posted and copyrighted July 18, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’ve had exhibitionist fantasies ever since I was a girl, but I’ve been too nervous about the possible ramifications to act them out. A few years ago, when I turned 35, I bought a webcam and found a way to engage in my fantasies in a manner I was comfortable with, namely, exposing myself in chat rooms. About six months ago, I finally confessed to my then boyfriend (now fiance) what I had been doing, which he actually already suspected. He didn’t want me to go on webcam on my own anymore, which I totally understand, and we tried several times to figure out a way for both of us to take part in this. We did have some fun (a virtual threesome was a highlight). But it became clear that what I wanted to do (expose myself to a lot of people) was hurtful to him, and the qualifiers he needed (fewer people viewing me, couples or women with webcams in exchange only) just frustrated me. So we’ve dropped the subject. My problem is that I’m really feeling that drive to be on webcam again, but I wouldn’t do it unless my fiance would be OK with it. But I don’t think that is likely to happen. So what do I do?

Signed,
Extraordinary Exhibitionist

Dear Extraordinary Exhibitionist,

It depends on how badly you want to get married. If you’re willing to give up the one thing that really turns you on in exchange for a pretty ring and all the accompanying privileges, then you should destroy your webcam. And stop reading now.

Oh, wait, read this paragraph, too. We consulted an expert, Trixie the Wandering Webwhore, who makes her living doing x-rated camshows. Trixie says, "I believe that promising to give up the freedom to show off to whomever she wants whenever she wants will be the beginning of the end of their relationship." Why? "She will never be able to give up the desire to taste and experience that forbidden fruit," Trixie says, "But if she continues to do shows to a limited audience he prescribes as being in his comfort zone, he will still always suspect she’s cheating. And she will always want to cheat."

The thing is, EE, it’s not like he’s asking you to give up some small thing. It’s not like he’s saying no more Grey Goose--from now on we only drink Stoli! You've had this fantasy for years and years, so you must have felt liberated when webcam technology enabled you to act out your fantasy in a safe context. "Her fantasies have revolved around exhibitionism since childhood," Trixie says, "So it sounds like an integral part of her personality and her fantasy life."

There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You’re not hurting anyone. Are you really hurting your fiance? It’s hard to say. Perhaps his ego is wounded because you don't want to follow his rules to pamper his sexual insecurities. At the same time, he's probably attracted to your exhibitionist side. Some men who fall in love with exhibitionists try to lay down boundaries to protect themselves, without fully understanding the nature of the fetish. By asking you to limit your exposure to couples and women, your fiance ignores the fact that nothing compares to an actual or virtual roomful of anonymous leering men. Rita used to be a stripper, and then her boyfriend said, "You can still strip, but only for me." And that kind of ruined it, especially since he forgot to bring dollar bills.

Nina believes that many men still cannot handle women’s alternative sexualities outside of casual encounters. Even liberal, experimental men get stuck thinking that their wives should not be slutty. Trixie advises you to put a hold on making a further commitment like marriage while you try to work this out. "If the relationship is special enough to salvage, they should consider getting a counselor to help them sort through this." Think about how you will frame the issue for the counselor: it's not about whether or not you can contain your desires. It's about your fiance's discomfort when you look elsewhere for something he cannot give you. If all else fails, do what Trixie did and find yourself a sexy exhibitionist boyfriend.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita