posted and copyrighted September 27, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I have been "friends with privileges" with a very attractive woman for a few years now. Recently, she started insisting that I talk dirty to her during our get-togethers. I wouldn't have any problem with that, except that she wants me to talk dirty in my native language. While spewing obscenities in English is no big deal, talking dirty in my mother's tongue feels just plain wrong and repulsive, for some reason.

But, finally, I relented. Well, sort of. See, the more she insisted, the more annoyed I became. In the end, I decided to please her, but kept saying things she would be none too pleased to find the real meaning of. While it did the trick for her (she came fast and furious, like never before), and while it felt good to get back at her for being so inconsiderate when I first said no (she threatened to downgrade me to "friend w/o privileges"), I think I am in big trouble now. She wants to know what exactly I am saying when I talk dirty to her in a foreign language. There's no way I am translating "cum for daddy you fatass bitch" for real. She's put on a few pounds over the last few months and is very sensitive about it. On the other hand, I gotta tell her something. What should I do?

Signed,
Bilingual In Trouble

Dear Bilingual In Trouble,

Thanks to the globalized economy, languages all over the world are dying out like so many endangered wolves and pandas. It's natural to feel protective of your culture. And in relationships, language is never a neutral series of zeros and ones. This is especially true for bilingual people. Sociolinguists have documented the linguistic idiosyncrasies of bilinguals in love. For example, one couple bickered in English, but when they argued about big issues the bilingual spouse poured forth in his native language.

We think you know you have to lie if you want to maintain the status quo. Translate your foreign-tongued dirty talk into something believable but less offensive and leave it at that. The solution seems obvious, so we wonder why you hesitate. Perhaps you have other concerns about this relationship.

In all kinds of relationships, even "friendship w/ privileges" (FWPs), it's okay to have boundaries. By demanding that you spew obscenities in your native language, your friend challenged one of your boundaries. We think she was wrong to pressure you. But we also think you could have better explained your reservations to her. Perhaps you kept silent because you wanted to avoid adding emotional complications to your casual relationship. To this, we argue that we doubt the FWP is devoid of emotional complications: you admit in your letter that you are aware of her body image insecurities, and we suspect you feel disappointed that she was not equally responsive to your vulnerable emotions about your culture.

No friendship, with or without privileges, is healthy if one partner retains the exclusive right to terminate the relationship. Even if she's bluffing, your friend is manipulating you like a puppet on a string. This FWP may have been an ideal situation a few years ago, but it's time for a tune-up. It's time to make changes so that there's more respect for your boundaries. If she's not open to making changes, you can downgrade or terminate the relationship. In these dry times, it can be hard to walk away from a reliable fuckbuddy, but we think you'll feel better if you visit a massage parlor (see next week's column).

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita