posted and copyrighted November 14, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

Is there always something missing?

Signed,
Partial in Park Slope

Dear Partial in Park Slope,

Your elegant little question will go down in history as the Great Cocktail Party Icebreaker. Everyone has an opinion about the void that keeps us awake in the wee hours, the nothingness that led Wallace Stevens to say, "We must endure our thoughts all night, until / The bright obvious stands motionless in the cold." The bright obvious is that some of us are seekers who play by our own rules, who know there's something more out there, and we aren't going to settle for partially fulfilling relationships.

Anyway, here's our collection of answers, compiled from cocktail napkins:

Something was always missing...until I realized I was gay...until I admitted I wanted to be tied up and smacked around during sex...until I met a man who knew how to eat pussy...etc, etc.

In other words, are your basic physical needs being met?

Something is missing, and that is the nature of desire.

Eventually, something is missing, but not at first.

The paradox of love is that it “fills” you with “longing.” That’s a whole lot of emptiness pulsing through your veins. Then, when the passion cools, you resume day-to-day activities. This leads to a different kind of vacancy. Anticipate this change, even look forward to it, and love the emptiness the way you read the blank space of a poem.

Consumer capitalism always already makes me feel incomplete.

Sorry, nothing you can do about that. Still, he was cute and we got his phone number.

Something is missing inside myself.

She has only one kidney.

Something was always missing because I was dating the same woman over and over again.

Think long and hard about this one, Partial in Park Slope, because we suspect this is your problem. You think you’ve had a string of failed relationships, but actually you’ve been dating the same kind of woman over and over, and she will never complete you as a true partner. We’re not claiming that one person can fulfill all your emotional and physical needs for the rest of your life, but it’s quite possible that there’s a much better match out there for you.

So here’s our advice. Try someone different. Do the online dating thing and go out with different kinds of women, especially women that you wouldn’t have pursued in the past. Keep the stakes low, and see for yourself what you’re missing.

By the way, only one of our respondents said confidently that nothing is missing, but she has a husband, a boyfriend, and a houseboy. Sounds like the perfect arrangement to us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita