posted and copyrighted June 3, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

im lost, help me!!!!
my bf thinks that im not a virgin
which really is my fault
but we've been going together for about 6 months already
and i cant tell him da truth now
he'll think i am a real big ass
he presuring for sex and
i am running out of excuses
what should i do?
to be honest i want my first time to b with him
but how am i going to mask the fact that i'm still a virgin and make it like i've had PLENTY experiance?
HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Sincerely,
Still a Virgin

Dear Still a Virgin,

There is an ethical issue at stake here about whether or not to tell the truth, and it's difficult to answer because virginity has different socio-political and personal implications for men and women in different age groups. But it comes down to this: if you tell him the truth, your boyfriend might respond positively to your disclosure because he'll be relieved that you can't compare him to anyone else.

Having said that, we recognize that you're not asking us whether or not you should tell the truth. You are asking how to pass as an experienced lover, and we've got some excellent advice for you.

1. Provide your own condoms.
2. Say: "This is my favorite kind of condom."
3. Put the condom on with your mouth.

That should be sufficient to deceive him. Through the use of grammatical presuppositions, our script will imply that you've done this before. We could offer more, but we don't want you trying to remember our long list of tricks when you should be enjoying yourself. Yes, that's right, relax and enjoy yourself!

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita