posted and copyrighted December 20, 2004

Dear Nina and Rita,

I'm deep in lust for this good friend of mine. We're casually dating for now and I think the relationship may be taking off, but here's my problem: he seems like such an innocent. I know he's not overly innocent, as he was dating his last ex for about four years (she was his first), but I'm the exact opposite. It’s not a very well kept secret that I’m a wee bit of a kinky girl. Also, I have a bit of a reputation of being a tad bit slutty. I think I scare him off a bit when I bring kinky aspects of myself to light. I've been very tame in what I've told him about past sexual experiences, but I can't be vanilla forever! How can I bring the kinkiness into our relationship without scaring him off, or having him think I've slept with half the planet to learn these tricks?

Signed,
19-year-old Kinky Girl in Hiding

Dear Kinky Girl in Hiding,

We want to make sure you realize that being a kinky, open-minded 19-year-old girl with good communication skills will open many doors for you during the next five to ten years. There are thousands, if not millions, of attractive, slightly older men and women who want to take you to expensive restaurants, give you presents, and indulge all your kinky fantasies. Obviously, if you really, really like this guy, you should try to make it work, but we want to make sure you understand that you are valuable. In the Stock Market for Lovers, you are mid-1990’s Microsoft.

Has it occurred to you that the guy you’re dating is interested in you because of your reputation as a sex-positive partner? If he’s your age, he’s been in a relationship with the same girl since he was fifteen years old, so he’s probably eager to try new things with new people. But he may seem shy and hesitant because he’s emerging from a comfortable zone of slow-paced sexual exploration with his ex. He may be overwhelmed, not threatened, by your interest in kinky sex. If he’s 19 years old and he’s only been with one other girl, then vanilla sex—old-fashioned sucking and fucking—is probably incredibly thrilling and completely satisfying for him.

Think of it this way: he’s a painter who had access to only yellow paint for four years. You surprised him when you gave him tubes of red and blue. While he mixes these and discovers orange, purple, and green, you may be feeling impatient because you already paint with a more sophisticated palette of colors, plus you’ve got other materials like clay, chalk, and cat-o-nine whips in your dungeon.

Don’t worry. Persuading a vanilla guy to get kinky in bed is not so difficult, but it requires more action and less talk. Start with vanilla foreplay. When he’s visibly excited, tell him that you want him to tie you up/go over your knee for a light spanking/call you bad naughty names, or whatever. Pick one simple, safe activity to try. Stay cool, and check in with him once or twice during the activity (i.e. are you okay?) Then, when the moment presents itself, transition to a familiar vanilla activity. Afterwards, ask him if that was fun. He may or may not have the maturity to describe the nuances of his feelings. If he expresses lots of discomfort or negativity even though he was turned on, he’s not ready to be the sex-positive partner that you deserve. On the other hand, if he’s amenable or impartial, and you’re patient, you may be able to bring him into your world, and eventually you’ll have the pleasure of learning the small subtle gestures that open the doors to his own kinky fantasies. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that he's interested in you because he wants to know more about his kinky side.

It’s hard to know who’s got a kinky side because of the weird way that Americans are required to dislocate our sexual lives. Many people keep their desires hidden from their friends and partners because they’re afraid that even the most innocent fantasy could be freaky. For example, Rita dated a guy for a year, spent sizable portions of her paychecks on sexy black lace lingerie, and then one day she discovered that he’s got a serious fetish for white cotton panties. Why the hell didn’t he tell her sooner? Because he was afraid of rejection. Rejection is a painful ego-bruising experience, but in the end, cotton panties are more comfortable.

If your guy can't give you what you really want in a relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. You should not change or hide who you are. If you’re trying to hold on to a guy who doesn’t like experienced girls, then you’re with the wrong guy. You should be with a guy like Jack Murnighan, who writes, “I, personally, would have all my lovers be old pros. I want them in permanent communion with skin and response; I want them to have the laid-back confidence that old jazz musicians have, and I want us to be able to improvise, to roll with each other’s changes, to work in each other’s beat, jive with the melody, stay in key.”

Mr. Murnighan, if we’ve infringed upon your copyrights, please, oh please, let us know, sir. We’re soooo sorry. We’ll do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to show how sorry we are. You should punish us.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita