posted and copyrighted October 3, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I don't want to cheat on my wife but I find the thought of a sexual massage titillating. You think it's possible to go to one of these massage parlors and simply get a massage? I wouldn't want to interact physically with the masseuse. Maybe a bit of exhibitionism would be fun, but that's it. Just curious of your thoughts.

Ron

Dear Ron,

Before we answer your question, we'd like to clarify that we'll be referring to a woman who works in a massage parlor as a masseuse. We'll be referring to a woman who does not work in a massage parlor as a fully-clothed licensed massage therapist. A disclaimer: We're not completely satisfied with the terminology. After all, some of the best masseuses are trained and licensed in massage and other healing arts. An hour with a good masseuse can be even more therapuetic than a nonsexual massage.

Yes, Ron, you can go to a massage parlor and simply get a massage. Unfortunately, neither your wife nor the cops who bust the place will believe that you're there to "simply get a massage," so if you're brave enough to walk through the gates of Jade Spa, you may as well indulge in the complete experience, unless your conscience actually distinguishes between being rubbed down by a naked woman and being rubbed down by a naked woman and then getting a 45-second handjob.

Rather than immediately jeopardize your marriage, we're going to suggest you take your wife to a day spa and arrange for two fully-clothed licensed massage therapists to give a couples massage. You'll receive your massages together in the same room, a subtly erotic experience. Or, you can find a fully-clothed licensed massage therapist who brings a massage table to your home. Afterwards, you can shoo the therapist out the door and create a more sexual mood with your wife. If all goes well, your wife might not mind if you see a female fully-clothed licensed massage therapist alone in a legit setting, which might be enough titillation for you.

If you're craving an illicit experience, or if you're just too damn curious about what goes inside that mysterious Jade Spa, you've got a bigger issue to deal with. Our society is really fucked up about things like this. On the one hand, why shouldn't you be able to experience something that excites you, as long at it doesn't harm anyone? On the other hand, your wife, if she's like most wives, will be devastated if she finds out you visited Jade Spa. In the end, all we can say is this, Ron: You should have done this before you got married. By getting married, you likely agreed to follow certain implicit rules, such as "I will not pay for sex, nor will I visit massage parlors where people pay for sexual release." As much as we support sex workers and a sexually positive culture, we're not going to advise you to violate your wife's trust.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita