posted and copyrighted June 19, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I’ve known this girl from work for a few years. We've always been friends, but four months ago our relationship became sexual even though she was in a relationship, and he was living with her. I know this is wrong, but everyone knows he is not a great guy. One day, a while back, he smacked her outside of our workplace. She repeatedly told me how she hates him, and doesn’t love him anymore. But she kept him around to help pay the mortgage. Yes, she was using him. She said, after a few drinks, that she was falling in love with me and loves me. I never said it back because I’ve been hurt in the past when I fall for girls. I did tell her many times I would like to be with her, that I wanted her to dump him, and that I would help figure out her finances, not pay them. Cut to now: she has left our workplace because she got a better job and I haven’t heard from her since. I called and text-messaged her for a few days in a row, and then stopped. I haven’t called her for two weeks now. I don’t understand how someone can say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact. If she is done with our affair, I can handle that, but why doesn’t she tell me? I developed feelings for her and I would still like to be her friend. What should I do? Send her a letter? Stop by her new job? Call her one more time?

Signed,
The Other Man

Dear The Other Man,

This is one of the sweetest and saddest fables of love. Your story, with all its sentimental baggage, describes a rite of passage that reveals the frail vulnerability of the heart and the infuriating irrationality of the psyche. As we read each sentence of your letter, we smile a kind, forgiving smile. We want you to curl up in the crook of our arm, and we’ll say, "There, there."

Like any cultural myth, your story’s purpose is to try to explain an unexplainable phenomenon. How can someone say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact? By definition, the answer to your question lies in your own telling of the timeless myth. She hasn’t called you back because that’s what the character of this myth does. Unfortunately, you won’t understand why she hasn’t called you back until you inadvertently take on another role in this triangular myth: you, avoiding an anxious lover’s secret messages. Until then, you don’t need to understand why she hasn’t called you back. All you need to know is that she does not want to be with you anymore and there’s nothing you can do about it.

If she’s still with her boyfriend, then they’ve got a hell of a delicate arrangement and you should stay the hell away, despite your lingering feelings. She wanted you to give her everything her boyfriend gave her, except the domestic violence part. She really really needed someone to help pay her bills. We’re not suggesting that you should have put on your red cape and swooped in to rescue her, but we think that’s what she was looking for. You had the best intentions, and you offered her a path toward financial independence and a better life. She chose not to take that risk. And that’s that.

There are other possibilities, too. Maybe she’s making more money at her new job, and she’s going to develop financial independence without your help. Perhaps she felt hurt that you couldn’t say you loved her. Maybe she regards you as an immature nuisance who wants free nookie. If you want to make one last go at it, you probably have a 14% chance of winning her back. Why not go to her workplace and make a huge Hollywood spectacle with a dozen red roses, etc? The only problem is that if her boyfriend hears about it, he might beat her up. And then you’ll have to beat him up. That may be the end of it, unless he decides to shoot both of you and then shoot himself. It couldn’t hurt to check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline website before you go.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita