Sex Advice

How To Have Sex With A Woman Who Is Not Your Wife

2005-08-15T18:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’m 38 years old and I lucked out in life and met the girl of my dreams in high school, and we’ve been married almost 20 years. The sex has been getting better and better as our kids are now old enough to entertain themselves, and we have a lot more time. The only problem is that we were both virgins when we started dating, and have been each other’s only sex partner. I can’t help wondering what I may have missed. Don’t get me wrong, we have an active sex life, and have been somewhat adventurous. I just have this nagging feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. How do I let this go without having an affair, which I don’t want to do?

Signed,
Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Having sex with another woman will probably not be better than having sex with your wife. In fact, you will probably be so nervous that you won't even be able to get an erection.

And yet, having sex with another woman could still be one of those life-enriching experiences like volunteering at a homeless shelter or seeing the Grand Canyon. If your marriage is so fucking awesome, then you and your wife should try swinging. Sure, "swinger" seems like the one label you don't want associated with your identity, but you’ll feel better when you browse thousands of profiles of regular couples on reputable adult dating websites. (We’re not giving URLs because Rita and her ex-boyfriend forgot to take down their profile after breaking up.)

The nice thing about swinging is that you don’t have to lie to your wife. But, the hard thing about swinging is that you have to be honest with your wife. We suggest you tell her that you are very happy in the marriage, and you have recently become aware of some new sexual needs that develop quite naturally from becoming a middle-aged adult within a stable family lifestyle. You might even tell her that you feel there’s a lot of confusing messages in our culture, so that having an affair or denying oneself seem to be the most popular, yet unappealing, solutions. And then, take a deep breath and tell her that you want try wife-swapping.

Does it make the conversation easier or harder to assume that, deep down, your wife feels the same way? She’s curious about making love with other men. Before you have this conversation with her, you must become totally comfortable about her making love with other men. If you’re not comfortable with your wife making love with other men, then you are not ready to be a swinger, and you’re not worthy of our advice.

After you and your wife have reassured each other that you are totally in love with each other and completely happy in your marriage, then you can put a profile online and start flirting with other couples. A good couples dating website will have a list of rules and guidelines to help you establish appropriate contact with other couples. You’ve missed the era of online dating, so be warned that there are some fakes out there, but after a while you’ll be able to spot who is serious.

Before you make arrangements to meet potential couples face-to-face, you and your wife need to agree upon what you are seeking. Just like singles, some couples are looking for one night stands, while others want an ongoing connection. In the beginning, it’s fine for you and wife to say that you are "exploring the scene" if you're not sure what kind of relationship you want. However, you absolutely must establish your boundaries--what body parts and activities are off limits--before you find yourselves in a hot tub with a randy schoolteacher and dentist couple from the suburbs.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

I Want To Take Off My Clothes for Strangers

2005-07-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’ve had exhibitionist fantasies ever since I was a girl, but I’ve been too nervous about the possible ramifications to act them out. A few years ago, when I turned 35, I bought a webcam and found a way to engage in my fantasies in a manner I was comfortable with, namely, exposing myself in chat rooms. About six months ago, I finally confessed to my then boyfriend (now fiance) what I had been doing, which he actually already suspected. He didn’t want me to go on webcam on my own anymore, which I totally understand, and we tried several times to figure out a way for both of us to take part in this. We did have some fun (a virtual threesome was a highlight). But it became clear that what I wanted to do (expose myself to a lot of people) was hurtful to him, and the qualifiers he needed (fewer people viewing me, couples or women with webcams in exchange only) just frustrated me. So we’ve dropped the subject. My problem is that I’m really feeling that drive to be on webcam again, but I wouldn’t do it unless my fiance would be OK with it. But I don’t think that is likely to happen. So what do I do?

Signed,
Extraordinary Exhibitionist

Dear Extraordinary Exhibitionist,

It depends on how badly you want to get married. If you’re willing to give up the one thing that really turns you on in exchange for a pretty ring and all the accompanying privileges, then you should destroy your webcam. And stop reading now.

Oh, wait, read this paragraph, too. We consulted an expert, Trixie the Wandering Webwhore, who makes her living doing x-rated camshows. Trixie says, "I believe that promising to give up the freedom to show off to whomever she wants whenever she wants will be the beginning of the end of their relationship." Why? "She will never be able to give up the desire to taste and experience that forbidden fruit," Trixie says, "But if she continues to do shows to a limited audience he prescribes as being in his comfort zone, he will still always suspect she’s cheating. And she will always want to cheat."

The thing is, EE, it’s not like he’s asking you to give up some small thing. It’s not like he’s saying no more Grey Goose--from now on we only drink Stoli! You've had this fantasy for years and years, so you must have felt liberated when webcam technology enabled you to act out your fantasy in a safe context. "Her fantasies have revolved around exhibitionism since childhood," Trixie says, "So it sounds like an integral part of her personality and her fantasy life."

There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You’re not hurting anyone. Are you really hurting your fiance? It’s hard to say. Perhaps his ego is wounded because you don't want to follow his rules to pamper his sexual insecurities. At the same time, he's probably attracted to your exhibitionist side. Some men who fall in love with exhibitionists try to lay down boundaries to protect themselves, without fully understanding the nature of the fetish. By asking you to limit your exposure to couples and women, your fiance ignores the fact that nothing compares to an actual or virtual roomful of anonymous leering men. Rita used to be a stripper, and then her boyfriend said, "You can still strip, but only for me." And that kind of ruined it, especially since he forgot to bring dollar bills.

Nina believes that many men still cannot handle women’s alternative sexualities outside of casual encounters. Even liberal, experimental men get stuck thinking that their wives should not be slutty. Trixie advises you to put a hold on making a further commitment like marriage while you try to work this out. "If the relationship is special enough to salvage, they should consider getting a counselor to help them sort through this." Think about how you will frame the issue for the counselor: it's not about whether or not you can contain your desires. It's about your fiance's discomfort when you look elsewhere for something he cannot give you. If all else fails, do what Trixie did and find yourself a sexy exhibitionist boyfriend.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How to Decide Between True Love and Hot Sex

2005-07-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 23 years old and I have to make a difficult decision. I had met someone who I thought was my soul mate. We can call her Kim. We were together for eight months and living together. Then Kim had to go away for school, far away. Months later, Kim broke up with me because she had to really find out if girls are for her. When we were apart, it tore me apart. It was the saddest time of my life. I said I would do anything for Kim, and I would always want her back, even though she didn’t want to be with me anymore. For months, I begged and pleaded for her to come back to me. Then, eventually, I let go and moved forward for the betterment of my life. I soon was much happier with my new girlfriend who was fun, hot, young and exciting. Best of all, we had amazing sex. I thought everything was going great. Then, one day, Kim called me and said that she wanted me back! I was thrilled and didn’t even care at the same time. I was happy with my new girlfriend. “The ship has sailed,” I told Kim. Then, after a couple of weeks, I realized that I should get back with Kim because of what we once shared. Now I realize that we have both changed, and that I am not ready for a long distance relationship. I see the girl I broke up with all the time and we still have crazy sexual tension that we both want to act on. I just don’t know if I can be strong when Kim is away at school for the next eight months. I had the best sex ever with this new girl and I crave her all the time. Obviously, you see my problem. I can’t decide between these two girls.

Signed,
Lesbian Drama Queen

Dear Lesbian Drama Queen,

Look here, the biggest perk of being a young lesbian is that you can have two girlfriends. Simply tell people that you are fighting patriarchal oppression, subverting traditional gender roles, and challenging the heterosexual status quo. That’s what lesbians used to do, and none of the conservative Christians could come up with legislation to regulate such radical behavior, although Pat Robertson did try very hard to persuade us that lesbians practice witchcraft and destroy capitalism. Those were the days, eh? Your lesbian foremothers suffered so that you can now enjoy a basic human right: the right to decide between true love and hot sex.

There is no correct choice, but pretty much everyone who is faced with this decision chooses true love. However, your circumstances are especially complicated because you can’t see Kim very often while she’s away at school. If you stay with Kim, you will learn some hard lessons about patience, self-control, and devotion. You must be careful to avoid running into the other girl. If you commit to a monogamous relationship, you and Kim are obligated to fulfill each other’s sexual needs, no matter how infrequently you see each other. You must find creative ways to express your sexuality with Kim, such as phone sex, cybersex, and old-fashioned love letters. You cannot simply set aside your sex drive for eight months. You need to send each other naked pictures, write each other naughty stories, and buy each other erotic toys for masturbation. Otherwise, one or both of you will eventually stray.

On the other hand, you’ve got something nice at home, which could likely get serious with a little nurturing. Try not to worry too much about whether or not she’s your soul mate. Instead, enjoy the sex and be open to what you can learn about relationships. Many lesbians do not find their life partners until they are in their 30s or 40s, so it’s not like the dating pool will dry up. The good news is that you don’t need to feel regrets, no matter who you choose. These big choices shape you into a more interesting person.

Still, you can’t keep going back and forth between these two girls, unless all three of you agree to dismantle the patriarchy, or at least to try open relationships. Some psychologists believe we should not expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and sexual needs. Since you have a heightened awareness of what each girl has to offer, you may be an ideal candidate for an open relationship. To find out more, go to the video store and rent Mango Kiss, a silly but accurate depiction of non-monogamous lesbians who are trying to figure out your same problems. And then buy The Ethical Slut, a book that helps you manage jealousy in open relationships.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Why She Hasn't Returned Your Call

2005-06-19T23:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’ve known this girl from work for a few years. We've always been friends, but four months ago our relationship became sexual even though she was in a relationship, and he was living with her. I know this is wrong, but everyone knows he is not a great guy. One day, a while back, he smacked her outside of our workplace. She repeatedly told me how she hates him, and doesn’t love him anymore. But she kept him around to help pay the mortgage. Yes, she was using him. She said, after a few drinks, that she was falling in love with me and loves me. I never said it back because I’ve been hurt in the past when I fall for girls. I did tell her many times I would like to be with her, that I wanted her to dump him, and that I would help figure out her finances, not pay them. Cut to now: she has left our workplace because she got a better job and I haven’t heard from her since. I called and text-messaged her for a few days in a row, and then stopped. I haven’t called her for two weeks now. I don’t understand how someone can say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact. If she is done with our affair, I can handle that, but why doesn’t she tell me? I developed feelings for her and I would still like to be her friend. What should I do? Send her a letter? Stop by her new job? Call her one more time?

Signed,
The Other Man

Dear The Other Man,

This is one of the sweetest and saddest fables of love. Your story, with all its sentimental baggage, describes a rite of passage that reveals the frail vulnerability of the heart and the infuriating irrationality of the psyche. As we read each sentence of your letter, we smile a kind, forgiving smile. We want you to curl up in the crook of our arm, and we’ll say, "There, there."

Like any cultural myth, your story’s purpose is to try to explain an unexplainable phenomenon. How can someone say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact? By definition, the answer to your question lies in your own telling of the timeless myth. She hasn’t called you back because that’s what the character of this myth does. Unfortunately, you won’t understand why she hasn’t called you back until you inadvertently take on another role in this triangular myth: you, avoiding an anxious lover’s secret messages. Until then, you don’t need to understand why she hasn’t called you back. All you need to know is that she does not want to be with you anymore and there’s nothing you can do about it.

If she’s still with her boyfriend, then they’ve got a hell of a delicate arrangement and you should stay the hell away, despite your lingering feelings. She wanted you to give her everything her boyfriend gave her, except the domestic violence part. She really really needed someone to help pay her bills. We’re not suggesting that you should have put on your red cape and swooped in to rescue her, but we think that’s what she was looking for. You had the best intentions, and you offered her a path toward financial independence and a better life. She chose not to take that risk. And that’s that.

There are other possibilities, too. Maybe she’s making more money at her new job, and she’s going to develop financial independence without your help. Perhaps she felt hurt that you couldn’t say you loved her. Maybe she regards you as an immature nuisance who wants free nookie. If you want to make one last go at it, you probably have a 14% chance of winning her back. Why not go to her workplace and make a huge Hollywood spectacle with a dozen red roses, etc? The only problem is that if her boyfriend hears about it, he might beat her up. And then you’ll have to beat him up. That may be the end of it, unless he decides to shoot both of you and then shoot himself. It couldn’t hurt to check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline website before you go.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Rita Interviews Stephen Elliott

2005-06-05T18:14:00.000-04:00

Our next interview is with Stephen Elliott, the author of four novels including A Life Without Consequences and Happy Baby. The New York Times called Happy Baby “the most intelligent and beautiful book ever written about juvenile detention centers, sadomasochism and drugs.”

This interview took place in San Francisco -- in a taxi, a bar, several diners, and the Hotel Triton. At times, Rita wore a nurse costume. At times, Stephen was tied up. You can visit him at stephenelliott.com. [photo by Jeremiah Johnson]

RITA: Do you know the date of your last tetanus shot?

STEPHEN: Yeah, I got a tetanus shot three months ago. I had to get my vaccinations for Uganda.

RITA: I see. Well, I may have to administer some other vaccinations. Are you sexually active with others at all?

STEPHEN: No, not really.

RITA: Mr. Elliott, are you going to answer these questions honestly? I think you’re lying. I may have to force you to answer. It might come to that.

* * *

RITA: I see you have Salvador Dali’s The Persistence of Memory tattooed on your left thigh. What’s the story behind that?

STEPHEN: I was hanging out with a tattoo artist in college, a gun lover, and I saw the painting and thought it was kind of interesting and said, “You should do that on my leg.” I had a burn there anyway.

RITA: What did you like about the painting?

STEPHEN: I liked the idea of memory and memory transformed. How the past shapes you, but the past also changes when you shape the past. I have a strange relationship with that. I believe very strongly in the subjectivity of the past: how every person experiences it differently and their interpretation of the experience is the truth. I think people rarely intentionally lie about the past despite their failure to distinguish what may or may not have happened. It comes up a lot when you’re a ward of the court. When the state takes custody of you and there’s battles over child abuse, they’re keeping a log on the different children. The state has one story, the parents another, and the child a third. Usually nobody is intentionally lying, they're just different interpretations of the same events. Though only the child can know the emotional truth of abuse.

RITA: I was wondering about that and how in A Life Without Consequences, everyone is reading Paul’s file. What is the difference between having everyone read your file and writing semi-autobiographical novels that allow readers to know a whole lot about your life?

STEPHEN: The thing about Paul and the thing about being a ward of the state [Stephen left home at age thirteen and the state took custody when he was fourteen after a year sleeping on the streets] is that people are reading your records, but you’re not writing them. They’re writing your story and they’re in control of it. And then when you write your story--you fictionalize it--you’re really going through your experience, what happened to you. It’s actually funny about the records that people keep because I just got the records from the state a few months ago, and it was surprisingly accurate! That psychological test that I wrote about in A Life Without Consequences that they gave Paul--that they gave me and they wouldn’t let me see--I finally just got it a few months ago, and it was dead on, I thought! They understood me much better than I thought they did at the time. I was so resentful at them for keeping all these records on me and not letting me read them. I felt so misunderstood, but I don’t think I was that misunderstood. I think they understood me. It was powerful to see the records. In a strange way, it made me much more sympathetic to the guardians, and the court, and the people who are in the child welfare system, the social workers who are trying to do well against massive odds. I disliked them so much as a kid.

RITA: When I finished reading A Life Without Consequences, I cried and cried, although I think there’s something uplifting as well. I think Happy Baby ends in an uplifting way, too.

STEPHEN: I think A Life Without Consequences has a really happy ending. In the end, Paul learns to accept that he’s a group home kid, and that group homes are a major part of who he is, and he’ll always be a group home kid, and he can work within a framework of his own. Most of the time in A Life Without Consequences, he’s trying to deny that he’s a messed up kid. He won’t accept the reality of the situation. I think people are happier when they know their limitations and then they can push them and work within them, as opposed to denying them. You have to know who you are first and that’s why he turns away from Jessica who is a really nice well-adjusted middle class girl, but who doesn’t need him the way Tanya needs him. Now, with Happy Baby, the actual ending is on page sixteen and it is a happy ending but no one knows it’s the ending. That’s the furthest point in the narrative, a guy who’s ready to start over. He’s not going back. He’s going to run away one more time. So, it’s actually a happy ending, but it’s on page sixteen.

RITA: (giggling like a schoolgirl) Wow, I like it when you talk about your books. What do you teach students who are interested in fiction?

STEPHEN: I try to brainwash them with my aesthetic. I try to make them like the things that I like. And then I try to break their own style so that it conforms more to the things I want to read.

RITA: They must adore you for that.

STEPHEN: (laughing) Yeah, totally. People want to know what’s good and what’s not good, so I tell them.

RITA: Are there any topics you could give people advice on for our sex advice column?

STEPHEN: I don’t even know my own sexuality. Though, writing Happy Baby was like coming out of the closet for me. It made me immensely more comfortable about my desires. Now I can’t write about sex anymore because I don’t have the same shame associated with it. I mean, without the shame and the conflict, why write about it? I kind of miss that a little bit. I don’t have that feeling of like, “I’ve got to write something, there’s something personal that I have to get out.”

RITA: Maybe you have a sex advice question for me…?

STEPHEN: I was going to ask you about a woman I met in San Jose last week. She was really mean but I like that. It’s an unfortunate condition on my part. It was one of the best scenes I’ve ever had. She was in control from the moment I walked in. I’m going to try not to fall in love with her…I can tell she’s an awful person. My question is: will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone I’m attracted to?

RITA: I don’t think you should worry about whether you’ll fall in love with her. I think your attraction to mean woman will find a way to work itself out. I can think of three ways this might happen. The first possibility is that you find a woman who's been through therapy and wants to have a healthy relationship, and she also craves an outlet for her sadistic side, so the two of you will figure out how to make it work. The second possibility is that you meet a wonderful friend and partner, perhaps a submissive, who is not sadistic but is open-minded enough to let you see mean dommes "on the side." And the third possibility is that you enter into a relationship with a genuinely mean woman, but this time your eyes are open and you set certain boundaries to take care of yourself, and you call upon your friends and therapist and other support to help you adhere to those boundaries. Sure, these are all unusual relationships, but that's your life, pal.

* * *

RITA: When you get interviewed, is there a question that you always wish they’d ask you?

STEPHEN: It's funny because Happy Baby is a very sexual book but it's also a very language driven book. I thought when it came out people would want to talk more about sex, but they didn't. They often want to talk about child abuse and state facilities for children, which is fine. I want to talk about that. It's really important to me. Sex is kind of a scary topic. They don’t want to talk about it. I remember the first interviewer to ask me, she asked, “Are you a submissive?” I was in a taxi talking to her on the phone. Happy Baby had been out six months already and nobody had asked me that. I turned beet red. It totally freaked me out. I couldn’t really talk. But I was also so totally turned on. I developed a large attraction to this person because she asked me this question.

RITA: Have you had sex workers or people in the sex industry contact you after reading your books?

STEPHEN: Not too much. A lot of the people who contact me tend to be abused children. That’s the number one group of people who contact me. “I was also abused, I really related to your story and to the books.” They find a connection in that. That would the main group. Then, the people who read Happy Baby: a lot of people write who are submissive. Never has a dominant written to me after reading Happy Baby. It’s always submissive, which is really unfortunate because I kind of thought that after Happy Baby all these dominant women would contact me and say, “I want to tie you up and hurt you,” and instead it’s people saying, “I also want to be hurt,” and I’m like, “Why are you contacting me? We can’t do anything for each other, you know?” (laughing) Still, it’s nice when people contact you. When people don’t read your books it’s really painful, not because you don’t make any money but because you’ve tried to say something and nobody has heard you or read it. Whenever you get a letter from somebody--it doesn’t matter what their motives are--it affirms to you that someone heard what you’re saying.

RITA: What’s your next novel going to be about?

STEPHEN: I have different ideas everyday. It’ll probably be set in Las Vegas…gambling, sex, violence.

RITA: My dad gambles. He’s an engineer, so I think he counts cards.

STEPHEN: The first time I was in Vegas I spent three days in jail. I was a runaway, fourteen years old.

RITA: You wrote about that.

STEPHEN: All those things in that book are true! They put me on a Trailways bus back to Chicago with four dollars!

RITA: What else have you done in Vegas?

STEPHEN: One time I was there and I won fifteen thousand dollars. My publisher left me at a craps table with a stake, a little over a thousand on the felt. He told me to play it out, he was going to bed. He just left me there. All of a sudden, my streets were burning, as they say. I won fifteen thousand dollars. I had women on my arms. I was like a pimp or something. It was the most amazing feeling, even though I gave him the money back. It felt so good to stand there and be a high roller, five hundred dollars for every square, a crowd of people watching.

RITA: How did you know when to stop?

STEPHEN: I don’t know why I stopped. It was a good eight or ten hours. It wasn’t like I sat down for twenty minutes and then stopped. The only time that publisher ever made money off me was that one night in Vegas.

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Male Error -- Receives But Can't Send

2005-05-23T01:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I have been having sex with the same girl for about six months, and I have yet to get off. She has Multi-O’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am far from starving, but she feels inadequate.

We just had an agreeable breakup. I am sure this played a hand in it. I’d like to have this problem resolved before my next long term sexual partner. I’d like to have it resolved before my next short term partner, but that seems lofty.

When I lost my virginity (20), it took me three weeks to orgasm for the first time. Blow jobs, nothing. When I am with a man, too, I get the same results. Maybe I should say lack of results.

I love sexual acts! And I don’t mind not getting off. Nor do I mind getting off. In other words, the only reason I care is because others care.

Some more information: I am 24 years old, have ADD, masturbate eight times a week, I have quiet orgasms, grew up in the South, I can’t spell, I don’t sleep much, and if I were ever to have a baseball card, this is what would be on the back of it. Along with runs batted in.

Signed,
Dylan

Dear Dylan,

There are ways to achieve sexual pleasure without having an orgasm. For example, Nina enjoys erotic role-playing, and she’s high for days afterwards – this is much more pleasure than an orgasm can give her. Rita loves S/M, and she gets so aroused by spanking someone that she often forgets to have an orgasm. But yeah, you know that already. We just wanted an excuse to talk about our own sex lives, which are really kind of dry lately.

You get an A+ for self-acceptance, Dylan, and that’s a valuable quality to carry through your life. We suspect that you are a wonderful lover because of your open-minded attitude. If we are going to lay down the odds, it’s likely that you have some psycho-sexual issues about power and control. Giving in to an orgasm means going out of control, and going out of control is scary for some of us. You might want to look into consensual erotic bondage. If you are tied up, then you’ve got no choice because your partner is "forcing" you to have an orgasm. We’re guessing that’s probably your thing. You could also try tying up your partner and see if you can come when your partner is immobilized.

You may be shy about having an orgasm in front of another person. This is because people look funny when they come and they make crazy loud noises, although we noticed how you are quick to point out that your orgasms are quiet and the inclusion of that detail makes it all the more likely that you are super self-conscious about your orgasms. Try wearing a blindfold or earplugs. We’re serious. This is another form of bondage, called sensory bondage.

If bondage isn’t your thing, you can also find a therapist who can help you learn how to build trust with your partner so that you can feel more comfortable giving up control and making wild beast noises.

It’s outrageously healthy to masturbate daily, so you’re on the right track there. What gets you off when you are masturbating? Are you fantasizing about something kinky? Is your finger wiggling into your butt? Whatever you are thinking about or doing, you’re going to have to literally or metaphorically bring that into the bedroom with your next sexual partner. Maybe you’re thinking about a woman rubbing her feet against your penis. This means you have a foot fetish, and sometimes people who have foot fetishes can only orgasm if feet are involved. You have to be really honest with yourself about what turns you on, no matter how kinky. And then you have to go online and find other people who feel the same way as you.

We’re bad girls gone badder, so we’re always trying to persuade impressionable younger men like you to try something naughty. For ethical balance, we admit it’s entirely possible that you’ve simply grown too accustomed to your own touch, and therefore you can’t have an orgasm through intercourse or oral sex. If so, then bring masturbation into the bedroom with your next partner. Do all the other things that you and s/he like, relax and enjoy yourself, and then when it’s time for your money shot, tell her/him that you need to jerk off. That’s not completely unusual. You can keep doing that for months, even years, until you want to get a girl pregnant.

Some sex advice columnists believe that your situation may be the result of using the death grip on yourself when you masturbate. Your partner’s orifices can’t recreate that sensation, so most sex advice columnists recommend a disciplined training program that encourages a lighter touch. Basically, you are prohibited from having a death grip orgasm, and eventually you regain sensitivity in your penis.

If all else fails, it’s easy to find a woman or a man on alt.com looking for a man whose greatest pleasure comes from giving pleasure. We’d always assumed that such creatures were mythical like unicorns, but maybe you’ve got a real gift and you should share it with people who appreciate it. You’ll be that guy whose classified ad on the back page of the free weekly says, "UNLIMITED PLEASURE 4 U, NO RECIPROCATION REQUIRED."

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

She's a Nine and He's a Five

2005-05-08T19:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am currently seeing a woman who, in my opinion, is way better looking than I am. I’d say she is a 9 and I’m a 5 (on a good day). Some say she’s a Pam Anderson type. But that is the tip of the iceberg…she is also three years older than me, has a seven year old son, and is still close friends with “her baby daddy” – what a stupid phrase. And, the father is, again in my opinion, better looking than I. And I am also concerned about having to compete with him, which I know I cannot do – after all he is the father. What should I do about my insecurities on the looks factor? In my mind, I think people are looking at us and thinking, “What the hell is she doing with him?” And, what should I do about the father factor?

Signed,
Beauty and the Beast

Dear Beast,

Let’s begin by looking at Pamela Anderson’s boyfriends. Yeah, Tommy Lee was hot naked…but skuzzy when fully clothed. In addition to giving her Hepatitis C, Tommy Lee was sentenced to six months in prison for beating Pammy. Kid Rock looks yummy in a wife-beater but he’s also kind of frightening, and the evidence is inconclusive as to whether Kid Rock was good-looking before he met Pam. Stephen Dorff gets named Hunk of Month in magazines, and his fan base consists of teenage girls and gay men, so yeah, he’s hot, but their romance only lasted five months because Pam "felt the relationship didn’t have a future."

Beast, there will always be people who are better looking than you. Some people date and procreate with people who are about their same level of attractiveness. But there is no natural law governing this world that says Nines must date Nines and Fives must date Fives. That's what makes love so exciting. Even so, when anyone sees a female Nine dating a male Five, they assume he has a lot of money. So enjoy the scandal of it, even if she makes more than you. Or, if both incomes are equal, people assume that he can really make her laugh. Plus, it’s no secret that men in the 4-6 range are very skilled at performing oral sex. But these are general traits. If you really want to know, you have to ask your girlfriend what she likes about you. Her answer may be somewhat abstract, such as she feels safe around you, or she likes that you respect her intelligence, but that’s probably a good thing. It means she likes you for yourself, not your bling or your tricked-out ride.

Women are more likely than men to choose a partner on personality over looks. Yet, it’s unclear what you like about this woman aside from the fact that she looks like Pamela Anderson. The stuff you’re worrying about is basically beyond your control. She will always be three years older than you. She will always have a son. These are the things that make her interesting. Maybe you're concerned that your judgmental friends who only date younger, childless women are whispering, "What the hell is he doing with her?" If you want to date a younger, childless gal who looks like Pamela Anderson, then cut your Beauty loose, and find someone who better fits your ideal, or pay someone to pretend.

Anyway, Beast, what we like about you is that you are trying to figure out how to thrive in a nontraditional relationship. (After all, if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship, then none of this should matter anyway.) There’s very little you change about the circumstances you’ve described, so you have to think long and hard if you can accept and cherish the qualities that set her apart. If you want to stay with her, you’ll need to put some time and energy towards working on your issues:

First, you should feel more confident about your appearance. If reality TV has taught us anything, it’s that people who are only beautiful on the inside can get an ego boost from a makeover. Learn more about men’s clothes so that you can develop a signature style. If possible, have some of your clothes tailored so that they fit perfectly. Wear a cologne that your girlfriend likes. But also find an alternate cologne that other women like. You want something that will make ladies lean in and announce, "You smell so good!" And this will make you feel good. Occasionally spend more than ten buck getting your hair cut at a good salon, and ask for advice about the best facial hair patterns to match your bone structure. With regular maintenance, you should be able to pass for a 6 or 7 (on a good day).

Second, recognize that her decision to maintain a friendship her child's father is in the best interest of providing stability for her son, so don’t rock that boat. Instead, see if you can get onboard. The best thing you can do is to be a reliable and benevolent person in that boy’s life. Find out what seven-year-old boys like. With the guidance of your girlfriend, figure out small ways that you can fit into his life. Start small, like making him pancakes on Fridays, or picking him up from school on Tuesdays and taking him for an ice cream cone. Don’t commit to more than you can give and don’t fuck it up. Gradually, you will develop a relationship with the boy that will rival the father's, and you'll impress the hell out of your girlfriend.

This week’s extra feature: Everyone knows that the best thing about having a sex blog is receiving the monthly list of search terms generated by the stats program. These are the words, phrases, and questions that people type in to Google, Yahoo, and Ask Jeeves, which lead them to adviceweekly.com. An analysis of the list suggests that the biggest social problem facing the typical American is a flirtatious boss. Maybe the Republicans are already on top of this problem. Or the Democrats—we’re not sure anymore. Here is a sample of the workplace advice seekers:

married boss flirts advice tips

my boss wants to fuck me

innocent flirting with coworkers

The other thing we noticed is that we get a visit from the googlebot when people are looking for porn. So we’d love to meet the folks who type in stuff like:

sleeping girls sex drunk mom porn

male prostate stimulation pictures kinky

puppy husband BDSM

Anyway, we picked our favorite adviceweekly.com search terms and posted them on our Nina and Rita pages. We'll leave you with this lovely adviceweekly.com search term haiku:

Cunnilingus banana
Husband spanks wife
Ejaculate shoot dribble

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Nina Interviews Steve Almond, Part 2

2005-04-25T16:47:00.000-04:00

Click here for Part 1 of Nina's interview with Steve Almond.

Nina and Steve's conversation turns to sex and writing...

Nina: Whose sexy writing do you admire?
Steve: There are a lot. Mary Gaitskill. Terrific stories. Alicia Erian. Alicia'�s writing is beautiful. Good sex scenes. You should be turned on when you are writing. You should be that "in it" with the characters. I always feel like there are so many books where...they are going to bed, and they cut away and they wake up in the morning. � I�'m always disappointed, like, here we go, this is where it� was going to get good.

Nina: What is the difference between--
Steve: I'll tell you the difference between erotica and pornography or sexy literature and pornography. Pornography is about exciting glands. It gives you a hard-on, whatever. And I think erotica definitely has that byproduct but it is also emotional. It's being sexual with somebody, being sexual with yourself, being sexual in your fantasy life. It's open to fear, embarrassment, and shame. You know, that total range of emotions, whereas pornography performs a mechanical service.

Nina: I like that answer.
Steve: Well, I thought about it a lot. I have to justify why I am doing this exactly.

Nina: Have you written a sex scene that has made you uncomfortable?
Steve: I haven't. I have been uncomfortable in sexual situations. Plenty. You know what, that's not true. There are moments when I think, "Can I write that?" Where I'm sanctioning myself as a pervert for thinking that. So, I definitely had moments where I got a little bit embarrassed. Part of it is personal shame but most of it is: "Am I now exploiting material?" and "Am I now just writing this just to elicit a reaction from the readers as opposed to really being with the characters in that angry, fucked-up, self-hating, shameful thought?"

Nina: What do you think of Boston? Everyone is very conservative here.
Steve: Yes, Boston is a little bit more [conservative] but you know what? People in Boston are horny all the time.

Nina: I think people in Boston hide it well.
Steve: It's the cold weather and it's also--

Nina: I find myself in conversations where I cannot express what I mean without people looking at me as some kind of perv, which I am!
Steve: Several years ago when I started much more pointedly writing about sex...I know what you are saying. There is an uptight vibe in Boston. I just put myself in a setting that is more relaxed. Well, I create them if possible.

Nina: What are you going to talk about in your upcoming sex writing seminar at Grub Street?
Steve: I'm talking about how not to fuck up sex writing. When people write about sex, they end up writing not about sex, or totally exploiting it, or not enough about the emotional experience and the intellectual part of sex. I mean, all this stuff is happening --your body, your mind. [The seminar] is going to be about trying to get people, when they are ready, to not be embarrassed writing about sex and not make all the usual mistakes like, "She grabbed his penis." You don't have to be graphic about it. You have to be much more subtle. You don't use "penis" and "vagina" if you can help it.

You can read excerpts, find book tour schedules, and purchase Steve's books at BBChow.com.

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Watch Queer Porn With A Homophobe

2005-04-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 19 years old and I have been a lover of lesbian and gay porn for a few years now, but my boyfriend hates the thought of people of the same gender having sex. I don’t like hetero porn, which is all he uses. How can I get him to enjoy my kind of erotica?

Signed,
Georgia

Dear Georgia,

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like much fun. What’s a nice open-minded girl like you doing with that homophobe?

If this is the only major area of contention in your relationship, it’s still a pretty good relationship. But we wonder how compatible the two of you really are. Sure, opposites attract, but this may be a red flag that there’s a certain disparity in your sociopolitical values.

Most hetero males will suffer through some hot girl-on-girl action. So, we wonder about that. Perhaps he feels anxious because he’s not sure where he fits into your lesbo fantasies. Perhaps he fears he might lose you if he indulges your queer-curiosity. If you want to reassure him of your devotion to his cock while watching a girl/girl video, then give him an alternative commentary that inserts him into the narrative. "When they’re done licking each other, you’re going to fuck that blond girl, while the other blond girl sucks your balls." Stuff like that.

However, if he’s Catholic or whatever the current gay-bashing sect is today, you will have to deprogram him. Set aside a weekend for that. It will involve a hotel room, lots of alcohol and sex, and calling an escort or two so that he can see and hear a minimum of two girls going at it. Frequently reward him with blowjobs or whatever he likes most. This will at least get him feeling good about lesbians.

Suppose for a moment that your boyfriend feels threatened by gay porn not because he can’t admit that he secretly fantasizes about his golf buddies, but because he really is the #1 cheerleader for heterosexuality. What can you do about it? We don’t think you should compromise and watch hetero porn unless he’s willing to compromise, too. We’re bitchy like that. You can each watch porn privately and replay things in your head while you’re having sex. Or you can insist on a trade-off. One night, watch hetero and then next time, watch same-sex. If your boyfriend is at all attuned to your responses, your arousal might arouse him. In fact, he doesn't even have to watch if you lock his face between your legs and take control of the remote. And the same for you. Remember, there are so many flavors of imaginative hetero porn, so start looking for something that doesn’t offend your queer sensibilities. The folks at Blowfish have great taste and write superb capsule reviews.

Or better, set up two screens in your bedroom. Maybe one is the TV/DVD and the other is the laptop computer. Pick a position, say cowgirl. Set up the computer on pillows at the head of the bed so that you can watch Steve Marks and Alex Stone while you ride him. Position the TV to the side of the bed, so that he can turn his head slightly and watch Stephanie Swift and T.T. Boy. Anyone who actually tries this should set up a tripod, make a videotape, and send it to us. We'll reimburse you for the shipping. Sometimes our advice even astonishes us.

Coming soon: Nina and Rita’s favorite search terms, more Steve Almond, and more sex advice!

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Nina Interviews Steve Almond, Part 1

2005-04-04T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today we launch a new feature on Advice Weekly. Our first interview is with Steve Almond at a bar in Somerville. Steve's books include The Evil B.B. Chow, Candyfreak, and My Life in Heavy Metal. He's also published maybe a hundred short stories in magazines and literary journals, and he teaches writing seminars at Boston College and Grub Street. Read excerpts from Steve's books at stevenalmond.com.

Nina was dressed like a bike messenger during this interview.

Steve: I know a fair amount but I don’t know anything about S/M.

Nina: I read some of your stuff. I think you have a good idea.
Steve: Well, alright. Maybe so. I don’t know from personal experience.

Nina: I think everyone has an underlying S/M relationship. They are just not aware of it.
Steve: Yes, I’m sort of aware.

Nina: Yes, you are, you are. So, what do you want me to ask you about? The sex, the writing, or the miscellaneous…
Steve: Whatever you want. You’re not drinking. Whatever, I’m chronically honest about it.

Nina: That’s what Matt Lamberti said about you. He said that you were very direct, very…
Steve: Life is short, you know.

Nina: It’s true. How do you spend your day?
Steve: I try to write in the morning. I just think that I’d feel guilty if I didn't write, so I get that done early in the day. I don’t have a job so I don’t have to go anywhere. I stay in my apartment and write what I’m seriously working on. Whatever long project. The thing I’m trying to do.

Nina: Writing a novel?
Steve: Writing a novel or whatever. That’s first then depending on how much I concentrate then I’ll sort of break for lunch, nap, reading. Always usually together, not always at the same time. Then in the later afternoon or early evening, I’ll work on articles, stuff that is less serious, more monetary, setting up readings so I get my work out, you know what I mean. Promotion kind of thing.

Nina: Your book tour is jam-packed until June.
Steve: It’s jam-packed but that’s what I do. That’s what I love to do. That is one of the few ways for writers to get their stuff out there. There is no other medium. The Candy tour was really nuts. It’s a nonfiction book, pop culture subject... everyone loves candy so it’s like my sit-com. And now I’m back into short stories which are cool and I love them. If I don’t make myself go out of the house, I don’t, which is bad.

Nina: I think that’s good. I don’t go out of the house much.
Steve: I’m a very social person ultimately so when I write, I have to lock myself in a cage.

Nina: What would we find if we were in your apartment?
Steve: You’ll find a lot, A LOT of candy.

Nina: Even in your bedroom?
Steve: Everywhere. In the bedroom, in the kitchen, everywhere, kind of a design element. A lot of crazy stuff on the walls, the walls are covered with student evaluations, letters, photos. Cool furniture that is all brightly painted.

Nina: Like that rocking chair? There is a photo in the 3am interview.
Steve: Yeah, all my stuff looks like that because I really like it.

Nina: I like the bay window.
Steve: Oh yeah. There is a bay window in the bedroom and in the sunroom where I write. It’s very gorgeous. It’s on the first level of a house and it has rich cherry wood. Really beautiful. It’s a great apartment. That’s why I moved to Boston, because I saw that apartment. For a while, it was pretty cheap then they raised the rent on me but whatever. Big kitchen. Lousy bathroom though. That’s the only thing.

Nina: For one person, it doesn’t really matter.
Steve: (pause) I know, but I like a big bathtub.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the Steve Almond interview, and we might even give you some sex advice next week, too.

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

"My dick is rather large."

2005-03-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

We've answered all the letters in our mailbag, with the exception of the man who complained that his penis is too large. Please, please, don't make us publish his letter. We need new questions from you. You can use the confidential mailform or you can write to us at love@adviceweekly.com.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Yet Another Woman Who Flirts Shamelessly With Her Boss

2005-03-22T01:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’m a 29-year-old woman with three daughters and a 13-year-old marriage. I work at this place where my 33-year-old boss shamelessly flirts with me all the time and asks me out. He is married with an 8-month-old daughter. I believe he is honest with his feelings towards me but I cannot go out with him. I also do not want to scare him off forever because I am very attracted to him. Whenever he asks me out, I say to him that at this time I cannot talk to him or see him. I would like your advice. He is a complete gentleman and has always respected my feelings.

Signed,
You Do The Math

Dear You Do The Math,

Whoa, slow down there, little lady. Are you saying that when your girlfriends were hiring DJs for their sweet sixteen parties, you were sending out invites for your wedding? Holy shit. Smoldering inside you is a wild woman. You’re like Thelma before she meets Brad Pitt. And your boss wants to be Brad Pitt, the cowboy robber who guides Thelma through an erotic initiation, but he might actually be Harlan, the married gentleman who turns out to be a rapist. Louise shoots Harlan in the parking lot, launching the cinematic masterpiece known Thelma and Louise.

Our point being: you are no longer a sixteen year old bride. You have a lot more control over your life than you realize. Please step back and give this matter some more thought before you commit armed robbery, lock a policeman in his trunk, and drive your car off the edge of the Grand Canyon. Getting involved with your boss could turn your life upside down. Getting involved with your boss risks both your job and your marriage.

Okay. Now, suppose after a few introspective visits to a therapist where you deeply probe your feelings about your life, family, and career, you decide that you want to get involved with someone else. Your boss may seem like a desirable lust object because the workplace is your only outlet for emotional intimacy with men other than your husband. Trust us when we say that your boss isn’t the only person who finds you attractive. You can find yourself an unmarried man who doesn’t also sign your paychecks.

Or you can find yourself another job, and then meet your former boss for a late afternoon rendezvous in a motel. However, your boss do not sound to us like a "complete gentleman," even though he doesn’t force you to kneel under his desk for blowjob duty while he chats on the phone with his wife. Sure, he might surprise us by filing for divorce, buying you a big house, and sending his ex-wife a monthly check for child support. Or maybe he will keep you as a treasured mistress and always have a full reservoir of love and support to give you while you raise three daughters as a single mom. But there’s at least a 50% chance that he’ll fuck you and dump you.

And even that wouldn’t be the end of the world. In a way, you’d just be catching up on the experiences you missed by getting married so young. Turning thirty is the perfect occasion to come to terms with your sexual power as woman and plan the next phase of your very precious life.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Get Humiliated By Your Husband In A Good Way

2005-03-08T01:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

First of all, I love the site! Great job. My question is how can I get my husband to humiliate me without freaking him out? He spanks me, binds my wrists, he isn’t a prude in other words but making me stand in a corner for being ‘bad’? Or drinking and eating from a dog bowl, forced to sit at his feet and follow him around like a dog because I deserve nothing more…I’m so excited just thinking about it but bringing it up to him, I’m too shy! How can I make him think it is his idea?

Signed,
Miha

Dear Miha,

That you are too embarrassed to ask your husband to humiliate you is one of the great ironies of the human condition. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. But you need to own up to your desires. No one needs to validate them for you, and no one can discredit them either. This is a significant moment in your life because you have realized what you want in the bedroom and are ready to take the necessary steps towards your goal.

If your husband spanks you and ties you up, there’s a 62% chance that he’ll be interested in erotic humiliation and an 88% chance that he’ll want to try erotic role playing. But when he married you, he promised to "love, honor, and cherish you as my wife," not to "treat you like the worthless, servile dog that you are," so he might be afraid to bring it up for fear of offending you.

Light bondage and spanking are very commonly the introductory activities that inspire couples to explore the world of BDSM. What is BDSM? It’s an abbreviation that beautifully expands like peacock’s tail or an adjustable spreader bar to form three pairs of keywords:

Bondage and Discipline (emphasizes the activities)

Dominance and Submission (emphasizes the power dynamics)

Sadism and Masochism (emphasizes the sensations)

It sounds like your current fantasies are mostly structured around dominant and submissive roles in the bedroom, and usually there’s some overlap with the other areas, too. Pet/Owner is a classic role-playing scenario in the BDSM lifestyle. Learning more about BDSM will give you and your husband a safe space to explore your fantasies. You will learn how to talk about what you what, how to articulate your boundaries, and how to start and end a scene, so that you can comfortably resume your regular roles as equally empowered spouses after he has made your play fetch with a large rubber dildo.

We bring all of this up because BDSM gives you a context and an anchor for framing your desires, and it gives him a way to see where his own fantasies fit in to the picture. In other words, you’re not just saying, "I want you to treat me like a puppy dog," you're also saying, "Let’s look into this realm of alternative sexuality so that we can have fulfilling sex for the rest of our lives, fueled by our evolving desires and imagination."

Next weekend, after your husband unties you, why don’t you ask him if he’d like to go further with this kind of thing? And yes, for now you can be vague and say, "Would you like to go further with this kind of thing?" If he’s amenable, there are all sorts of options, depending on your personalities. If, like Rita, you are the kind of people who like to learn how to do things before you do them, then we recommend that you find a couple of guidebooks like Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and William Henkin and Sybil Holiday’s Consensual Sadomasochism. Plus, you can attend workshops in some large cities for hands-on training. Here is a workshop being held in San Francisco at Good Vibrations in June, and it sounds perfect for you:
Games People Play: Erotic Role-Play in the Bedroom
Bring the fun of fantasy play into the bedroom and invigorate your love life with role-play. Erotic adventurers Angela and Iain will show you a range of specific games and how to make them easy and hot. They’ll also talk about finding costumes, overcoming shyness, and working with your imagination. You’ll leave with several games to play, from mild to wild, and ways to make up many more of your own.

If you’re more like Nina, and prefer to extract your fantasies from hot fiction and sexy films, then you and your husband can underline sections from A.N. Roquelaure’s Sleeping Beauty series and Sara Adamson’s The Marketplace, and pick your favorite scenes from Secretary, starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. These days you can also find lots of role-playing fantasies described in the blogosphere, like Sarah B’s Submissive Reflections. You can send each other links to browse. Once you and your husband are on the same page, so to speak, your power of suggestion will be very, um, powerful.

Doesn’t this sound much more exciting than wishing your husband could read your mind? After all, getting someone to think it's their idea is actually harder than just owning up and being straightforward. If you’re determined to take the passive-aggressive, manipulative approach, the key is to drop hints but not the "wink wink nudge nudge" kind. Hints should be phrased using a rhetoric of selfishness so that it doesn’t seem like you want anything from him. For example, suppose you and your husband are sitting on a bench Saturday morning, waiting for your name to be called at your favorite brunch restaurant. You point towards a dog, a terrier mix, who is sniffing the bushes nearby. "I wonder what it would be like to be a dog," you say casually, as if you might be saying, “Let’s stop at the grocery store because we’re out of soy milk.”

"Sleeping all day, oh yeah, that would be a nice life," he says.

You pretend to think for a moment and then you say, "Yeah but what about the humiliating part of being a dog? You know, eating from a bowl on the floor." Pause thoughtfully, then continue, "It’s funny but I get this feeling that I might enjoy it. Having to sit and heel and follow you around all the time." Then chuckle softly, glance shyly at him with a small smile, while twirling a strand of your hair with your finger. If he's paying attention, he will have a confused look on his face. That’s your cue to announce, "I think I’ll go get the newspaper while we’re waiting." Leave him there alone to figure out what the hell just happened, and voila, a hint has been dropped like an All-Weather Global Positioning Precision-Guided Bomb.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

More Sex in Three Easy Steps

2005-02-21T20:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have known each other for 16 years. It all started about 7 years ago when the sex in our marriage started tapering off. Now it happens less than once a month. I thought a woman was supposed to reach her sexual prime in her forties. I don’t know why she doesn’t like sex. Maybe it’s me. Can you give me some advice on how to warm her up?

Signed,
Sexless Marriage

Dear Sexless Marriage,

Sex will usually taper off in a marriage or long-term monogamous relationship. Once every six weeks? Sounds like the average American marriage. A woman’s sexual appetite slips into dormancy for many reasons. Ask your wife to list the top three reasons why she’s not interested in having (more) sex. This will be a delicate conversation, so let her think about it a while, or perhaps give her a few days to write out a proper list.

Suppose the top thing on her list is that she’s too tired or stressed from work. Even though you are also tired and stressed from work, it’s different because most woman aren’t raised to think of sex as a stress-relieving activity. Your solution is to perfect your pussy-licking techniques so that you can get her off for real and she doesn’t have to fake an orgasm just to get you to stop. And then, let her fall asleep. Don’t ask for any kind of reciprocation, and for god’s sake, don’t fuck her unless she’s begging you. Act like you don’t expect ANYTHING in return. After about two months, her conscience will probably kick in and she’s start taking care of your needs. Even then, you should still let her fall asleep without reciprocation sometimes.

Maybe the next thing on her list is that she doesn’t feel sexy anymore. It’s hard to feel sexy in a culture that worships 18-year-olds. Your solution is to spend the next decade persuading her that forty-something women are the sexiest creatures alive. Rent Calendar Girls. And then, in 2015, your mission in life will be to persuade your wife that fifty-year-old women are god’s gift to Earth. You must not waver from this mission. Ever.

Whatever is next on her list, your solution is going to be a soft sex toy with bunny ears that fits around your penis. (Use lube to slide it down the shaft.) Invite your wife to climb on top of you and sit there for about two hours. Let her relax and enjoy the slow waves of pleasure. Don’t pump unless she tells you. The bunny ears toy is like a cockring version of that ring in Lord of the Rings. She will wake up thinking about it with longing, wondering when she can be close to it again. She will face the sweetly humiliating realization that she will do anything for another ride on the bunny ears. And then—evil laugh—she will be yours.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How To Be The Other Woman

2005-01-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am currently getting very close with my superior but I know he has a girlfriend and is maintaining a long distance relationship with her for about four years now. The problem is he always flirts with me through messages and asks me out all the time and always insists on paying when we go out. Although he has never made any advances on me, he has always been very suggestive in his messages to me. Sometimes he treats me like a friend and sometimes he flirts with me shamelessly but every time I ask about his girlfriend he will conveniently change the topic unless I insist he answers my questions, which I rarely do. I don’t know what to make of this. I am stuck in between treating him like a close friend or something more than that. I feel bad about flirting with him, although we both enjoy it, but I do not want to hurt his girlfriend in any way. I am 20 years old. Please tell me what to do and whether I am doing something wrong.

Signed,
Almost The Other Woman

Dear Almost The Other Woman,

If you are a 20-year-old who likes to play with power, flirting with your boss is gonna be like heroin for you. It’s almost as thrilling and addictive as flirting with your professor, or flirting with the 42nd president of the United States. Flirting is neither right nor wrong. Flirting makes us feel good about ourselves, and everyone needs a little attention sometimes, especially your superior, who gets laid once a month because his girlfriend lives halfway across the country.

Deep inside, everyone has a flirt-ometer, which gauges whether they feel good or bad about a flirtatious encounter. Your flirt-ometer readout is a blurry mixture of good and bad feelings. The good feelings are the result of feeling sexy, desirable, and clever. And what about the bad feelings? A few possibilities. Perhaps you are putting yourself in his girlfriend’s shoes, and don’t like to imagine your boyfriend flirting with another woman. Or, maybe you feel uncomfortable about the power dynamic with your boss. If you suspect that you’d lose your job if you don’t flirt with him, then you’ve got a nice sexual harassment case on your hands. Another possible reason for your discomfort is that you are repressing your desire to sleep with your boss because you can’t bear to think of yourself as the kind of woman who would lead a man to cheat on his girlfriend. Or, maybe you feel nervous about the risk of ruining your work environment if things go sour.

To figure out your feelings, you need to ask yourself what you want from your boss. You don’t need to wait until he makes a pass at you. It’s fine to say, "I’ve wondered whether you are looking to be friends or more than friends. I’ve done some thinking about this myself, and I decided that I want to be friends." He’ll be so impressed with your leadership and initiative that he’ll give you a promotion and a raise.

If you decide to stick with the status quo, your flirtatious lunches will continue to satisfy your mutual needs for playful stimulation until one of you loses interest or changes jobs. If you decide that you want to have an affair, your boss may rebuff you at first, but don’t worry: one night he will get drunk and call you. If he really wanted to be "just friends," he wouldn’t send you suggestive emails, and he wouldn’t evade your questions about his girlfriend. After all, "friends" can have candid discussions about their relationships.

You’re only twenty, and this means that when the affair gets messy, and it will, you can write it off as a youthful mistake. Sometimes we have to do stupid, dangerous things in order to figure out who we are. Sometimes we have to do foolish things in order to learn a lesson or two about life. However, before you seduce him, you need to weigh at least two possible consequences.

First, you claim to be concerned about hurting his girlfriend. Unless they have an open relationship, there’s no way you can have an affair without hurting his girlfriend. So you need to figure out how you feel about being that kind of person. It’s not equivalent to invading a sovereign nation and killing thousands of innocent civilians, but it’s definitely more hurtful than harmless flirting.

Second, you need to weigh how important this job is to you. Regardless of what happens between him and his girlfriend, an interoffice affair can have consequences for your work environment. People in your office will gossip, and you may find yourself in an awkward situation if the affair ends badly. Some youthful mistakes have a way of ruining your professional reputation. On the other hand, if you play your cards right, you can use your boss as a stepping stone to success and power. Nina never dates her coworkers, except that one guy. Rita always dates her coworkers and that’s why she loves the sex industry.

A note to our readers: if you do nothing else today, you must read the most important paragraph ever written about S/M and self-acceptance.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend

2005-01-24T19:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

Thanks for answering my letter on January 10th. I'm heeding your advice and writing to tell you more about my relationship. Dunno why I sent that mail to you, must have been going through some shit at the time. I love my girlfriend a lot and most of the times I really wouldn't want to cheat on her because our relationship, although at times can be sour, but could also be very fun at other times.

We're not having sex anymore, I guess this is the reason for such bizarre cravings.

You mentioned that I’m afraid of being single, problem is I'm not, more like the other way around and she really doesn't want to let me go, even threatens me stuff you don't want to know (if I were to leave her).

Our arguments can get pretty ugly (thus the threats) and these bad times are what drains me and make me want to be single again, but I just can't. After the arguments, screamings and cursings when we somehow calm things down with either empty promises or insincere apologies, all is well and we're fun again in a couple of days.

I don't really want to continue being a hypocrite to her but she just doesn't let me. And when we're ok, the feeling of leaving her lessens a bit and I don't get the feeling again until our next big argument—mind you, we have a lot of big arguments.

So how do I get myself out of this rut? If you ask me upfront, I'd say I'm not really in love with her anymore like I used to be, I want to break it off but she's just not letting me go. We've been together three years, she's already leaning towards marriage and because of all this—being not entirely happy for the past three years—I'm not quite on the same page as her…

Signed,
The Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as Confusingly Horny

Dear Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as "Confusingly Horny,"

We’re glad you wrote back. We weren't very nice to you the first time around, and we felt bad. Writing back to us indicates that you really are in trouble. After all, we made fun of you, used sarcasm to try to make you feel inferior, and questioned your integral goodness as a human being. And yet…you came crawling back for more.

That’s probably what you do in your relationship, too. And that’s why you’re stuck in an admittedly sour relationship. Some men and women prefer to get into relationships with mean, violent people. Hell, for some of us, nothing says “I Love You” like a slap in the face and a don’t-fuck-with-me glare. But, from your description, it sounds like you are unhappy, scared, and stuck.

We hate to admit it, but relationships are about communication. When your girlfriend screams and threatens you, she is trying to communicate. What she’s saying is that she’s afraid, afraid of many things, but especially afraid of losing you. She has learned that threatening you is the only way she can make you stay with her, and you stay only out of a sense of ambivalent duty and fear. In domestic violence cases, such threat and fear cycles are common. Read some of the stuff on this page and see what you think.

In the meantime, it’s obvious to everyone reading this column that you should get out of the relationship. Sure, relationships are hard work, but not that hard. Please believe us when we say there’s something better for you out there.

It’s very difficult to get out of a codependent, possibly abusive relationship. You can start here. Many years ago, Rita attended a 12-step program called Codependents Anonymous, which helped a lot. Enlist the help of family, friends, and a support group or online community of men who have been through this process. You may think no one wants to know about the depths of your relationship troubles, but you’ve got to start talking about what’s going on. At the very least, you need a plan to protect yourself if your girlfriend threatens to blackmail, stalk, or hurt you when you leave, as well as a therapist or other counseling service to help you if your girlfriend threatens to hurt herself.

Last time you wrote to us, we accused you of being selfish, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue. In fact, we insist that you be selfish and take care of yourself. Your original question was about cheating, and it’s not unusual for someone to look outside a monogamous relationship for sexual fulfillment when his or her basic needs are not being met in the relationship. But in your case, the lack of sexual intimacy is a symptom of larger problems that won’t go away even if you start having sex with another girl.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How To Shoot Like a Porn Star

2005-01-18T01:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

Glad I found your site, hope you can help. This may sound strange, but I’m sure you’ve heard stranger so here goes…I have a cum fetish, plain and simple. Nothing turns me on more than when my partner’s orgasms have significant volume. I guess to me, it’s a sign that I’m really getting him off, which in turn gets me off. My problem is my current partner does not produce much ejaculate. It’s more or less just a dribble. When I ask, he claims he’s really turned on and getting off. But to me it’s not the same. I realize everyone’s physical makeup is different, but I’d love nothing better than for him to really unload on me. Is there anything we can do nutritionally or physically to “pump up the volume” so he shoots like a porn star? By the way, you girls rock!!!

Signed,
Want My Money Shot

Dear Want My Money Shot,

For this question, we decided to pull a "Dan Savage," so we sent our undercover operative to schmooze with porn stars at the AVN Expo in Las Vegas.

Our Las Vegas op reported, I talked to a couple of porn guys at the show, and one told me that the only way he manages to increase the volume is to go for a while without ejaculating.” How long is "a while?" He refrains from spilling his seed for three or four days.

There’s more: "Another porn guy says that he eats starchy foods the day before a shoot, and that does the trick for him." This is bad news for guys on low-carb diets. If you’ve forgotten what starchy foods are, we’re talking about bread, potatoes, cereals, rice and pasta.

A couple of guys at the Anabolic booth revealed that they consume lecithin supplements to increase their loads. You can buy lecithin at the health food store. Lecithin is found in sperm, so you can also harvest your own. Oh no, we’re just kidding. Or maybe we’re not.

Who are these "porn guys?" If you know your porn, then you’ve heard of Peter North and he’s not a "porn guy," he’s a porn god. His secret is "celery, lots of raw celery."

You may also want to try prostate stimulation. Put on a latex glove (or a vinyl surgical glove if you’re allergic to latex), lube up with a thick water-based lube, and slide a finger into your boyfriend’s butt while you are giving him a blowjob. Wiggle your finger upward and forward, almost in a “come here” motion. The prostate feels kind of spongy. It’s also known as the male g-spot, and if your boyfriend is comfortable, relaxed and enjoying himself, he can have incredibly intense, loud orgasms with increased ejaculation. Plus, when he cums, you’ll feel his contractions on your finger, an intensely erotic sensation.

Because we are creative, crafty girls, we're also thinking that you and your boyfriend could make some homemade porn with a digital camera and a bottle of hand lotion. Your boyfriend can squirt the lotion all over your face, and take pictures, and then you and he can look at the pictures while you’re fooling around. Or you can look at the pictures when you masturbate. Or you can send them to us.

All this talk about sperm makes us want to celebrate the fact that every man’s semen has its own unique consistency. Sometimes it’s fluid and slippery, sometimes it’s gooey and sticky, and sometimes it’s so compacted it feels like tiny bullets shooting into your mouth.

The quantity of cum a man produces has nothing to do with whether or not he is turned on and enjoying himself. Still, what’s at the heart of your question, Want My Money Shot, is how we sometimes need our lovers to give us tangible evidence that we’re great in bed. It’s like how when you’re with a woman who is multi-orgasmic, you feel like you’ve got the Midas touch. So, we turn to our readers and ask: what’s your telltale sign of mind-blowing sex? A huge load of cum? Moving the bed three feet across the floor? Neighbors knocking on the walls when you climax? Tell us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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Someone Who Will Always Be Around When You're Feeling Horny, Yeah Right

2005-01-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm a 29-year-old man with a girlfriend but our relationship has been getting kinda sour lately and I've resorted to getting chummy with other girls, yet still maintaining my current girlfriend (don't ask why I’m not leaving her). Also we’ve stopped having sex for a good six months I think.

Well, to cut things short, I'm looking for a fuck-buddy. Just someone who'd call me when she’s horny and will always be around when I’m feeling horny.

I got to know this girl who tells me she has an affair with a married man and also has a friend who she fucks once in a while, but not attached. Bottom line, she’s single.

I've known her for less than two weeks but she's shared a lot of information with me that I think normal people wouldn’t share with strangers they've just met—so I’m just a bit confused on whether she just wants to be good friends or am I potentially another fuck-buddy for her? Which is actually what I do want!

Any tips on subtle hints I could use or signals that I can look out for to indicate that she is interested in taking it 'down that road'?

Signed,
Confusingly Horny

Dear Confusingly Horny,

Yeah, you do sound confused. Let’s clarify a few things. In monogamous relationships, seeing other women is called “cheating on your girlfriend.” Only people who are single, or in open relationships, can refer to their lovers as “fuck buddies.”

So, you want to cheat on your girlfriend, and you’ve narrowed your search to a certain special someone. It doesn’t really matter whether this girl wants to be friends or lovers, does it? After all, if you’re not taking care of your girlfriend’s needs, you certainly don’t need to worry about some other girl’s needs. Your biggest concerns ought to be avoiding rejection and not getting caught.

Assuming you are reasonably attractive with good hygiene, we think you’ll probably be able to score at least once with this girl. The only glitch we foresee is that she may be sharing her secrets with you because she needs a guy who will listen without being judgmental, without advancing his own hidden agenda. If so, she will be disappointed when you make a pass at her. And yet, she still might sleep with you if, when you hit on her, you reveal your integral goodness as a human being. For example, say something to this effect, “Gee, I would like to have something like that,” or the more direct route, “Is this a possibility between us?” After a few minor negotiations, you’ll be successfully cheating on your girlfriend.

In movies, people who have affairs sometimes get murdered by their jealous spouses, but in real life the biggest danger is that you’ll get caught, and someone’s heart will get broken. You seem to think that your girlfriend will be less hurt by cheating than by breaking up. We don’t know if this is true, because you’re keeping us in the dark about so many things, but we think it’s kinda unfair to keep your girlfriend tied to an admittedly sour relationship while you’re off getting laid. Maybe you should try again by writing another letter, this time asking for advice about your girlfriend. Are you afraid of being single? Don’t worry, being single has its advantages, not the least of which is that you’ll receive full membership in the fuck buddy club.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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Pay-As-You-Go Threesomes

2004-12-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I've recently discovered my girlfriend is very curious about the idea of a threesome between ourselves and another woman. I've actually had a threesome before, with a former girlfriend and her best friend, but unfortunately this time my current girlfriend doesn’t have any such accommodating friends. So the question is, how do we go about finding someone with whom to indulge in our little fantasy? Neither one of us really thinks personals, online or otherwise, really work, and frankly we'd like to meet someone the old-fashioned way…in person. But couples don't usually go hitting on single women in bars…or do they? What exactly is the modern protocol for this sort of thing? We thoroughly enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Signed,
The Infamous Threesome

Dear Infamous Threesome,

Welcome to our new home at adviceweekly.com. Surely the threesome question is the most popular inquiry circulating among the sex blogs. We propose a pay-it-forward plan: all single women should annually participate in a threesome with two different couples. Later, when she’s coupled up and looking for a threesome, she can reap the sweet rewards of this karmic contract.

If you prefer a pay-as-you-go plan, here are a few options. Although you say your girlfriend does not have any accommodating friends, you need to start thinking like an Amway salesman who enlists all his acquaintances and coworkers in a direct marketing pyramid. Every encounter builds a network of people who may introduce you to a woman who will have sex with you and your girlfriend.

Let’s start with the people you know. Most guys who are semi-attractive have a slightly less attractive female friend in love with them. No? Okay, how about your ex-girlfriend? Hell, how about your ex-girlfriend’s best friend? Keep your eyes and ears alert to the signals emitted by horny, open-minded single women. Remember, she might not flirt with you because she knows you have a girlfriend, but observe how she behaves around other men and women at the party.

Believe it or not, it is entirely acceptable for anyone, including couples, to hit on single women in bars. That’s what they’re there for. As long as you and your girlfriend can laugh at yourselves and comfort each other in the face of rejection, you’ll eventually score. We guarantee it. The drunker girls will be easier.

If your girlfriend is used to having men hit on her, she may need to develop a more aggressive approach. For example, she should try walking up to a woman and whispering in her ear, “I like watching you dance” or “you’re so beautiful,” while gently touching the woman’s shoulder, hair, or cheek. If things warm up, you can join them, kiss your girlfriend, introduce yourself to the woman, and buy a round of drinks. There are many variations to this approach, initiated by either you or your girlfriend, so try to choreograph a few playful, collaborative pickup routines that draw from the strengths of your personalities.

Although we agree that there’s nothing like an old-fashioned, across-the-room seduction, we have found that online personals work well for couples seeking threesomes, especially sites like adultfriendfinder.com and lavalife.com, which allow you to specify the type of arrangement you seek. Many online couples have invited Nina to play with them. Sometimes she indulges, sometimes she politely declines. It helps if you include a photo. It also helps if both of you can write coherently about yourselves and explain why you’re interested in this particular woman. Make her feel like she’s the only one you’re pursuing, and be open to accommodating her fantasies in return.

It’s true that some people advertise online without any intention of a face-to-face. After a few rounds of correspondence, invite her to dinner at a nice restaurant. If she declines because “she’s not ready,” move on. If she accepts, be prepared to travel to another state for your rendezvous. Rita and her lover seduced a tall nurse in Maine, and a shy roller-coaster fanatic in Louisiana.

Have you considered seeing a professional? If you’re on a budget, $100 should get you a few kitty-nuzzling lap dances from a hot lesbian stripper, but don’t assume she’ll come home with you. If you have approximately $700 in discretionary income, you can find a pretty, bisexual call-girl in almost any American city. Her website should give you a sense of what to expect, and she will describe the correct protocol for arranging an appointment. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to discover a courtesan renaissance, that is, the return of well-educated, articulate, sensual women who provide companionship for men, women, and couples. Our favorites in the blogosphere include Olympia, Alexa, and Belle. Tell them Nina and Rita at adviceweekly.com sent you!

Do you want to know more about Nina and Rita? Visit our new Nina and Rita pages, where we share a few highlights of our lives, and our favorite sexy books. Like lovers, we will gradually reveal more about ourselves.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Vanilla to Kinky in 60 Seconds

2004-12-20T20:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm deep in lust for this good friend of mine. We're casually dating for now and I think the relationship may be taking off, but here's my problem: he seems like such an innocent. I know he's not overly innocent, as he was dating his last ex for about four years (she was his first), but I'm the exact opposite. It’s not a very well kept secret that I’m a wee bit of a kinky girl. Also, I have a bit of a reputation of being a tad bit slutty. I think I scare him off a bit when I bring kinky aspects of myself to light. I've been very tame in what I've told him about past sexual experiences, but I can't be vanilla forever! How can I bring the kinkiness into our relationship without scaring him off, or having him think I've slept with half the planet to learn these tricks?

Signed,
19-year-old Kinky Girl in Hiding

Dear Kinky Girl in Hiding,

We want to make sure you realize that being a kinky, open-minded 19-year-old girl with good communication skills will open many doors for you during the next five to ten years. There are thousands, if not millions, of attractive, slightly older men and women who want to take you to expensive restaurants, give you presents, and indulge all your kinky fantasies. Obviously, if you really, really like this guy, you should try to make it work, but we want to make sure you understand that you are valuable. In the Stock Market for Lovers, you are mid-1990’s Microsoft.

Has it occurred to you that the guy you’re dating is interested in you because of your reputation as a sex-positive partner? If he’s your age, he’s been in a relationship with the same girl since he was fifteen years old, so he’s probably eager to try new things with new people. But he may seem shy and hesitant because he’s emerging from a comfortable zone of slow-paced sexual exploration with his ex. He may be overwhelmed, not threatened, by your interest in kinky sex. If he’s 19 years old and he’s only been with one other girl, then vanilla sex—old-fashioned sucking and fucking—is probably incredibly thrilling and completely satisfying for him.

Think of it this way: he’s a painter who had access to only yellow paint for four years. You surprised him when you gave him tubes of red and blue. While he mixes these and discovers orange, purple, and green, you may be feeling impatient because you already paint with a more sophisticated palette of colors, plus you’ve got other materials like clay, chalk, and cat-o-nine whips in your dungeon.

Don’t worry. Persuading a vanilla guy to get kinky in bed is not so difficult, but it requires more action and less talk. Start with vanilla foreplay. When he’s visibly excited, tell him that you want him to tie you up/go over your knee for a light spanking/call you bad naughty names, or whatever. Pick one simple, safe activity to try. Stay cool, and check in with him once or twice during the activity (i.e. are you okay?) Then, when the moment presents itself, transition to a familiar vanilla activity. Afterwards, ask him if that was fun. He may or may not have the maturity to describe the nuances of his feelings. If he expresses lots of discomfort or negativity even though he was turned on, he’s not ready to be the sex-positive partner that you deserve. On the other hand, if he’s amenable or impartial, and you’re patient, you may be able to bring him into your world, and eventually you’ll have the pleasure of learning the small subtle gestures that open the doors to his own kinky fantasies. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that he's interested in you because he wants to know more about his kinky side.

It’s hard to know who’s got a kinky side because of the weird way that Americans are required to dislocate our sexual lives. Many people keep their desires hidden from their friends and partners because they’re afraid that even the most innocent fantasy could be freaky. For example, Rita dated a guy for a year, spent sizable portions of her paychecks on sexy black lace lingerie, and then one day she discovered that he’s got a serious fetish for white cotton panties. Why the hell didn’t he tell her sooner? Because he was afraid of rejection. Rejection is a painful ego-bruising experience, but in the end, cotton panties are more comfortable.

If your guy can't give you what you really want in a relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. You should not change or hide who you are. If you’re trying to hold on to a guy who doesn’t like experienced girls, then you’re with the wrong guy. You should be with a guy like Jack Murnighan, who writes, “I, personally, would have all my lovers be old pros. I want them in permanent communion with skin and response; I want them to have the laid-back confidence that old jazz musicians have, and I want us to be able to improvise, to roll with each other’s changes, to work in each other’s beat, jive with the melody, stay in key.”

Mr. Murnighan, if we’ve infringed upon your copyrights, please, oh please, let us know, sir. We’re soooo sorry. We’ll do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to show how sorry we are. You should punish us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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How to Bed Someone Else's Wife

2004-12-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Nina and Rita,

My question is how do I persuade a married woman to have sex with me?

Signed,
I Voted for Bush

Dear Voted for Bush,

Congratulations, joker. Your letter made it to the top of the pile this week because you rubbed our noses in it, and there’s nothing we love more than getting our noses rubbed.

We suggest that you seduce a Republican’s wife because she is more likely to share your moral values about marriage, family, and sex. Keep away from the liberal wives because they often feel an ethical obligation to uphold their marriage vows.

We have a couple of ideas, but no guarantees:

Use the church as a cover for all illicit activities. This Sunday, sit in her pew and tell her how pretty she looks. Next Sunday, same thing. If she’s wearing a green dress, tell her it’s your favorite color. Pay attention to her nonverbal response: if you notice she starts wearing more green to church, you can make your move without fear of rejection.

Get chummy with her husband so that you can gain access to their house without raising suspicion.

Arrange to make a large donation to the right wing charity that she represents. Deliver the check in person when her husband is at work and the kids are at school.

While she is writing a receipt for your tax records, stand behind her and brush the hair away from her neck. Kiss her neck gently.

If your evil adulterous plan succeeds, there will be consequences. You red-staters always forget about the consequences. You may get caught. She may fall in love, leave her husband, and hold you, not some gay guy in San Francisco, responsible for the corrosion of her family values.

Do you like our new pictures?

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

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