posted and copyrighted September 19, 2007

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’m a twenty-six year old, straight male who hasn’t had time for a proper relationship for several years, due to my career choices.  In fact, other than this past week, it’s been several years since I’ve had sex with a woman more than one time.  I’ve felt awkward having sex ever since me and my high school sweetheart of four years broke up.  I even did some free therapy in college to address this issue.  The therapist seemed to think I still had emotional attachments to my ex.  Either way, it’s an issue I’ve been concerned with for quite some time now.

Basically, I get into bed and have grave difficulty performing.  If I’m lucky to get it up, I only last a few minutes before climaxing.  Sometimes I can’t get it up at all.  This past week, a friend of mine from out of town visited me for a week.  We’d never been intimate before and for the first few nights nothing happened.  The third night, however, we ended up having sex and, while I achieve an erection, it only lasted for a few minutes – par the course.  It was basically the same thing for the next several nights.  The final night, however, was completely different.  We were getting along really well and flirting like crazy.  I felt on the clouds the entire evening as hints to what was to come that night in the hotel room graced my ears.  When we finally made it back, I was in rare form.  I was literally inside of her for about two hours –not including foreplay and oral sex.  I was in complete control and knew when to slow down and speed up and everything seemed to fit perfectly.  And afterward, I didn’t feel like I wanted to roll over and go to sleep.  I wanted to embrace her lovingly and passionately.  My entire body was numb and I felt better about myself then I’d ever felt before.  The next morning, we had sex three times before we checked out and then one more time before her flight!

For the longest time, I’d assumed I’d lost the ability to perform that well, since I really haven’t in about six years.  I’ve thought about trying prescription drugs or something, but after this week, I know it’s not a physical dysfunction.  I suppose I’m really just asking for some insight.  Is it normal for a guy to perform better if he’s gotten somewhat used to a girl’s body?  Is it knowing what she likes or how she feels?  Or could it actually be emotional?  I really didn’t think this was the girl for me (and even if she were she’s about 5000 miles away) but after the other night, she’s all I can think about.  And the real question: how do I get that feeling back?  And more importantly, how the hell can I perform like that the FIRST time with a girl?

Signed,
Wannabe Sex God

Dear Wannabe Sex God,

For many men, the first night of sex with a new partner is awkward and unreliable, but each subsequent night gets better. This is due to a variety of reasons, and you named several great possibilities such as being able to anticipate the needs of your partner, feeling more comfortable with your partner, and starting to feel an emotional connection with your partner.  If you're the kind of man whose sexual style gets better and better after the first night, you need to be sure that you have enough other attractive qualities--a good-natured sense of humor, the ability and willingness to perform oral sex, and decent conversation skills--to keep the girl coming back for more, since not all of your sexual partners will be captive in a hotel room for a week.

We shouldn’t ignore the unique circumstances of last week’s encounter.  The girl lives 5000 miles away, so there was no pressure to have a "proper relationship."   At the same time, she’s someone who's known you for a while and likes you enough that she came to visit you for a week. So, perhaps, on a deeper psychological level, the circumstances were ideal:  she already accepts you for who you are but she’s not going to stick around long enough to complicate your life or threaten your career choices.  If your lack of sexual confidence is rooted in these psychological issues, then perhaps you should invest in more therapy, or consider striking up a low-maintenance long-distance relationship with someone who lives about 300 miles away.  You could find someone like this online and develop a friendship before you meet in person.  She’ll be close enough that your monthly or bi-monthly visits will nurture an emotional connection, but far enough away that you can live independently.

But we think your penis might surprise you.  We think your penis has learned new habits.  We think your penis will be excited to show off its new tricks.  (We like thinking about your penis.)  Sexual confidence lingers and can easily be summoned during your next tryst. Have faith that your body will remember last week's sexual prowess.  It’s okay if there are still some awkward moments.  It’s okay (and quite common) if your first orgasm of the night happens quickly, because your second round will last two hours. It’s okay if you have to think a little bit about fucking your last lover to help you stay hard for your current lover.

If all else fails, what about the possibility that you’ve fallen for a girl who lives 5000 miles away?  Have you considered relocating?

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita