posted and copyrighted September 12, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

If your girlfriend begins giving you a blow-job that you did not explicitly request and you have a can of cold beer within arm's reach, is it OK to have a few sips of beer while she is "working" on you?

Signed,
Am I a Jerk

Dear Am I a Jerk,

This is the best question we've received so far. If we had Nina and Rita merchandise, you'd be the first to receive a free t-shirt.

In the movie The Sweetest Thing, Cameron Diaz fantasizes about eating ice cream while her date goes down on her. Like Diaz, you are seeking a multisensorial experience, and it makes perfect sense that you want to mix your favorite pleasures. Some people listen to music during sex for aural pleasure, and some people watch porn during sex for added visual pleasure. Some people like to sniff each other's armpits. For some folks, getting into the 69 position is fulfilling precisely because it satiates each of their five senses. Or ten, if you figure two people, five senses each. (Fifteen for a threesome.)

None of these applied mathematics explain why it's generally considered socially unacceptable to scratch your itchy nose while receiving oral sex. The logic is that somehow you should be so ecstatically enthralled with the sexual sensations and consumed with passion that you don't notice anything else. Taking a sip of beer may send an unintended message to your girlfriend that you're bored or not feeling the appropriate gratitude for the unsolicited blowjob. Your girlfriend might want you to enjoy yourself in every way possible, or she might want you to focus on her technique and how beautiful she is. One way to avoid sending the wrong message is to turn the encounter into an occasion for dirty talk along the lines of "Honey that feels so good, you are so hot, so fucking hot, whoa I need a sip of beer to cool me down."

Because we live in a society where many of our actions have symbolic cultural meanings from which we can't escape, there's no denying that drinking beer while receiving a blowjob is charged with uneven power dynamics. Non-alcoholic versions of your scenario are fairly common between dominants and submissives who practice BDSM. Your scenario also hints at the prostitute/john dynamic, further evidenced by your use of the phrase "while she is working on you." Couples unconsciously enact these dynamics all the time. Think about it. Why is she giving you an unsolicited blowjob? Because she wants you to take her shopping. Why are you pimping it up with the beer can? Cuz you're the daddy.

However, when couples consciously enact these forbidden dynamics, it's called "role-playing." Consensual role-playing is a safe, inexpensive way to behave offensively and do things that might get you in trouble in real life. If you really want to have some fun, you and your girlfriend should negotiate the terms of your fantasy. If she's not eager to play your submissive sex slave, see if she's up for a trade. Maybe she's got a chocolate ice cream and cunnilingus fantasy of her own.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita