posted and copyrighted August 15, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

i have been watching alot of stuuf lately like sex and the city and wondered that a ex advice columnist really interest me and wondered wat to do about it.

also i wondered wat to about a mate of mine. we have been mates for 4 years and we like each other more than mates but every time we come to have sex i chicken out but the next day i am horny as ever for him but i dont want to compromise myself being my first time. please help

Signed,
Jan

Dear Jan,

Because you didn't use our anonymous advice form, we were able to view your email address and see that your email originated outside the United States. We were very excited to receive your letter because this means that we're reaching an international audience. But, readers, you must bear with us because we're dealing with people who use English as a second language--our Jan is from some little foreign nation called the United Kingdom, wherever that is.

You are not alone in being uncertain about losing your virginity. Young women, in particular, are put in the unfair position of having to sacrifice their own burning eroticism to maintain a "nice girl" reputation. But, if you're really serious about becoming a sex columnist, you've got to cultivate a "bad girl gone badder"(TM) reputation.

What may help is figuring out why you chicken out, why you fear sex-- is it the way your mate will see you afterwards or maybe how you see yourself afterwards, maybe you don't want to disappoint him/yourself, anxiety to perform, etc. These issues will come up whenever you initiate new sexual relationships throughout your life, so you may as well start thinking about them now.

Your mate may be the perfect partner for your first experience of sexual intercourse. You've known each other four years, so you've got a basic level of trust and comfort that could set the stage for a joyful and mutually pleasurable romp through your parents' liquor cabinet, followed by an awkward, possibly painful five minutes on the couch. Ha, just kidding. If you don't want to compromise your ideals about your fantasy deflowerment, describe your fantasy to your mate. You both may find that it's hard to live up to your ideal, but at least you'll capture the essence.

If by some chance you're only 13 years old, you should disregard all of this advice and wait another 3 or 4 years. And: use a condom, oh dear god, please use a condom.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita