posted and copyrighted January 10, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm a 29-year-old man with a girlfriend but our relationship has been getting kinda sour lately and I've resorted to getting chummy with other girls, yet still maintaining my current girlfriend (don't ask why I’m not leaving her). Also we’ve stopped having sex for a good six months I think.

Well, to cut things short, I'm looking for a fuck-buddy. Just someone who'd call me when she’s horny and will always be around when I’m feeling horny.

I got to know this girl who tells me she has an affair with a married man and also has a friend who she fucks once in a while, but not attached. Bottom line, she’s single.

I've known her for less than two weeks but she's shared a lot of information with me that I think normal people wouldn’t share with strangers they've just met—so I’m just a bit confused on whether she just wants to be good friends or am I potentially another fuck-buddy for her? Which is actually what I do want!

Any tips on subtle hints I could use or signals that I can look out for to indicate that she is interested in taking it 'down that road'?

Signed,
Confusingly Horny

Dear Confusingly Horny,

Yeah, you do sound confused. Let’s clarify a few things. In monogamous relationships, seeing other women is called “cheating on your girlfriend.” Only people who are single, or in open relationships, can refer to their lovers as “fuck buddies.”

So, you want to cheat on your girlfriend, and you’ve narrowed your search to a certain special someone. It doesn’t really matter whether this girl wants to be friends or lovers, does it? After all, if you’re not taking care of your girlfriend’s needs, you certainly don’t need to worry about some other girl’s needs. Your biggest concerns ought to be avoiding rejection and not getting caught.

Assuming you are reasonably attractive with good hygiene, we think you’ll probably be able to score at least once with this girl. The only glitch we foresee is that she may be sharing her secrets with you because she needs a guy who will listen without being judgmental, without advancing his own hidden agenda. If so, she will be disappointed when you make a pass at her. And yet, she still might sleep with you if, when you hit on her, you reveal your integral goodness as a human being. For example, say something to this effect, “Gee, I would like to have something like that,” or the more direct route, “Is this a possibility between us?” After a few minor negotiations, you’ll be successfully cheating on your girlfriend.

In movies, people who have affairs sometimes get murdered by their jealous spouses, but in real life the biggest danger is that you’ll get caught, and someone’s heart will get broken. You seem to think that your girlfriend will be less hurt by cheating than by breaking up. We don’t know if this is true, because you’re keeping us in the dark about so many things, but we think it’s kinda unfair to keep your girlfriend tied to an admittedly sour relationship while you’re off getting laid. Maybe you should try again by writing another letter, this time asking for advice about your girlfriend. Are you afraid of being single? Don’t worry, being single has its advantages, not the least of which is that you’ll receive full membership in the fuck buddy club.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita