posted and copyrighted May 30, 2007

Dear Nina and Rita,

My question has to do with my husband. After being together for over twenty years, today he requested anal sex. Not to be performed on me but me doing it to him. Is this telling me something about his sexuality or could he just be curious?

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Signed,
Peggy

Dear Peggy,

“Every guy wants something in his ass,” Stephen Elliott writes in his short story My Mainstream Girlfriend. Wanting something in one’s ass doesn’t connote anything about whether one prefers men or women.  This is a perfectly normal desire and it’s easy to make it happen. 

With all anal play, it’s good to start slowly.  First, use a finger with lots and lots of lube. Using a finger will enable him to get used to the feeling of fullness, and it will also allow you to feel the thrilling sensation of penetrating him.  If you don’t want to get messy, wear a latex glove (use the kind without powder).  Use lots and lots of lube.  If you husband lies on his back, you can slowly (very slowly) slide your finger inside him, palm side up.  Or, if he kneels on all fours, he can gradually back himself onto your finger at a pace that is comfortable for him. 

There are different ways to move your finger inside him.  You can make slight gentle movements in and out, not actually thrusting, more like rubbing with a relaxed and moderately erect finger.  You can, if he’s ready for it, use slow or fast thrusting movements, moving your stiff finger in and out and like a jackhammer.  You can stimulate his prostate by curling your finger and stroking the spongy area inside him at the base of his penis.  He may like certain strokes better than others, depending on his nerve endings and anatomy and comfort level.  Check in with each other.  “Does this feel okay?”

After you and he are comfortable with a finger or two, you can try plugs, strap on dildos, and other toys. For more information about pegging your husband, see Bend Over Boyfriend and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita