posted and copyrighted September 19, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm writing this because I'm seriously confused about my penis. When a person's penis is erect, the top skin comes off and you can see the flesh, but in my case this is not so. The size of my penis is average--nearly six inches, which is average, right? I go out with girls and everything is all right but then when it comes to sex I feel shy and just have to settle down for kisses. So please tell me what to do or what is wrong in my case.

Signed,
Jay

Dear Jay,

We suspect the culprit is your foreskin. It sounds like you're uncircumcised, but can't roll the skin back off the head of your penis. The skin rolls back just enough so that you can pee, but the rest of the head is covered with foreskin, even when fully erect.

We think it's possible that your serpent's sweater needs some unstitching and your man-root needs to be repotted. We consulted a phallic expert, Dr. Sai Lami. Actually, the doctor is more of a Ph.D. than an MD, but during our romp in Las Vegas we observed that he's uncircumcised, and upon remembering this fact of anatomy many many years later, we thought perhaps he might be able to offer his eight inches uncut!!**!! totally raw action!~!! two cents.

Dr. Lami's advice? "This is not unusual for uncircumcised boys. I actually had this same condition. He'll have to get partially circumcised, just enough so that he can roll back the skin and expose the head of the penis."

Make an appointment with your doctor. After this completely painless procedure, you'll need a few weeks to heal. The sooner you resize your uniform, the sooner you can barter your six inches for privileges with the ladies (see next week's column).

P.S. Did we say completely painless? That's a lie. Good luck, Jay.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita