posted and copyrighted August 29, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm 19 years old. My partner and I have sex most nights. I recently bought my first vibrator and have used it alone, but I would like to know how to use it more effectively with my partner.

Signed,
Ema

Dear Ema,

Congratulations on your first vibrator purchase. We think it's wonderful that you want to share this with your partner. It's funny that you use the phrase "more effectively" because you've probably discovered by now that sometimes there's nothing so effective as a vibrator, eh?

Slipping a vibrator into a relationship is not so easy as it sounds. The easiest part will be the physical logistics. We assume you're having orgasms alone with this vibrator. Imagine what it's like to have that same orgasm while your partner is nibbling your breasts, while her fingers are inside you, or while your mouth is wrapped around his penis. Imagine your partner behind you, holding the vibrator against your clit. Imagine you're facing each other and the vibrator creates a warm buzz between your bodies that brings you both to orgasm. "Effective" doesn't even begin to describe it.

The harder part may be having an open conversation with your partner about vibrators. If, like plenty of women, you only have orgasms using the vibrator, the stakes of this conversation are high. You must not settle for a life without orgasms. We suggest that you tell your partner what you like about the vibrator experience, and that you want to have the experience with him/her. Describe some of the ways you see this happening (feel free to use the above scenarios). But perhaps you're worried that your partner might take offense and become fearful that she/he isn't good enough and feel insecure about your sex life. If your partner expresses these concerns, be positive and say something like, "Oh, you silly! We have great sex! I love it when you kiss my back when we're going doggie!" Or whatever.

If you and your partner mostly do the same thing every night, it might feel awkward to break that rhythm with a new sex toy, but before long a new routine will develop. Then it's time to introduce erotic books and movies (see next week's column), then blindfolds and restraints, then threesomes, and so on. You're only 19, Ema, so you've got a whole lifetime of sexual exploration ahead of you. Think of the vibrator challenge as practice for getting all your needs, not just sexual ones, met in a relationship.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita