posted and copyrighted May 8, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am currently seeing a woman who, in my opinion, is way better looking than I am. I’d say she is a 9 and I’m a 5 (on a good day). Some say she’s a Pam Anderson type. But that is the tip of the iceberg…she is also three years older than me, has a seven year old son, and is still close friends with “her baby daddy” – what a stupid phrase. And, the father is, again in my opinion, better looking than I. And I am also concerned about having to compete with him, which I know I cannot do – after all he is the father. What should I do about my insecurities on the looks factor? In my mind, I think people are looking at us and thinking, “What the hell is she doing with him?” And, what should I do about the father factor?

Signed,
Beauty and the Beast

Dear Beast,

Let’s begin by looking at Pamela Anderson’s boyfriends. Yeah, Tommy Lee was hot naked…but skuzzy when fully clothed. In addition to giving her Hepatitis C, Tommy Lee was sentenced to six months in prison for beating Pammy. Kid Rock looks yummy in a wife-beater but he’s also kind of frightening, and the evidence is inconclusive as to whether Kid Rock was good-looking before he met Pam. Stephen Dorff gets named Hunk of Month in magazines, and his fan base consists of teenage girls and gay men, so yeah, he’s hot, but their romance only lasted five months because Pam "felt the relationship didn’t have a future."

Beast, there will always be people who are better looking than you. Some people date and procreate with people who are about their same level of attractiveness. But there is no natural law governing this world that says Nines must date Nines and Fives must date Fives. That's what makes love so exciting. Even so, when anyone sees a female Nine dating a male Five, they assume he has a lot of money. So enjoy the scandal of it, even if she makes more than you. Or, if both incomes are equal, people assume that he can really make her laugh. Plus, it’s no secret that men in the 4-6 range are very skilled at performing oral sex. But these are general traits. If you really want to know, you have to ask your girlfriend what she likes about you. Her answer may be somewhat abstract, such as she feels safe around you, or she likes that you respect her intelligence, but that’s probably a good thing. It means she likes you for yourself, not your bling or your tricked-out ride.

Women are more likely than men to choose a partner on personality over looks. Yet, it’s unclear what you like about this woman aside from the fact that she looks like Pamela Anderson. The stuff you’re worrying about is basically beyond your control. She will always be three years older than you. She will always have a son. These are the things that make her interesting. Maybe you're concerned that your judgmental friends who only date younger, childless women are whispering, "What the hell is he doing with her?" If you want to date a younger, childless gal who looks like Pamela Anderson, then cut your Beauty loose, and find someone who better fits your ideal, or pay someone to pretend.

Anyway, Beast, what we like about you is that you are trying to figure out how to thrive in a nontraditional relationship. (After all, if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship, then none of this should matter anyway.) There’s very little you change about the circumstances you’ve described, so you have to think long and hard if you can accept and cherish the qualities that set her apart. If you want to stay with her, you’ll need to put some time and energy towards working on your issues:

First, you should feel more confident about your appearance. If reality TV has taught us anything, it’s that people who are only beautiful on the inside can get an ego boost from a makeover. Learn more about men’s clothes so that you can develop a signature style. If possible, have some of your clothes tailored so that they fit perfectly. Wear a cologne that your girlfriend likes. But also find an alternate cologne that other women like. You want something that will make ladies lean in and announce, "You smell so good!" And this will make you feel good. Occasionally spend more than ten buck getting your hair cut at a good salon, and ask for advice about the best facial hair patterns to match your bone structure. With regular maintenance, you should be able to pass for a 6 or 7 on a good day.

Second, recognize that her decision to maintain a friendship her child's father is in the best interest of providing stability for her son, so don’t rock that boat. Instead, see if you can get onboard. The best thing you can do is to be a reliable and benevolent person in that boy’s life. Find out what seven-year-old boys like. With the guidance of your girlfriend, figure out small ways that you can fit into his life. Start small, like making him pancakes on Fridays, or picking him up from school on Tuesdays and taking him for an ice cream cone. Don’t commit to more than you can give and don’t fuck it up. Gradually, you will develop a relationship with the boy that will rival the father's, and you'll impress the hell out of your girlfriend.

This week’s extra feature: Everyone knows that the best thing about having a sex blog is receiving the monthly list of search terms generated by the stats program. These are the words, phrases, and questions that people type in to Google, Yahoo, and Ask Jeeves, which lead them to adviceweekly.com. An analysis of the list suggests that the biggest social problem facing the typical American is a flirtatious boss. Maybe the Republicans are already on top of this problem. Or the Democrats—we’re not sure anymore. Here is a sample of the workplace advice seekers:

married boss flirts advice tips

my boss wants to fuck me

innocent flirting with coworkers

The other thing we noticed is that we get a visit from the googlebot when people are looking for porn. So we’d love to meet the folks who type in stuff like:

sleeping girls sex drunk mom porn

male prostate stimulation pictures kinky

puppy husband BDSM

We'll leave you with this lovely adviceweekly.com search term haiku:

Cunnilingus banana
Husband spanks wife
Ejaculate shoot dribble

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita