posted and copyrighted August 15, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’m 38 years old and I lucked out in life and met the girl of my dreams in high school, and we’ve been married almost 20 years. The sex has been getting better and better as our kids are now old enough to entertain themselves, and we have a lot more time. The only problem is that we were both virgins when we started dating, and have been each other’s only sex partner. I can’t help wondering what I may have missed. Don’t get me wrong, we have an active sex life, and have been somewhat adventurous. I just have this nagging feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. How do I let this go without having an affair, which I don’t want to do?

Signed,
Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Having sex with another woman will probably not be better than having sex with your wife. In fact, you will probably be so nervous that you won't even be able to get an erection.

And yet, having sex with another woman could still be one of those life-enriching experiences like volunteering at a homeless shelter or seeing the Grand Canyon. If your marriage is so fucking awesome, then you and your wife should try swinging. Sure, "swinger" seems like the one label you don't want associated with your identity, but you’ll feel better when you browse thousands of profiles of regular couples on reputable adult dating websites. (We’re not giving URLs because Rita and her ex-boyfriend forgot to take down their profile after breaking up.)

The nice thing about swinging is that you don’t have to lie to your wife. But, the hard thing about swinging is that you have to be honest with your wife. We suggest you tell her that you are very happy in the marriage, and you have recently become aware of some new sexual needs that develop quite naturally from becoming a middle-aged adult within a stable family lifestyle. You might even tell her that you feel there’s a lot of confusing messages in our culture, so that having an affair or denying oneself seem to be the most popular, yet unappealing, solutions. And then, take a deep breath and tell her that you want try wife-swapping.

Does it make the conversation easier or harder to assume that, deep down, your wife feels the same way? She’s curious about making love with other men. Before you have this conversation with her, you must become totally comfortable about her making love with other men. If you’re not comfortable with your wife making love with other men, then you are not ready to be a swinger, and you’re not worthy of our advice.

After you and your wife have reassured each other that you are totally in love with each other and completely happy in your marriage, then you can put a profile online and start flirting with other couples. A good couples dating website will have a list of rules and guidelines to help you establish appropriate contact with other couples. You’ve missed the era of online dating, so be warned that there are some fakes out there, but after a while you’ll be able to spot who is serious.

Before you make arrangements to meet potential couples face-to-face, you and your wife need to agree upon what you are seeking. Just like singles, some couples are looking for one night stands, while others want an ongoing connection. In the beginning, it’s fine for you and wife to say that you are "exploring the scene" if you're not sure what kind of relationship you want. However, you absolutely must establish your boundaries--what body parts and activities are off limits--before you find yourselves in a hot tub with a randy schoolteacher and dentist couple from the suburbs.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita