posted and copyrighted January 24, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

Thanks for answering my letter on January 10th. I'm heeding your advice and writing to tell you more about my relationship. Dunno why I sent that mail to you, must have been going through some shit at the time. I love my girlfriend a lot and most of the times I really wouldn't want to cheat on her because our relationship, although at times can be sour, but could also be very fun at other times.

We're not having sex anymore, I guess this is the reason for such bizarre cravings.

You mentioned that I’m afraid of being single, problem is I'm not, more like the other way around and she really doesn't want to let me go, even threatens me stuff you don't want to know (if I were to leave her).

Our arguments can get pretty ugly (thus the threats) and these bad times are what drains me and make me want to be single again, but I just can't. After the arguments, screamings and cursings when we somehow calm things down with either empty promises or insincere apologies, all is well and we're fun again in a couple of days.

I don't really want to continue being a hypocrite to her but she just doesn't let me. And when we're ok, the feeling of leaving her lessens a bit and I don't get the feeling again until our next big argument—mind you, we have a lot of big arguments.

So how do I get myself out of this rut? If you ask me upfront, I'd say I'm not really in love with her anymore like I used to be, I want to break it off but she's just not letting me go. We've been together three years, she's already leaning towards marriage and because of all this—being not entirely happy for the past three years—I'm not quite on the same page as her…

Signed,
The Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as Confusingly Horny

Dear Codependent Boyfriend Formerly Known as "Confusingly Horny,"

We’re glad you wrote back. We weren't very nice to you the first time around, and we felt bad. Writing back to us indicates that you really are in trouble. After all, we made fun of you, used sarcasm to try to make you feel inferior, and questioned your integral goodness as a human being. And yet…you came crawling back for more.

That’s probably what you do in your relationship, too. And that’s why you’re stuck in an admittedly sour relationship. Some men and women prefer to get into relationships with mean, violent people. Hell, for some of us, nothing says “I Love You” like a slap in the face and a don’t-fuck-with-me glare. But, from your description, it sounds like you are unhappy, scared, and stuck.

We hate to admit it, but relationships are about communication. When your girlfriend screams and threatens you, she is trying to communicate. What she’s saying is that she’s afraid, afraid of many things, but especially afraid of losing you. She has learned that threatening you is the only way she can make you stay with her, and you stay only out of a sense of ambivalent duty and fear. In domestic violence cases, such threat and fear cycles are common. Read some of the stuff on this page and see what you think.

In the meantime, it’s obvious to everyone reading this column that you should get out of the relationship. Sure, relationships are hard work, but not that hard. Please believe us when we say there’s something better for you out there.

It’s very difficult to get out of a codependent, possibly abusive relationship. You can start here. Many years ago, Rita attended a 12-step program called Codependents Anonymous, which helped a lot. Enlist the help of family, friends, and a support group or online community of men who have been through this process. You may think no one wants to know about the depths of your relationship troubles, but you’ve got to start talking about what’s going on. At the very least, you need a plan to protect yourself if your girlfriend threatens to blackmail, stalk, or hurt you when you leave, as well as a therapist or other counseling service to help you if your girlfriend threatens to hurt herself.

Last time you wrote to us, we accused you of being selfish, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue. In fact, we insist that you be selfish and take care of yourself. Your original question was about cheating, and it’s not unusual for someone to look outside a monogamous relationship for sexual fulfillment when his or her basic needs are not being met in the relationship. But in your case, the lack of sexual intimacy is a symptom of larger problems that won’t go away even if you start having sex with another girl.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita