posted and copyrighted July 3, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I have observed (myself and others) that men tend to treat new contacts with women as potential mates/sex partners first, before considering platonic friendship. Okay, we're glandular, that's the way it is. However, I'm very happily married and not interested in doing anything stupid to ruin that. So why do *I* keep doing it? I mean, I'm not going to act on these thoughts and impulses, but it's all I can think about. In the environment in which I find myself, I'm interacting regularly with several attractive young women, and I find myself flirting. A lot. And it bothers me, later, when I reflect on the events of the day.

Sorry, was there a question here?

I guess the question is, do you have any suggestions for how I can remain faithful *in mind* as well as in body? Does that make sense?

Thanks.

Signed,
A. Fan

Dear A. Fan,

Just because you used to spend one hour thinking about reading, one hour thinking about math, and one hour thinking about spelling, does not mean you can control your mind's impulses. Living in the consumer culture of late capitalism, your world is overloaded with external stimuli and subconscious desires. Even if you were able to dam your unwanted thoughts, they would find other ways to slip out, bubbling up in your dreams, unexpectedly aggressive behaviors, and embarrassing Freudian slips. It's only the consumer culture of late capitalism that makes you believe you can drag your unwanted thoughts to the trash icon like so many deleted files.

So let's think about this another way: maybe your salacious thoughts are a positive, integral part of who you are. If so, what functional purpose might these thoughts serve in your life?

Before we offer some answers to that question, we must point out that you are not just using your mind--you are also using your body. That is, you are flirting. A lot. It's much easier to stop flirting with your coworker than it is to stop fantasizing about her kneeling under your desk. If you want to stop flirting, you have to cut back on the playful teasing, sexy sarcasm, and innocent yet knowing looks, not to mention the friendly way you touch her arm when she's laughing. Cut back on the flirting and you're still back where you started, thinking dirty thoughts.

Either way, you're going to have to figure out which of your psychological, emotional, and physical needs are fulfilled when you flirt with and fantasize about your attractive young female friends. Here are some possibilities to get you started:

1. The need for stimulation. Work is boring. Flirting is fun.

2. The need for attention and self-esteem boosts. Who doesn't want to be wanted?

3. The need for an authentic and dangerous yet benign provocation. It reminds you you're alive.

4. The need for social skills. We're not sure how to behave around attractive young women, either.

5. The need for small doses of emotional and sexual intimacy outside your marriage. Perfectly normal.

What it comes down to, A. Fan, is this: if you really want to stop, you'll have to find other ways to meet these needs.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita