posted and copyrighted October 17, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 37, divorced with no kids. Although I have been on a bazillion dates, until recently I had never felt true love. A friend became more than that several months ago. Her gentle nature and understanding heart broke through the fortified layers of cynicism I had built up since being cheated on in college.

The amazing part of the relationship is the sex. Or should I call it love-sex? Without my usual fears and doubts, I have opened up and allowed myself to experiment with her and find some truly amazing places emotionally.

The problem is the rest of relationship is only so-so. Not bad, but I have dated women who could carry on much better conversation. I keep finding myself wanting, really wanting, to have love-sex with other women that I would be more compatible with on more levels.

Am I foolish not to submit my heart to this woman? After all, she is the reason I have finally begun to know and understand love. I am old enough that that doesn’t happen with just anybody. Or do I gratefully thank her for opening up this amazing next chapter of my life and move on? Hopefully to find someone that I will not only love but will also share similar beliefs, be able to talk to for hours, and shake in my knees whenever she walks in the room.

Signed,
Torn Between the Really Good and the Possibly Incredible

Dear Torn Between the Really Good and the Possibly Incredible,

We’re not the kind of sex-advice columnists who universally advocate that the solution to every relationship problem is honest communication. However, in this case, we think the best thing is for you to sit down with this woman and say, “You’re a hot lay, but whenever you open your mouth to speak, I cringe. I’m torn because you’re great in bed, but I can’t think of anything else that I like about you.” It should be interesting to see how she reacts.

Seriously, Torn, why is this the first time you’ve opened your heart? Why does this women make you feel true love? Is it because she’s a friend and you feel safe with her? But, how strange that she’s a friend and yet you don’t share any similar beliefs or have anything to talk about. Your story doesn't add up, Torn. Either your fortified cynicism is discouraging you from pursuing this glittering piece of genuine happiness, or you’re so pleased about overcoming your erotic blocks that you want to have love-sex with more women instead of settling down with one.

For someone battling two decades of fortified cynicism, you seem as naïve and optimistic as a teen magazine. If you can stop daydreaming about quivering knees for a few moments, we think you should clarify exactly which beliefs you must share with your ideal partner, because it can be a challenge to find someone who feels the same way you do, about everything, all the time. For example, if you want someone who is widely knowledgeable, willing to re-evaluate decisions when conditions change, and devoted to life of public service, you’ll surely find a good match in John Kerry. Or, if you’re more interested in someone who will attack your civil liberties, turn the rest of the world against you, and destroy the environment, then you’re better off with George W. Bush.

We do believe in the Possibly Incredible, and we think John Kerry will open an amazing new chapter in your life. We also believe that Love-Sex Goddesses are rare creatures. One in a bazillion, they say. If you don’t take good care of her and worship her properly, she will disappear like a $236 billion budget surplus under the Bush administration.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita