary Exhibitionist

Dear Extraordinary Exhibitionist,

It depends on how badly you want to get married. If you’re willing to give up the one thing that really turns you on in exchange for a pretty ring and all the accompanying privileges, then you should destroy your webcam. And stop reading now.

Oh, wait, read this paragraph, too. We consulted an expert, Trixie the Wandering Webwhore, who makes her living doing x-rated camshows. Trixie says, "I believe that promising to give up the freedom to show off to whomever she wants whenever she wants will be the beginning of the end of their relationship." Why? "She will never be able to give up the desire to taste and experience that forbidden fruit," Trixie says, "But if she continues to do shows to a limited audience he prescribes as being in his comfort zone, he will still always suspect she’s cheating. And she will always want to cheat."

The thing is, EE, it’s not like he’s asking you to give up some small thing. It’s not like he’s saying no more Grey Goose--from now on we only drink Stoli! You've had this fantasy for years and years, so you must have felt liberated when webcam technology enabled you to act out your fantasy in a safe context. "Her fantasies have revolved around exhibitionism since childhood," Trixie says, "So it sounds like an integral part of her personality and her fantasy life."

There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You’re not hurting anyone. Are you really hurting your fiance? It’s hard to say. Perhaps his ego is wounded because you don't want to follow his rules to pamper his sexual insecurities. At the same time, he's probably attracted to your exhibitionist side. Some men who fall in love with exhibitionists try to lay down boundaries to protect themselves, without fully understanding the nature of the fetish. By asking you to limit your exposure to couples and women, your fiance ignores the fact that nothing compares to an actual or virtual roomful of anonymous leering men. Rita used to be a stripper, and then her boyfriend said, "You can still strip, but only for me." And that kind of ruined it, especially since he forgot to bring dollar bills.

Nina believes that many men still cannot handle women’s alternative sexualities outside of casual encounters. Even liberal, experimental men get stuck thinking that their wives should not be slutty. Trixie advises you to put a hold on making a further commitment like marriage while you try to work this out. "If the relationship is special enough to salvage, they should consider getting a counselor to help them sort through this." Think about how you will frame the issue for the counselor: it's not about whether or not you can contain your desires. It's about your fiance's discomfort when you look elsewhere for something he cannot give you. If all else fails, do what Trixie did and find yourself a sexy exhibitionist boyfriend.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Decide Between True Love and Hot Sex

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 23 years old and I have to make a difficult decision. I had met someone who I thought was my soul mate. We can call her Kim. We were together for eight months and living together. Then Kim had to go away for school, far away. Months later, Kim broke up with me because she had to really find out if girls are for her. When we were apart, it tore me apart. It was the saddest time of my life. I said I would do anything for Kim, and I would always want her back, even though she didn’t want to be with me anymore. For months, I begged and pleaded for her to come back to me. Then, eventually, I let go and moved forward for the betterment of my life. I soon was much happier with my new girlfriend who was fun, hot, young and exciting. Best of all, we had amazing sex. I thought everything was going great. Then, one day, Kim called me and said that she wanted me back! I was thrilled and didn’t even care at the same time. I was happy with my new girlfriend. “The ship has sailed,” I told Kim. Then, after a couple of weeks, I realized that I should get back with Kim because of what we once shared. Now I realize that we have both changed, and that I am not ready for a long distance relationship. I see the girl I broke up with all the time and we still have crazy sexual tension that we both want to act on. I just don’t know if I can be strong when Kim is away at school for the next eight months. I had the best sex ever with this new girl and I crave her all the time. Obviously, you see my problem. I can’t decide between these two girls.

Signed,
Lesbian Drama Queen

Dear Lesbian Drama Queen,

Look here, the biggest perk of being a young lesbian is that you can have two girlfriends. Simply tell people that you are fighting patriarchal oppression, subverting traditional gender roles, and challenging the heterosexual status quo. That’s what lesbians used to do, and none of the conservative Christians could come up with legislation to regulate such radical behavior, although Pat Robertson did try very hard to persuade us that lesbians practice witchcraft and destroy capitalism. Those were the days, eh? Your lesbian foremothers suffered so that you can now enjoy a basic human right: the right to decide between true love and hot sex.

There is no correct choice, but pretty much everyone who is faced with this decision chooses true love. However, your circumstances are especially complicated because you can’t see Kim very often while she’s away at school. If you stay with Kim, you will learn some hard lessons about patience, self-control, and devotion. You must be careful to avoid running into the other girl. If you commit to a monogamous relationship, you and Kim are obligated to fulfill each other’s sexual needs, no matter how infrequently you see each other. You must find creative ways to express your sexuality with Kim, such as phone sex, cybersex, and old-fashioned love letters. You cannot simply set aside your sex drive for eight months. You need to send each other naked pictures, write each other naughty stories, and buy each other erotic toys for masturbation. Otherwise, one or both of you will eventually stray.

On the other hand, you’ve got something nice at home, which could likely get serious with a little nurturing. Try not to worry too much about whether or not she’s your soul mate. Instead, enjoy the sex and be open to what you can learn about relationships. Many lesbians do not find their life partners until they are in their 30s or 40s, so it’s not like the dating pool will dry up. The good news is that you don’t need to feel regrets, no matter who you choose. These big choices shape you into a more interesting person.

Still, you can’t keep going back and forth between these two girls, unless all three of you agree to dismantle the patriarchy, or at least to try open relationships. Some psychologists believe we should not expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and sexual needs. Since you have a heightened awareness of what each girl has to offer, you may be an ideal candidate for an open relationship. To find out more, go to the video store and rent Mango Kiss, a silly but accurate depiction of non-monogamous lesbians who are trying to figure out your same problems. And then buy The Ethical Slut, a book that helps you manage jealousy in open relationships.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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