posted and copyrighted May 23, 2005

Dear Nina and Rita,

I have been having sex with the same girl for about six months, and I have yet to get off. She has Multi-O’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am far from starving, but she feels inadequate.

We just had an agreeable breakup. I am sure this played a hand in it. I’d like to have this problem resolved before my next long term sexual partner. I’d like to have it resolved before my next short term partner, but that seems lofty.

When I lost my virginity (20), it took me three weeks to orgasm for the first time. Blow jobs, nothing. When I am with a man, too, I get the same results. Maybe I should say lack of results.

I love sexual acts! And I don’t mind not getting off. Nor do I mind getting off. In other words, the only reason I care is because others care.

Some more information: I am 24 years old, have ADD, masturbate eight times a week, I have quiet orgasms, grew up in the South, I can’t spell, I don’t sleep much, and if I were ever to have a baseball card, this is what would be on the back of it. Along with runs batted in.

Signed,
Dylan

Dear Dylan,

There are ways to achieve sexual pleasure without having an orgasm. For example, Nina enjoys erotic role-playing, and she’s high for days afterwards – this is much more pleasure than an orgasm can give her. Rita loves S/M, and she gets so aroused by spanking someone that she often forgets to have an orgasm. But yeah, you know that already. We just wanted an excuse to talk about our own sex lives, which are really kind of dry lately.

You get an A+ for self-acceptance, Dylan, and that’s a valuable quality to carry through your life. We suspect that you are a wonderful lover because of your open-minded attitude. If we are going to lay down the odds, it’s likely that you have some psycho-sexual issues about power and control. Giving in to an orgasm means going out of control, and going out of control is scary for some of us. You might want to look into consensual erotic bondage. If you are tied up, then you’ve got no choice because your partner is "forcing" you to have an orgasm. We’re guessing that’s probably your thing. You could also try tying up your partner and see if you can come when your partner is immobilized.

You may be shy about having an orgasm in front of another person. This is because people look funny when they come and they make crazy loud noises, although we noticed how you are quick to point out that your orgasms are quiet and the inclusion of that detail makes it all the more likely that you are super self-conscious about your orgasms. Try wearing a blindfold or earplugs. We’re serious. This is another form of bondage, called sensory bondage.

If bondage isn’t your thing, you can also find a therapist who can help you learn how to build trust with your partner so that you can feel more comfortable giving up control and making wild beast noises.

It’s outrageously healthy to masturbate daily, so you’re on the right track there. What gets you off when you are masturbating? Are you fantasizing about something kinky? Is your finger wiggling into your butt? Whatever you are thinking about or doing, you’re going to have to literally or metaphorically bring that into the bedroom with your next sexual partner. Maybe you’re thinking about a woman rubbing her feet against your penis. This means you have a foot fetish, and sometimes people who have foot fetishes can only orgasm if feet are involved. You have to be really honest with yourself about what turns you on, no matter how kinky. And then you have to go online and find other people who feel the same way as you.

We’re bad girls gone badder, so we’re always trying to persuade impressionable younger men like you to try something naughty. For ethical balance, we admit it’s entirely possible that you’ve simply grown too accustomed to your own touch, and therefore you can’t have an orgasm through intercourse or oral sex. If so, then bring masturbation into the bedroom with your next partner. Do all the other things that you and s/he like, relax and enjoy yourself, and then when it’s time for your money shot, tell her/him that you need to jerk off. That’s not completely unusual. You can keep doing that for months, even years, until you want to get a girl pregnant.

Some sex advice columnists believe that your situation may be the result of using the death grip on yourself when you masturbate. Your partner’s orifices can’t recreate that sensation, so most sex advice columnists recommend a disciplined training program that encourages a lighter touch. Basically, you are prohibited from having a death grip orgasm, and eventually you regain sensitivity in your penis.

If all else fails, it’s easy to find a woman or a man on alt.com looking for a man whose greatest pleasure comes from giving pleasure. We’d always assumed that such creatures were mythical like unicorns, but maybe you’ve got a real gift and you should share it with people who appreciate it. You’ll be that guy whose classified ad on the back page of the free weekly says, "UNLIMITED PLEASURE 4 U, NO RECIPROCATION REQUIRED."

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita