posted and copyrighted February 21, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have known each other for 16 years. It all started about 7 years ago when the sex in our marriage started tapering off. Now it happens less than once a month. I thought a woman was supposed to reach her sexual prime in her forties. I don’t know why she doesn’t like sex. Maybe it’s me. Can you give me some advice on how to warm her up?

Signed,
Sexless Marriage

Dear Sexless Marriage,

Sex will usually taper off in a marriage or long-term monogamous relationship. Once every six weeks? Sounds like the average American marriage. A woman’s sexual appetite slips into dormancy for many reasons. Ask your wife to list the top three reasons why she’s not interested in having (more) sex. This will be a delicate conversation, so let her think about it a while, or perhaps give her a few days to write out a proper list.

Suppose the top thing on her list is that she’s too tired or stressed from work. Even though you are also tired and stressed from work, it’s different because most woman aren’t raised to think of sex as a stress-relieving activity. Your solution is to perfect your pussy-licking techniques so that you can get her off for real and she doesn’t have to fake an orgasm just to get you to stop. And then, let her fall asleep. Don’t ask for any kind of reciprocation, and for god’s sake, don’t fuck her unless she’s begging you. Act like you don’t expect ANYTHING in return. After about two months, her conscience will probably kick in and she’s start taking care of your needs. Even then, you should still let her fall asleep without reciprocation sometimes.

Maybe the next thing on her list is that she doesn’t feel sexy anymore. It’s hard to feel sexy in a culture that worships 18-year-olds. Your solution is to spend the next decade persuading her that forty-something women are the sexiest creatures alive. Rent Calendar Girls. And then, in 2015, your mission in life will be to persuade your wife that fifty-year-old women are god’s gift to Earth. You must not waver from this mission. Ever.

Whatever is next on her list, your solution is going to be a soft sex toy with bunny ears that fits around your penis. (Use lube to slide it down the shaft.) Invite your wife to climb on top of you and sit there for about two hours. Let her relax and enjoy the slow waves of pleasure. Don’t pump unless she tells you. The bunny ears toy is like a cockring version of that ring in Lord of the Rings. She will wake up thinking about it with longing, wondering when she can be close to it again. She will face the sweetly humiliating realization that she will do anything for another ride on the bunny ears. And then—evil laugh—she will be yours.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita