posted and copyrighted October 31, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I believe that almost everyone has fantasies about sex, whether it is exotic places or maybe public places, or perhaps we have fantasies about different partners or different kinds of sex. I have these fantasies, too, but have been hesitant to act upon them. If two adults are willing partners to a fantasy and no one is hurt in the process, are there still limits on what you act out? I am wondering if there might be some long-term effects on your personality or your psyche, even if these acts are done between consenting adults. What is your opinion and/or experience either personally or through your advice column?

Signed,
Frankie

Dear Frankie,

We usually refrain from telling stories about ourselves, but you are the first to request that we speak about our personal experiences. Here is a story: in college, one of your sex advice columnists fantasized about group sex orgies. However, this fantasy was not actualized because her lover discouraged her by saying, “That story you’re reading by Carol Queen is fiction. People don’t actually do that.” Fortunately, your sex advice columnist later discovered that people do do that, and she did do that with a few consenting adults.

Did the actualization of her fantasy change her? Absolutely. Acting out a fantasy gives you spiritual grounding and deeper self-awareness, because you nourish your soul by feeding your erotic desires. Those men and women who seem particularly magnetic and attractive, not necessarily because of their looks but because of their confidence, are usually people who have lived out their fantasies. The fulfillment of an elaborate fantasy should be treated like any other professional, personal, or academic accomplishment. In other words, securing an important job interview is on par with finally acting out the over-the-knee secretary spanking fantasy.

We want you to trust our sex advice, so we’re going to be honest with you, Frankie. There are a few not so good effects of acting out your fantasies. The biggest problem is that having a group sex orgy with all your friends was so damn hot that you want it again and again. This can be tortuous, because the initial fantasy probably required extensive negotiation, precise timing, and tons of luck to make it happen in the first place. If you can’t make it happen again, you end up feeling obsessed and defeated. The other problem is that after you’ve acted on a fantasy, it becomes reality. How do you reconcile the reality where secretaries always want to be spanked against the reality where administrative assistants will rightly sue for harassment? For some reason, such dissimilar realities can make you feel like crap for a long time.

Still, if you have a willing long-term partner or a lot of willing short-term partners, you can recreate the same fantasy every Friday night (or a variation on other days of the week). There are no limits to what you can act out with a consenting partner, but it’s a good idea to negotiate your expectations beforehand. While nothing is better than getting crazy drunk and falling into a group sex orgy with your friends, you’ll lose fewer friends in the long run if you hang out with a group of swingers who have soberly agreed upon a set of limits and behavioral guidelines.

A final thought about limits. We strongly recommend that you establish “safe words,” words or phrases such as red light or Vivaldi that aren’t typically uttered during sex. Their purpose is to alert your partner when you’ve reached a limit. You can set up a simple code so that yellow means slow down, and red light means please stop now. And Vivaldi? Wouldn't you like to know.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita